Monday, August 26, 2013

On Letting Go

image from http://www.elfwood.com

I will still care
but I will stop telling you how to live your life
I will still be here
but you shall not hear me ranting if you do your  hiding-from-life drama
I will forever wish you well
but I will stop offering my two cents' worth


Instead, I shall give you

space

space

and more space


Because...
I understand that this is your choice
Because...
I accept you for who you are
Because...
your script is different from mine


And I shall give you

space

space

and more space


I'm letting you go
And I'm letting you be
Know that you deserve the best
And that I still believe in you
I guess, i finally learned to love
Thank you for teaching me.



                                                            from EasyMeditation





Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Thank You Little Sister

Picture from http://www.taramcglinchey.com
"Why are you heavy?", asked my business mentor as we end our usual Monday meeting.  "Huh?" , I cluelessly answered.  "You have to check yourself.", she retorted.

The Inner Scrutiny
I immediately went through my usual to do list: go to meditation class daily (check), enjoy work (check) and propel my other projects forward (check).  Since things appeared to be going smoothly, how can there be any blockages? Otherwise, it should hamper my world. Still, I persisted on investigating the matter closely.  I spent extra time in the early morning and before bedtime in silence to check the state of my heart.  To my surprise, I found out that I am indeed carrying a baggage as heavy as a block of cement.  I've been busy being responsible at home, keeping a happy disposition at work and being courageous with my new endeavors that I didn't realized that I'm not really ok.

Wearing many hats and thinking too much made me forget what I feel. I didn't realized that I am angry. Well, not at myself.  As I mentioned earlier, my egotistical self thinks I'm superduper fine.  I was angry at  the other person in my life who by my standards is not making her life move.  I am mad at her for not stepping up to her full potential.  In my head, I'd like to jolt her out of her inertia and I was constantly screaming "Get out of it!".

I metamorphosed into an I-am-better-than-you zombie (see I was a zombie), judging her for not being like me, telling her what to do like a nagging mother (i thought that would help), and berating her for not doing her duties (cause I think that an effective house manager/older sister follows up and gives the necessary reinforcement).

The Talk
A talk with my spiritual teacher helped me look at the situation more clearly.  He said, "You were mad at her because you see her as your sister who's not facing her responsibilities but you failed to see that she is a struggling soul.  She is weak at this point and your expectations and judgment just pushes her down even more."

I was ashamed for behaving so badly.  I never thought I am still influenced by anger until this moment.  My negative take of the situation made it worse than what it really is.

I had a long honest talk with myself.  "This is not your true nature.  You are as accepting and accommodating as an ocean.  You are a loving soul.  You have a big heart which can embrace the whole world.  Go back to who you really are."

The Gift
I had to go through a process of facing myself squarely, forgiving myself, and going back to my truth before I regained my light heart back.

It was not a walk in the park, it took me weeks to clear the blocks.  I realized that any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are.  It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out.

Thank you, little sister for helping me learn this lesson.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Dearest Little Sister

picture from http://mypoeticside.com/poems

I’m sorry I’m not big enough to accommodate you. I just can't accept that you choose to stay in the rut of the past for too long.  I wish I can say “It’s ok” all the time.  

I look into your eyes and I can’t find the sparkle.  Where did you hide it?  Where has my unstoppable partner in crime gone?  You used to simply jump over the hurdles.  It pains me to see you in a standstill.  

I’ve told you many times over, “You’re the best among us siblings”.  I hope you realize this soon enough.  When did you stop believing you can?  Well, never mind.  Just move forward and never ever remember “that” moment.  Frankly, it is merely a speck now.  You only made it so big in your head.

I understand that you are afraid.  It’s ok, just don’t stay afraid because it will eat you up to pieces.  I know because I’ve been there.  It’s like a humongous dragon but, if you look closely enough, it’s all just smoke- a scary-looking mirage.  You’re made of tougher stuff.  You have the heart of a lion!  

Move past the fear.  I assure you, it will dissipate.  Go on dear, simply take steps forward.  You can do it! Just believe in yourself again.