Prelude

image from valuepreneurs.org

I just came from my annual retreat to India.  As always, I wrote down my thoughts and realizations so I can bottle the experience.

In the next 10 days or so, I will be sharing with you some parts of my inner journey, one post at a time.  But first a prelude.    

A few days before my retreat…

I wake up at dawn today realizing that I love myself- truly and deeply but not madly.  It's not the crazy falling in love drama like that of romantic films.  It is simply a settling feeling that I fully accept who I am- flaws, strengths and all.  There are no fireworks or any grand gestures.  Instead, it feels like a gentle embrace.  As though in my long journey of working on myself day in and day out for 9 years, I’ve finally come to an important terminal.  

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From here, I can fly 

(instead of pedalling a bicycle feeling that 

it’s taking forever to reach my goal). 

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image from redcheeksfactory.com

At this point, I feel secure- no longer needing the affirmation of family or reassurance of friends, not waiting for an applause nor yielding to condescending remarks.  I feel invincible- like the evils and the chaos of the world cannot touch me.  It doesn’t feel like rainbow and sunshine. It feels steady like a calm lake.

There’s also no need to run for anything, no need to prove myself, no need to acquire or add anything to myself.

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I feel whole.

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However, the journey to loving myself did not happen overnight.  I worked on myself again and again and again.

I regularly check in with myself.  I meditate.  I constantly and diligently affirm myself.  

I'd like to share with you the affirmations which helped me along the way. 

image from melissaohden.co

You are enough.

Be brave.

I will fight.

I forgive you.

I love me.

Just be!

Relax.

Never lose your happiness.

Maganda ka pa sa umaga.

You are wiser than you think and braver than you can ever imagine.

meditation by Release Your Wings

The Red Monster Came Out of Hiding

cartoon from http://www.clipartbest.com

I have waged war against the television (How to kill addiction) , waste thoughts (Thinking positively works) and even laziness(Who's your nemesis?) and won.  I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized.  I was held captive.

The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years.  It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength.  Everytime I chose to keep quiet and follow orders I  do not understand, it becomes stronger.   Whenever I choose to evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company.  In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder.  When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh.  It masks itself as the keeper of peace.  It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes.  It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok.  It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not).

I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long.  Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die.  In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up.  I realized that I was so angry I'm driving myself to death.  I am so angry, it's using up all of my energy. I am so angry I got depressed.

It's been there all along but I have ignored it.  Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.

I have been told that this will happen.  I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better".  Sister Denise, a senior sister based in India says that my monsters have  to come out so I can eradicate it.  Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage.  Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it.  So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.

 Ok then, let the fight begin.

                                                           video from easymeditation

What I learned from watching ‘How I Met Your Mother’

cartoon from http://lastlemon.com

I am a Marshall

I shouldn’t let people push me around

Sometimes, it’s ok to go nuclear

I need to say NO

More often

Like Ted 

But, I have to stop blurting all the right things

Like Lily

I’m not smarter than everybody else (ok, probably just a little)

I don’t think I’ll ever grow up like Barney (and it's ok)

But, I have to learn to choose which challenge to accept

And complete it

I need to speak my mind more

Like Robin

“Hello world, I am a toughie!”

Not really that strong yet

But, I will be

You’ll see

                                                                 video from easy meditation

6 out of 7

Photo from http://www.wtatennis.com

Not a bad batting average.  Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok.  The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".

Yes, I just reaffirmed myself.  To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart.  I really wanted to perfect it this time.  But I didn't.  At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me.  I couldn't exactly recall what happened.  I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered.  I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.

A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner.  Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished.  I couldn't pinpoint why I do this.  I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.

They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart.  Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do.  Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!".  It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy.  Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream.  It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.

True, I don't know what's out there.  How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me.  But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and  I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!


                                           video from bkwsuglasgow

Life in a blender

picture from http://www.karenwyattmd.com

What do you do when life throws you lemons?
They say make lemonade
I say, "Dodge!"
Duh?!

What if it's a lemon avalanche?
Wikihow says swim and try to stay near the surface
I say, "I'm clueless, I just hope I survive."
Huh....(deep sigh)

It happens
Storms strike at the most unholy hours
The whole of your world goes spinning
Aaaaargggh!!!!

I don't understand
No, I refuse to accept
Life can go haywire
Hmmmm....

Things don't go as planned
Setbacks happen
Or worse, things fall apart
Ooops!

Have you ever tasted the nearness of success with added spoonfuls of fear?
How about truckloads of expectations masquerading itself as tough love?
It's disgusting, let me tell you
Yuck!

People go crazy
Dreams elude even the most persistent
Happily ever after seems so far away
Well...

Whatever, I'll still push on!

I Love You Still

picture from http://www.tumblr.com

"Please lock all the doors before you sleep.", I told her many times over before I retire for the night.  At 3 o'clock in the morning, I woke up with all the doors open- screen door, front door and back door.  Good thing, all our things were still intact and no stranger tried to barge in our house.

"I can get angry at her.", I told myself.  This time my anger is justified!  Awful things could have happened to us. Different scenarios played in my mind but my intellect (the rational part of me) said, "But, nothing happened.  You have just cleared your heart?  Do you want to be heavy again?" (Please see post on this if you don't follow)

"No, I don't want to carry any burden again", so I collected myself and decided to let it go.  I spoke to her calmly about the matter when she woke up.  Then, after breakfast, I thought of the most extraordinary thing- invite her for coffee.

My mind said, "Are you nuts? So, you are rewarding her for putting all of you in danger?!"  My intellect refuted, "I'd like to love her inspite of."  My better judgment won the battle.

When I brought her coffee, I muttered, "My peace offering.  I'm sorry I could sometimes be harsh on you." She said, "Sometimes I need it, Ate (older sister). I can be very stubborn also." "Still, I'm sorry.", I replied.

For the first time in months, she started to share about her plans and dreams.  I let her do the talking while I listened intently- reminding myself not to ask questions or give unsolicited advice.  I was simply there for her- not passing any judgment whatsoever and wishing her well.

I felt I've cleared the air.  I've finally cut the cobwebs which kept her from moving forward.  You see, our negative feelings- anger, fear, resentment, worry or hurt not only clouds our thinking but it also entangles the object of these emotions.  We often think that telling them of the problem is helpful.  Well, it is but only when we come from a space of love.  If we keep on blaming other people for our suffering thinking "you ought to change because you make me very uncomfortable", what we do is simply cramp the person more.  Experience taught me that the best antidote for any conflict, relationship problem or even illness is love. Before calling in the counselor or the ambulance, I learned it's best to give them space to be who they choose to be, accept them for who they are, and love them inspite of.

I love you, little sister.  I know you will be ok soon enough!


                                      video from spotlightvalues

On Letting Go

image from http://www.elfwood.com

I will still care
but I will stop telling you how to live your life
I will still be here
but you shall not hear me ranting if you do your  hiding-from-life drama
I will forever wish you well
but I will stop offering my two cents' worth


Instead, I shall give you

space

space

and more space


Because...
I understand that this is your choice
Because...
I accept you for who you are
Because...
your script is different from mine


And I shall give you

space

space

and more space


I'm letting you go
And I'm letting you be
Know that you deserve the best
And that I still believe in you
I guess, i finally learned to love
Thank you for teaching me.

                                                            from EasyMeditation

I was a zombie

I think I pretty much established that earlier (see The TV took me hostage).  There was a time when I would turn my mind off and drown myself in information overload, throw gold coins of time wantonly and put my life on hold.  Not anymore!  Thank heavens I woke up, jumped out of slumber and moved forward.

Now that my eyes are open, I see zombies hovering all around the place.  They say only a zombie can really identify it's kind.  Let me classify it for you.

Gadget Zombie-  This zombie keeps it's android phone, tablet, and other gadgets within reach at all times.  It dies of boredom otherwise.  It has to be constantly updated of other people's lives, news or the latest trends via facebook, instagram, twitter and other media. It feeds on wasting time on senseless games and videos, getting likes and gossiping.

Workaholic Zombie-  This one fills itself with work, work, and more work.  It needs to always prove itself and acquire more stuff so it can look bigger than what it seems.  It is always running and moving around to avoid facing it's inner struggle.

I-Need-To-Be Beautiful Zombie.  This is the most superficial zombie of them all.  It looks good outside but is hollow inside, hence, the extreme focus on covering the vacuum with a pretty face or gorgeous body.  It feeds on praise and approval of others.

I-Hate-The-World Zombie.  This kind feeds on the past- misfortunes, failures, regrets. It always has a complain about something or someone.  It is very difficult to please them or for them to be happy.  It clamors for drama, drama, and more drama.

I-Am-Better-Than-You Zombie.  This one has the biggest head.  It is always right and will fight anyone who says it's not.  It readily judges and gets impressed.  It feeds on power- holding the key position, having the last say, being in control.     

Eat-Drink-Be-Merry Zombie.  This zombie indulges in pleasure.  It wants to taste and experience everything.  While out partying, it grunts, "I only live once!".  This one stays alive only to satisfy the self.    

I-Will-Only-Be-Happy-When Zombie.  This zombie postpones its happiness for a later time.  It believes that happiness is a lofty goal,  "I will be happy when I find someone who loves me" or "I will be happy when I am successful".  It feeds on what could have been, what ifs and persistent daydreaming.  

All cartoons are from http://plantsvszombies

One time over lunch, a colleague commented, "There's just so many zombie movies and tv series of late".  I think it's telling of the time.  We've been zombified!  Our minds have been enslaved by so many different things- laziness and carelessness , greed for money or power, wrong sense of self, negativity and endless desires.

But fret not, there is an antidote- the herb of knowledge (or you may also want to know how to kill an addiction).  We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become.  Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power.  There's really no need to scramble to look for it.  The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us.  We simpy have to remember who we really are.  

from EasyMeditation

The TV Took Me Hostage

Cartoon from http://vecto.rs

It's been awhile since I last wrote here.  There were just so many other things. And the very little time that I was free, I've been kidnapped- by none other than the boob tube!  It's actually in front of me right now and I'm resisting the urge to break it into pieces.

While I'm still thinking if I should opt to do that, let me tell you our story.  It started off like an unexpected romance.  After a long busy week, while sitting down on the couch, I took a glance at it and thought,   "I've never really liked you but let's give it a try".  And that's the end of me.  I was glued for hours and hours- just clicking channels, tuning in to catch-up weekends, and running the series' marathons.  I was so enchanted by it that I would delay going to the restroom, the kitchen and even  the oh-so-precious-bedroom (losing a lot of my oh-so-valuable-sleep).  So, I almost gave myself UTI, starved to near death and divorced my beloved bed (at least once a week).

It was a once-in-seven-days affair.  For some weird reason, I would only let myself slide when I know I don't have work the next day.  Thank heavens, some threads of sanity kept me from going berserk all the way!  It was good while it lasted though.  The TV swept me to worlds I could only imagine.  Sometimes, I'm a New Yorker trying to make a name for myself, or a hot shot lawyer, or an artist in search for stardom.  It allowed me to escape my (sometimes) mundane existence.  It comforted me to no end.  It was just always there- making me laugh, letting me dream, taking me to exciting places.

But, in the end I had to let it go.  It was not what I thought it was.  It was sucking the life of me.  It wouldn't allow me to go out and meet my friends, do what I love like write on this blog or cook, and go about my usual sensible routine.  Slowly, I realized that the time I spent in front of it makes me less and less myself.  I allowed it to occupy my time so my projects, writings, sports, advocacies, relationships were all on a standstill.  In a sense, my life was on a halt.

It would only happen once a week but I feel I've waste so much.  Prior to this incident, I couldn't really understand why they say time is gold.  Now, I do.  It's the currency I pay in life.  If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections, and learnings.  But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future.  By allowing myself to be hypnotized by the seductive television, I spill the coins down in the gutter- never to be retrieved.

Now, you understand why I detest it so much.  But, I will not obliterate it.  Just now, I decided to take the higher road, I will let it live but I shall take my life back!  I hold the remote.            


This photo is from http://pages.shanti.virginia.edu

                 

       

The Forest of Honey is My Home

My roommates.  From L to R Nadhi from Sri Lanka, Ashoka from Italy, Daniella from Italy, Anais from France,
Agnes from Philippines and Dola Po from Nigeria

Mount Abu, Rajasthan India-  There were seven of us in the dormitory from five different countries- Italy, France, Nigeria, Sri Lanka and Philippines.  For three days, we’ve been billeted in one dormitory room yet we still don’t know each other’s name, more so speak more than one sentence at a time to each other.  When we all came to the Brahma Kumaris' spiritual university in Mount Abu, more fondly called as Madhuban (meaning The Forest of Honey), a silence retreat was going on.  In adherence to the set guidelines, we would only greet each other by nodding our heads, we’d whisper if there’s really something important to be said, ate in silence, and went about the routine in the campus quietly.  

Come fourth day, the silence ban was lifted as we prepare for the huge gathering of meditation students from India and foreigners from different parts of the globe.  I thought the quiet and peaceful atmosphere in the room will remain.  I’ve grown accustomed to it and I enjoyed the serenity.  I was wrong.  Agnes, our roommate from the Philippines instigated a pageant of nations.  She started calling off the countries, asked us to parade in the small aisle in between the 2 rows of bed, and prompted each one to come up with signature wave.  “Miss France!”, she bellowed.  “Miss Nigeria show us your wave!", she hollered.  Everyone willingly complied.  The silence of the last three days was replaced with gobs of laughter and a loving camaraderie.

Why We Came

Our very enthusiastic host then went on to each one’s bed and did her one-on-one interview.   That’s the only time we knew that Miss France’s name is Anais, Miss Italy is Daniella, Miss Sri Lanka is Nadhi, Miss Nigeria is Dola Po, and Miss Italy/Sri Lanka is Ashoka. 

Frankly, in Madhuban (how we fondly call the university in Rajasthan) a lot of things don’t matter- name, age, country, or position.  Often, we are unaware what day it is.  Also, we rarely talk about our work.   We all came to the headquarters to bathe in study and yoga.  Going to India is a treat and a retreat for all of us.   It is the time to focus on our spiritual growth. 

Ashoka, a retiree from Milano, Italy said, “I came here to find God.” Dola Po, a young professional from Nigeria on the other hand related, “I am very happy here.  I’m filled to the brim and I’m ready to give when I come home.”  Anais, from Paris,France aptly said, “I feel at home here.”

 

As soon as one enters the gate of the university, a waft of peace can be felt.  I usually feel instantly refreshed even after more than 24 hours of travel- as though I've come to the ocean shore.  This may be attributed to the vibration of tapasya (intense meditation) and atmosphere of love in Madhuban.  The residents in the campus have lovingly filled the place with powerful yoga even as they go about their daily tasks.  Meditation students all over the world flock here to go into the depths of the knowledge and silence.  The senior brothers and sisters who have been practicing raja yoga for 25 years (or more) guide the younger students through classes and meditation experiments.  More than a university, here on the mountain top of Abu, we are a family helping each other progress in our respective lives and spirituality.

Anais helps me tie the sari while Dola Po looks on

Song of Happiness

It is the farthest thing from boring because a yogi life is a life of balance.  We are taught to take care of our inner state, so we can remain stable in the face of any circumstance.  We practice silence to be able to connect to our true selves, the one filled with the virtues of love, peace, purity, power, and bliss. Then, we bring these in our interaction with others. 

We love solitude but we can just as easily move from stillness to celebration.   After the huge gathering, Dola Po (Miss Nigeria) came out of the hall waving and greeting everyone she met like a crowned princess.  A huge crowd of locals gathered around her mesmerized by her charm (and hair weave).  We had to usher her  out as she was creating traffic (around 24,000 people were trying to get out of the hall).  When we got back to the room, by unanimous vote, we declared her the winner of our mini pageant. Instead of the ceremonial walk, she sang “I have the strangest feeling that I’ve been here before…Something tells me I have come home…it tells me I belong.”  We gave her a huge round of applause not only for the beautiful rendition but also because she sums up the whole Madhuban experience of us all.  

Miss Nigeria, Dola Po waving to the crowd

* All photos courtesy of Agnes Roque