Not a bad batting average. Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok. The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".
Yes, I just reaffirmed myself. To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart. I really wanted to perfect it this time. But I didn't. At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me. I couldn't exactly recall what happened. I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered. I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.
A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner. Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished. I couldn't pinpoint why I do this. I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.
They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart. Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do. Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!". It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy. Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream. It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.
True, I don't know what's out there. How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me. But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!
"Please lock all the doors before you sleep.", I told her many times over before I retire for the night. At 3 o'clock in the morning, I woke up with all the doors open- screen door, front door and back door. Good thing, all our things were still intact and no stranger tried to barge in our house.
"I can get angry at her.", I told myself. This time my anger is justified! Awful things could have happened to us. Different scenarios played in my mind but my intellect (the rational part of me) said, "But, nothing happened. You have just cleared your heart? Do you want to be heavy again?" (Please see post on this if you don't follow)
"No, I don't want to carry any burden again", so I collected myself and decided to let it go. I spoke to her calmly about the matter when she woke up. Then, after breakfast, I thought of the most extraordinary thing- invite her for coffee.
My mind said, "Are you nuts? So, you are rewarding her for putting all of you in danger?!" My intellect refuted, "I'd like to love her inspite of." My better judgment won the battle.
When I brought her coffee, I muttered, "My peace offering. I'm sorry I could sometimes be harsh on you." She said, "Sometimes I need it, Ate (older sister). I can be very stubborn also." "Still, I'm sorry.", I replied.
For the first time in months, she started to share about her plans and dreams. I let her do the talking while I listened intently- reminding myself not to ask questions or give unsolicited advice. I was simply there for her- not passing any judgment whatsoever and wishing her well.
I felt I've cleared the air. I've finally cut the cobwebs which kept her from moving forward. You see, our negative feelings- anger, fear, resentment, worry or hurt not only clouds our thinking but it also entangles the object of these emotions. We often think that telling them of the problem is helpful. Well, it is but only when we come from a space of love. If we keep on blaming other people for our suffering thinking "you ought to change because you make me very uncomfortable", what we do is simply cramp the person more. Experience taught me that the best antidote for any conflict, relationship problem or even illness is love. Before calling in the counselor or the ambulance, I learned it's best to give them space to be who they choose to be, accept them for who they are, and love them inspite of.
I love you, little sister. I know you will be ok soon enough!
I will still care
but I will stop telling you how to live your life
I will still be here
but you shall not hear me ranting if you do your hiding-from-life drama
I will forever wish you well
but I will stop offering my two cents' worth
Instead, I shall give you
space
space
and more space
Because...
I understand that this is your choice
Because...
I accept you for who you are
Because...
your script is different from mine
And I shall give you
space
space
and more space
I'm letting you go
And I'm letting you be
Know that you deserve the best
And that I still believe in you
I guess, i finally learned to love
Thank you for teaching me.
I think I pretty much established that earlier (see The TV took me hostage). There was a time when I would turn my mind off and drown myself in information overload, throw gold coins of time wantonly and put my life on hold. Not anymore! Thank heavens I woke up, jumped out of slumber and moved forward.
Now that my eyes are open, I see zombies hovering all around the place. They say only a zombie can really identify it's kind. Let me classify it for you.
Gadget Zombie- This zombie keeps it's android phone, tablet, and other gadgets within reach at all times. It dies of boredom otherwise. It has to be constantly updated of other people's lives, news or the latest trends via facebook, instagram, twitter and other media. It feeds on wasting time on senseless games and videos, getting likes and gossiping.
Workaholic Zombie- This one fills itself with work, work, and more work. It needs to always prove itself and acquire more stuff so it can look bigger than what it seems. It is always running and moving around to avoid facing it's inner struggle.
I-Need-To-Be Beautiful Zombie. This is the most superficial zombie of them all. It looks good outside but is hollow inside, hence, the extreme focus on covering the vacuum with a pretty face or gorgeous body. It feeds on praise and approval of others.
I-Hate-The-World Zombie. This kind feeds on the past- misfortunes, failures, regrets. It always has a complain about something or someone. It is very difficult to please them or for them to be happy. It clamors for drama, drama, and more drama.
I-Am-Better-Than-You Zombie. This one has the biggest head. It is always right and will fight anyone who says it's not. It readily judges and gets impressed. It feeds on power- holding the key position, having the last say, being in control.
Eat-Drink-Be-Merry Zombie. This zombie indulges in pleasure. It wants to taste and experience everything. While out partying, it grunts, "I only live once!". This one stays alive only to satisfy the self.
I-Will-Only-Be-Happy-When Zombie. This zombie postpones its happiness for a later time. It believes that happiness is a lofty goal, "I will be happy when I find someone who loves me" or "I will be happy when I am successful". It feeds on what could have been, what ifs and persistent daydreaming. All cartoons are from http://plantsvszombies
One time over lunch, a colleague commented, "There's just so many zombie movies and tv series of late". I think it's telling of the time. We've been zombified! Our minds have been enslaved by so many different things- laziness and carelessness , greed for money or power, wrong sense of self, negativity and endless desires.
But fret not, there is an antidote- the herb of knowledge (or you may also want to know how to kill an addiction). We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become. Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power. There's really no need to scramble to look for it. The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us. We simpy have to remember who we really are.
It's been awhile since I last wrote here. There were just so many other things. And the very little time that I was free, I've been kidnapped- by none other than the boob tube! It's actually in front of me right now and I'm resisting the urge to break it into pieces.
While I'm still thinking if I should opt to do that, let me tell you our story. It started off like an unexpected romance. After a long busy week, while sitting down on the couch, I took a glance at it and thought, "I've never really liked you but let's give it a try". And that's the end of me. I was glued for hours and hours- just clicking channels, tuning in to catch-up weekends, and running the series' marathons. I was so enchanted by it that I would delay going to the restroom, the kitchen and even the oh-so-precious-bedroom (losing a lot of my oh-so-valuable-sleep). So, I almost gave myself UTI, starved to near death and divorced my beloved bed (at least once a week).
It was a once-in-seven-days affair. For some weird reason, I would only let myself slide when I know I don't have work the next day. Thank heavens, some threads of sanity kept me from going berserk all the way! It was good while it lasted though. The TV swept me to worlds I could only imagine. Sometimes, I'm a New Yorker trying to make a name for myself, or a hot shot lawyer, or an artist in search for stardom. It allowed me to escape my (sometimes) mundane existence. It comforted me to no end. It was just always there- making me laugh, letting me dream, taking me to exciting places.
But, in the end I had to let it go. It was not what I thought it was. It was sucking the life of me. It wouldn't allow me to go out and meet my friends, do what I love like write on this blog or cook, and go about my usual sensible routine. Slowly, I realized that the time I spent in front of it makes me less and less myself. I allowed it to occupy my time so my projects, writings, sports, advocacies, relationships were all on a standstill. In a sense, my life was on a halt.
It would only happen once a week but I feel I've waste so much. Prior to this incident, I couldn't really understand why they say time is gold. Now, I do. It's the currency I pay in life. If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections, and learnings. But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future. By allowing myself to be hypnotized by the seductive television, I spill the coins down in the gutter- never to be retrieved.
Now, you understand why I detest it so much. But, I will not obliterate it. Just now, I decided to take the higher road, I will let it live but I shall take my life back! I hold the remote.
My roommates. From L to R Nadhi from Sri Lanka, Ashoka from Italy, Daniella from Italy, Anais from France,
Agnes from Philippines and Dola Po from Nigeria
Mount Abu, Rajasthan India- There were seven of us in the dormitory from five different countries- Italy, France, Nigeria, Sri Lanka and Philippines.For three days, we’ve been billeted in one dormitory room yet we still don’t know each other’s name, more so speak more than one sentence at a
time to each other.When we all came to
the Brahma Kumaris' spiritual university in Mount Abu, more fondly called as
Madhuban (meaning The Forest of Honey), a silence retreat was going on.In adherence to the set guidelines, we would
only greet each other by nodding our heads, we’d whisper if there’s really
something important to be said, ate in silence, and went about the routine in
the campus quietly.
Come fourth day, the silence ban
was lifted as we prepare for the huge gathering of meditation students from
India and foreigners from different parts of the globe. I thought the quiet and peaceful atmosphere
in the room will remain. I’ve grown
accustomed to it and I enjoyed the serenity.
I was wrong. Agnes, our
roommate from the Philippines instigated a pageant of nations. She started calling off the countries, asked
us to parade in the small aisle in between the 2 rows of bed, and prompted each one to come up with signature wave. “Miss
France!”, she bellowed. “Miss Nigeria
show us your wave!", she hollered. Everyone willingly complied. The silence
of the last three days was replaced with gobs of laughter and a loving
camaraderie.
Why We Came
Our very enthusiastic host then
went on to each one’s bed and did her one-on-one interview. That’s
the only time we knew that Miss France’s name is Anais, Miss Italy is Daniella,
Miss Sri Lanka is Nadhi, Miss Nigeria is Dola Po, and Miss Italy/Sri Lanka is
Ashoka.
Frankly, in Madhuban (how we
fondly call the university in Rajasthan) a lot of things don’t matter- name,
age, country, or position. Often, we are
unaware what day it is. Also, we rarely
talk about our work. We all came to the
headquarters to bathe in study and yoga.
Going to India is a treat and a retreat for all of us. It is the time to focus on our spiritual
growth.
Ashoka, a retiree from Milano,
Italy said, “I came here to find God.” Dola Po, a young professional from
Nigeria on the other hand related, “I am very happy here. I’m filled to the brim and I’m ready to give
when I come home.” Anais, from Paris,France
aptly said, “I feel at home here.”
As soon as one enters the gate of
the university, a waft of peace can be felt. I usually feel instantly refreshed even after more than 24 hours of travel- as though I've come to the ocean shore. This may be
attributed to the vibration of tapasya (intense meditation) and atmosphere of love in
Madhuban. The residents in the campus
have lovingly filled the place with powerful yoga even as
they go about their daily tasks. Meditation students all over the world flock
here to go into the depths of the knowledge and silence. The
senior brothers and sisters who have been practicing raja yoga for 25 years (or more) guide the younger students through classes and meditation experiments. More than a university, here on the mountain
top of Abu, we are a family helping each other progress in our respective lives and spirituality.
Anais helps me tie the sari while Dola Po looks on
Song of Happiness
It is the farthest thing from
boring because a yogi life is a life of balance. We are taught to take care of our inner
state, so we can remain stable in the face of any circumstance. We practice silence to be able to connect to
our true selves, the one filled with the virtues of love, peace, purity, power,
and bliss. Then, we bring these in our interaction with others.
We love solitude but we can just
as easily move from stillness to celebration. After the
huge gathering, Dola Po (Miss Nigeria) came out of the hall waving and greeting
everyone she met like a crowned princess.
A huge crowd of locals gathered around her mesmerized by her charm (and
hair weave). We had to usher her out as she was creating traffic (around 24,000 people were trying to
get out of the hall). When we got back
to the room, by unanimous vote, we declared her the winner of our mini pageant. Instead of the
ceremonial walk, she sang “I have the strangest feeling that I’ve been here
before…Something tells me I have come home…it tells me I belong.” We gave her a huge round of applause not only for the beautiful rendition but also because she sums up the whole Madhuban experience of us
all.
I went for afternoon chai- my third for the day. Just as there’s an atmosphere of unlimited
peace in Madhuban, there’s unlimited chai.
I went late so I can be alone, eat
in silence and also (hush tone) so I don’t have to share the cereals I brought
from the Philippines.
You see, though
the university’s modern and fully equipped, it still rests on top of the
mountain where there’s no huge groceries or department stores. There’s a small
store inside the campus, and a village market nearby but I’m still in rural
India. There’s really no way for me to
get my favorite boxed cereal so I scrimped on it and share little.
The Test
As I was sipping my chai and munching my oh-so-precious
cereal, an Indian lady sat opposite me.
Her badge shows me that she’s just visiting the campus for the day. (Most of the students billeted in Gyansarovar
are foreigners.) I smiled to greet her
but then I quickly bowed down and focused on my snack. I didn’t want to talk or share, remember? She spoke in Hindi, and pointed to what I am
eating. I looked up to acknowledge her
but pretended not understand what she meant.
We ate in silence for a minute.
She must not like the popped rice she was given (meals & snacks are
served in the university), that she again inquired where I got my snack. I
dismissed her for the second time, moving my head to and fro while giving her a
quizzical look as if I don’t know what she wanted. She stopped asking but she never stopped
staring at my food.
The Talking Conscience
I tried to ignore her but a voice inside says, “You’re
practicing meditation so you can get in touch with your real self and your values. Yet here you are refusing to be generous.” I ranted like a brat, “But there’s nowhere I can get
another box here!” “True, but this is your
chance to practice what you’ve been studying.”, the voice replied. “I don’t want to give with a heavy heart”, I
blurted back. The voice was persistent,
“Then don’t. Give willingly. You see,
there’s really no point studying about spirituality and meditation if you don’t
live by it.” I was stumped.
The little voice inside my head
is right. What’s the point of all the
study and silence, if it doesn’t show in my dharna (practice). The Indian lady in front of me is not the
most charming of people. To be honest, I’m a little annoyed by her assertiveness. She’s a stranger and I feel that I don’t have
any obligation to her. But I have a
responsibility to be true to who I am. I
really am a generous spirit. Holding on
to my cereals disprove that. I am a
peaceful soul and my not liking her says otherwise. I am loving and being apathetic to another
kindred spirit shows that I am not.
After being jolted, I opened my
bag, removed the cereal box and filled-up her small bowl. She received it and ate away. There was no thank you or even a smile. It’s ok, I learned my lesson. Thank you, Indian lady!
They say that Madhuban (how we fondly call the university
for raja yoga students in Mount Abu, India) is like a hall of mirrors. I cannot agree more. I think that the atmosphere supports one’s
deep desire for introspection. Also,
being away from everything else allows an individual to focus solely on the self. The thing with a mirror is, it never
lies. It shows both the beauty and
ugliness of the viewer.
The Beast
Two years ago, when I came for my retreat, this attention-seeking
and jealous behavior suddenly showed up.
I would envy the students whom the dadis (senior sisters) know really
well. I would feel a tinge of jealousy
when they are called up front or mentioned in the classes and sometimes “poor
little me” feelings popped up.
It’s like a coin-sized mark in the lower portion of a crisp
white shirt which had gone unnoticed for the longest time. I do not like it one bit and the only reasonable next step is to erase
it. Meditation allows me to do just that. But like a hard stain, it doesn’t fade very
easily. So, I have to soak the
shirt in beautiful thoughts, rinse it with pure wishes and make sure that I
stay under the Source of all good things.
Slaying the Green-eyed Monster
This year my test came.
I was in Madhuban with a very friendly, humorous and cheerful
buddy. She was a stark opposite to my
pensive and quiet nature. While I preferred to eat alone, she would gather everyone together, engage them in chit-chats and
direct group pictures. Whilst I would ask questions and listen during conversations, she, on the other hand, would cracks
jokes and entertain everyone with her funny antics. While I enjoyed sitting down with my thoughts,
she would run around helping everyone- guiding the new students around, cooking delicious
non-Indian food (it’s really nice to eat something else every once in a while) and
taking videos and pictures for others. Almost
everyone knew her and praises her to no-end.
I was checking how I’m feeling amidst all these and I’m surprised that
it didn’t bother me one bit. I wasn’t
looking for anyone’s approval or seeking praises. I was perfectly fine with her taking the spotlight. I finally understood that I am who I am and she
is who she is.
Everyone in the world has a different role to play and each of our parts is equally important. We need go-getters as well as think tanks,
relationship people as well as intuitive ones, organizers and those who
implement. No one’s role is any less
than the other. There’s really no need
to get jealous.
“All the world’s a stage, All the men and women merely players." -William Shakespeare Photo from http://www.thehindu.com
Ever since I decided to bid adieu to the infamous truck (Please see The Garbage Truck Has Been Stalking Me if you don't know what I'm talking about), I never came face to face with the stinky vehicle again. Good job! Kudos, self! You drove the truck away! I vow that I shall never never never (for emphasis) waddle in waste thoughts again. To seal the deal, I gave myself specific thoughts to think about daily. "It's ok, everything's fine." or "I'm taking responsibility for healing myself". I also pick 3-4 points to ponder from my meditation class. I really keep my mind busy on focusing, experiencing, or reflecting on pure, positive, and beneficial thoughts throughout the day. (I'll tell you in on a secret, it's impossible to keep the mind blank. It's occupation is to think, think, and think some more. The key is to guide it to hold on to the right things.) So, if I see it going elsewhere, I gently redirect it back to it's assignment for the day. Anatomy of Complaints Now that I'm ok, I gathered my learnings while I was immersed in the mud of negativity. For now, I'd like to focus on the three things I deduced about complaints.
Whenever I complain about something or someone. It's never about them. In reality, there's something lacking inside me. Complaining is the red flag that tells me I am unhappy.
Then, when I don't feel good about myself, I try to look for happiness outside. Like a half-filled canister, I yak and yak about my misfortune and I go around begging for other people's sympathy.
As I continue to evade the issue, I may even go as far as projecting my unhappiness to others. I point out their mistakes and faults. I am unhappy, so no one should be happy.
What happens then If left unchecked, then I move along my life taking support from others or scarring other people. Like the garbage truck, I spread repulsive, heavy and peaceless vibration everywhere I go- whether it be my home, or workplace. This consequently, attracts more adversities, leaving me in a deeper hole. My hope is that, we wake up soon enough before we dig our own graves. All it takes, is a matter of attention and a determination to shift our mode of thinking.
Meditation Commentary on Positive Focus by EasyMeditation
