Dearest Fear

image from sailboatstory.com

Dearest Fear,

I sneaked one past you.  Ha!  Make it a double ha ha! :)  

I was able to jumpstart this project with the greatest team in the whole wide universe without your interference.

thesparkproject.com

Yay!  I filled my heart so much excitement there was no room for you.    

However, now that we’re nearing the end I see you creeping in.

“What if you don’t reach 100% of your funding goal for the documentary?”

“What if you run out of funds and you can’t even give honorarium to your mentors?”

“What will happen to the students after your 12 sessions?”

My head’s getting dizzy with all the what-ifs.  My heart's thumping very fast it’s zooming way past it’s normal speed limit.  

Just when I’m about to lose my calm, I heard a whisper.

“Trust”, it says.

“Trust that help will come.”

“Trust that everything will pan out.”

“Trust in the goodness of people.”

image from psychologytoday

Then, I waved you goodbye.

I know you’re there to protect me but I don’t need you right now, Fear.   I will be ok- even if everything I’ve built comes crushing down before my very eyes.  

I understand that I am not the project.

But I saw how deeply I can love and give because of this project.

I experienced the generosity and passion of like-minded souls who ran the race with me.  

Thank you for saying yes to this Dane Raymundo, Dana Salonga, Nory San Juan, Karl Jingco, Monique Pereda, Raisa Perez, Rod Valencia, Louie Payawal, Mige Espena, Yenny Tjioe Saw, Jenn Maliwanag, Aticia Reyes, Ma’am Arlene Sarmiento, Ron Tayon, Cathy Gargaritano, Melvin Ayag, Mhel Almario, Christine Mislang, Krishna Quemado, Tricia Ricasio, Anne Casten, Joshua Siscar, Charissa Carlos, Dominic Cheoc, Christa Del Rosario, Mae Ignacio, Felix Gaco, Inee Co and Paola Policarpio.

I witnessed the growth of the students in the last 9 weeks.  I am affirmed that they can do great things given the right training and opportunity.

SPED students' pursuit of the arts

If we just focus on their strengths and gifts, and nurture these souls with acceptance and kindness they can escape the small box society puts them in.  

I learned my lessons.  

Fear, at this point that’s all that matters.

Goodbye!

                                                      

                                                           Sincerely,

                                                              

                                                                    Karen

meditation by Release Your Wings

Day 11: Surrender

image from www.beliefnet.com

                                                            April 13, 2017

Dearest Baba,

          Today, in meditation class this statement hit me- “Surrender everything you have.”  I feel that it is easy to surrender the body and wealth.  My mind is quite mischievous and stubborn.  It keeps on planning for the future and thinking of unimportant things.  Baba, can you please help me tame the mind.

          I have moved to Pandav Bhawan today.  I am increasing my hours in yoga.  I feel that I really need to clean the heart and the soul of deep seated negative sanskars (patterns) and hurts from the past.

                                                              Love,

                                                                  Karen

meditation by Release Your Wings

Are you really free?

image from www.pinterest.com

I hate my life!, she mutttered exasperatedly while she typed.

I was sitting right next to her.  We were talking about her woes earlier.

Can you relax first before you finish that transaction?, I gently reminded her.

But what I really want to say is this.

Sometimes, pounding on something really hard never works.

You get tired.

Then, you lose your enthusiasm.

And, you forget there are other nails worth pounding.

You become the carpenter who works eight days a week and forgets that he is also a dancer who loves to salsa, a friend who enjoys hanging out with his crew or a traveler who enjoys adventure.

Your view becomes limited as you fixate on that one thing.

And the longer you don’t get it, the higher your anxiety rises.

They say, Good things come to those who wait.

I say, Good things come to those who are ready for that good thing.

How can an opportunity swing by if you have closed your door by thinking of all the wrong things which happened, questioning why you haven't gotten what you wanted or by grinding your teeth in anticipation because it’s taking so long.

One has to open the door to allow good things to happen.  That entails acceptance of what is, looking at the brightside and trusting that whatever will happen is for the best.

Set what you are holding too tightly free.

If it's your right, it will come to you.  In the meantime, can you please wait happily? 

meditation by Release Your Wings

P.S.  Please know that when I say you, I'm addressing myself too.  More often than not, I write about the lessons I need to learn, as well.

I Forgive You

image from http://www.sodahead.com

When I was young, when I ask for something and forget an important word, my parents always ask.  "What's the magic word?"  Now, that I get to borrow little ones for an hour or two, it's my turn to query them whenever they fail to remember the "magic word".


Since I've been studying how to become a better human being, I found out that there's not one abracadabra but a whole set of encyclopedia of it.  Some words heal a broken spirit while other phrases keep one soaring high.  There are simple sentences which melt the heart and some strong utterances which can ward off people possessed by evil spirits (of greed, anger, jealousy and the like).  There are expressions which paint a smile on faces and sincere declarations which wipe out tears.


I've long been searching for a powerful spell to cure my current affliction (for around a month now).  I have scoured the keeper of wisdom (bookstore).   I have asked the wizard of the 21st century (google) and grilled my trusted allies (friends)-  all for naught.



Today, I found the answer in the burrow of my heart.  "I forgive myself.  I forgive you."

                                                             

Surrender

image from http://blog.ewomennetwork.com

I love that word. I first heard of it (as a virtue) in a leadership seminar 7 years ago and I have loved it ever since but I only fully realized what it meant lately.

The Struggle
I've been battling a disease for the last 2 years- it's zapping my energy and the doctors have different opinions about it.  My Chinese doctor says it's Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Just by the name, it looks like I will die anytime soon.  My medical doctor, on the other hand thinks it's a mere vitamin deficiency.

Initially, I tried the natural way of boiling Chinese herbs and drinking it's bitter juice for 6 months to no avail (but it really works for some people I know).  I shifted to the Western medicine where I get weekly Vitamin B shots and was simply advised to increase my food intake.  I noticed improvements but the weakness still persists (this is a big deal 'cause I used to be like an Energizer bunny).  Though, I felt a lot better knowing that I'm not a terminal case.

Recently, for the last 2 weeks, I wake up every single day with a slight fever but I would dismiss it and go about my usual routine. I will still wake up at 4am though I can only sit for meditation for 30 minutes or less (I can do it for an hour before).  Then, my body pulls me right back to sleep.  I will set my alarm at 5.30am so I can come to meditation class at 6.30am. I cannot urge my body to get up right away though, so, I end up coming in late for 15-20 minutes.  After class,  I  go to work for 8 hours and after that, my body just wants to lie down and rest. But, I'll still push it to attend to the concerns of the non-profit organization we've started.

I'll make-up and simply rest during my 3 day weekends (as in, literally do nothing).  However, when my body refused to stand up one morning (it simply remained glue to the bed for hours and hours on end), I decided to change course and see a naturopathic doctor.  Since my mind-over-matter mantra and current medication's not working, I think it's about time for change.

The Cure
That fateful morning, I still attended meditation class though I'm an hour late. Before the class ended, our elder sister told us to write down our current obstacle in a sheet of paper and offer it to the Father. I immediately wrote down, sickness of the body. After the class and our Sunday morning breakfast, I just had the feeling that I ought to ask the sister sitting beside me in class about the colonics therapy she went through (though I'm set on seeing another doctor).  She animated told me about alternative medicine and offered to bring me to the clinic where she goes.  I trusted my guts and took her offer.

I came in first for assessment where the naturopathic doctor told me that my cells aren't healthy. In fact, my red blood cells were clustered when it should be far apart, it's moving rather slowly and appears pale.  I was immediately given a program and supplementation.  I opted to start that same day.  I had a Vitamin C drip where they give me 500ml of Vitamin C intravenously and a colonics procedure where they flush a huge amount of water in my intestine to take out the debris which have been deposited there throughout the years.  I was also asked to take in 8 glasses of  juice daily.   I was not expecting much. So, I was surprised that I woke up at 3am the following day- an hour earlier than my set alarm. I wasn't getting sleepy or drowsy so I was able to meditate for 1 1/2 hours (i'm nuts about yoga, so this is huge! think of it as getting 2 extra scoops of ice cream when you're only expecting a tablespoon). And I'm still not sleepy after that!!! (3 exclamation points 'cause I was really surprised at my body's immediate recovery).  So, I prepared for meditation class and work after. And for the first time in weeks (or is it months?), I came on time.

The Magic
All it took was one day, and just like that I felt that my energy's renewed.  After more than 2 years, I think I found the right road back to wellness.  On second thought, it was not my doing.  I surrendered it first and then the right answer came.

Now, I realize that all along I've been trying to take care of the situation all by myself. It's when I let go and then let God that everything's immediately resolved like magic! Aaaaaah, the beauty of surrender. I should do this more often.

On Letting Go

image from http://www.elfwood.com

I will still care
but I will stop telling you how to live your life
I will still be here
but you shall not hear me ranting if you do your  hiding-from-life drama
I will forever wish you well
but I will stop offering my two cents' worth


Instead, I shall give you

space

space

and more space


Because...
I understand that this is your choice
Because...
I accept you for who you are
Because...
your script is different from mine


And I shall give you

space

space

and more space


I'm letting you go
And I'm letting you be
Know that you deserve the best
And that I still believe in you
I guess, i finally learned to love
Thank you for teaching me.

                                                            from EasyMeditation

The World is Ganging Up on Me

Photo from http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com

Let me be clear- I write for me and not for anybody else.  I don't talk about my take on the world, I prefer to look into my inner realm.  I don't really care if it's relevant to any other person, but as long as it's pertinent to me then I'll dig into it.

It's a Conspiracy
Now tell me, why is everyone pushing me to submit these scribbles to respected print and online publications?  First, there's my writer-friend, who's a published author and a regular contributor to an online magazine.  She's been coming to the apartment every weekend, and every time she visits she asks if I've submitted my articles to the same magazine she contributes to.  I always tell her I'd try but I've been putting it off for the longest time.  She used to be the only one nudging me to share to a bigger audience but recently everywhere I look I get the same message.  I wonder if the universe is playing a game with me again or is it really just being insistent?

Incidentally, another journalist-buddy stayed in our place for a couple of days.  This morning, out of the blue, she suggested that I send in articles for her national broadsheet as well.  Apparently, she had read this blog.  Again, I gave my excuses, "But, these are simply my reflections on my journey in life.  I do this for me, actually.  It helps me process myself.  I'm not really a writer".  She was adamant, "Some people may probably be going through the same thing.  Your insights can help them".  "Let's see", I noncommitally retorted.  Barely an hour passed, when I picked up the newspaper (which I rarely do), only to find an article which declares, "Communicate to change the world".  I read it but decided to brush off the idea.  I tried to sleep instead.  But since, it's 10am in the morning I couldn't.  So, I opened the boob tube (another activity I try to avoid as much as possible).  Lo and behold, I was directed to a show about a young girl who's about to land a publishing book deal using her journal entries.  Can the universe be anymore blatant?!

A Confession
A conversation from the other day suddenly popped out on the screen of my mind.  Over coffee, I asked another pal when she'll be back from her vacation.  "I don't know", she said.  "I never plan. I just flow"  (She can afford to do that, she doesn't need to work).  Then, I inquired about her planned art exhibit.  She repeated her answer, "I've spoken to a gallery manager already but as to the exact date, I don't know.  When the timing's right, then it will happen.  I never plan. I just flow with life's drama".

Remembering her replies shook me up.  Here I am, being guided to an avenue to express myself and probably help others, but I'm acting like a constipated jerk resisting it because it's not in my agenda.  My coffee buddy's right, why not flow? 

                         One Minute Meditation- Unlimited Possibilities by EasyMeditation 

I'm Sorry, Self

I had my first acupuncture session today.  My acupuncturist told me that my pain is related to stress or anger.  I knew that it's definitely not anger because I'm basically just chill and I think I've gotten too old to get mad.  By elimination, the culprit must be stress.    

So, I began scolding myself.  "How can you be stressed when you just work for 4 days?  And no! you don't work!  You just play with kids!...You don't have the right!  You meditate at dawn and dusk and every chance you can get in between...You've simplified your life to a hilt, there's really nothing to be worried about."

On and on it went until I understood what caused the stress- the negative self-talk.  True, I've stopped complaining about other people (80-90% of the time) but at times, I can still be hard on myself.  I would berate myself for missed targets and failed attempts.

Feeling guilty doesn't works so says Sr. Denise.  I think it works like a  superglue, cementing the feet of my intellect (the part of me which makes decision) on the ground that's why I feel stuck.  Complaining about anything, even about myself takes my happiness away.  It's like a dark cloud covering my sun, a rain on my parade.

Sorry self.  Sometimes, I act like an uncompromising grown-up who blows up when circumstances don't go her way.  Well, things happen.  It's ok.  Just look at the bright side and keep on moving forward!  

 

I Lose What I Hold on to the Most

This is a precious lesson my old and trusted scrunchy taught me ( or reminded me of ).

After the new one I brought snapped, I told my old scrunchy, “Now, you’re the only one I have.  Make sure to stay with me until the end of my trip, ok”.  ( Yes, I talk to things. )

And it slipped from my hair the next day.  I retraced my steps, looked around, and tried to find a replacement in the store- but there’s no one like it.  I could not get a single scrunchy on top of the mountain. 

But I wasn’t devasted.  Instead, I let go.  I had a feeling it was bound to happen.

For someone following a spiritual path, holding on to something or someone is often a blockage.  It gives me a false sense of identity.  If I identify myself with the gadgets, cars, houses, or any material possession- my sense of self will go up or down depending on how much I have.  The same happens if I identify with position.  If I attach myself too closely to the people in my life, what will happen to me if my role with them finishes? 

Sister Denise from Canada related that there might be a time when all the worldly support we are holding on to collapse. 

Can I take the blow? Who am I without the money, the position, and the accolades?  What do I do if I am no longer someone else’s manager, daughter, or sister, or friend?  Can I carry on?

If everything that I value in my life leaves me, do I still know who I am?   

The Monkey with the Wooden Apple

There was once a happy monkey wandering the jungle, eating delicious fruit when hungry, and resting when tired.  One day he came upon a house, where he saw a bowl of the most beautiful apples.  He took one in each hand and ran back to the forest.

He sniffed the apples and smelled nothing.  He tried to eat them, but hurt his teeth.  They were made of wood, but they were beautiful, and when the other monkeys saw them, he held onto them even tighter.

He admired his new possessions proudly as he wandered the jungle.  They glistened red in the sun, and seemed perfect to him.  He became so attached to them, that he didn't even notice his hunger at first.

A fruit tree reminded him, but he felt but he felt the apples in his hands.  He couldn't bear to set them down to reach for the fruit.  In fact, he couldn't relax either, if he was to defend his apples.  A proud, but less happy monkey continued to walk along the forest trails.

The apples became heavier, and the poor little monkey thought about leaving them behind.  He was tired, hungry, and couldn't climb trees or collect fruit with his hands full.  What if he just let go?

Letting go of such valuable things seemed crazy, but what else could he do?  He was so tired.  Seeing the next fruit tree, and smelling it's fruit was enough.  He dropped the wooden apples and reached up for his meal.  He was happy again.

Like that little monkey, we sometimes carry things that seem too valuable to let go.  A man carries an image of himself as "productive"- carries it like a shiny wooden apple.  But in reality, his busyness leaves him tired and hungry for a better life.