Dearest Fear

image from sailboatstory.com

Dearest Fear,

I sneaked one past you.  Ha!  Make it a double ha ha! :)  

I was able to jumpstart this project with the greatest team in the whole wide universe without your interference.

thesparkproject.com

Yay!  I filled my heart so much excitement there was no room for you.    

However, now that we’re nearing the end I see you creeping in.

“What if you don’t reach 100% of your funding goal for the documentary?”

“What if you run out of funds and you can’t even give honorarium to your mentors?”

“What will happen to the students after your 12 sessions?”

My head’s getting dizzy with all the what-ifs.  My heart's thumping very fast it’s zooming way past it’s normal speed limit.  

Just when I’m about to lose my calm, I heard a whisper.

“Trust”, it says.

“Trust that help will come.”

“Trust that everything will pan out.”

“Trust in the goodness of people.”

image from psychologytoday

Then, I waved you goodbye.

I know you’re there to protect me but I don’t need you right now, Fear.   I will be ok- even if everything I’ve built comes crushing down before my very eyes.  

I understand that I am not the project.

But I saw how deeply I can love and give because of this project.

I experienced the generosity and passion of like-minded souls who ran the race with me.  

Thank you for saying yes to this Dane Raymundo, Dana Salonga, Nory San Juan, Karl Jingco, Monique Pereda, Raisa Perez, Rod Valencia, Louie Payawal, Mige Espena, Yenny Tjioe Saw, Jenn Maliwanag, Aticia Reyes, Ma’am Arlene Sarmiento, Ron Tayon, Cathy Gargaritano, Melvin Ayag, Mhel Almario, Christine Mislang, Krishna Quemado, Tricia Ricasio, Anne Casten, Joshua Siscar, Charissa Carlos, Dominic Cheoc, Christa Del Rosario, Mae Ignacio, Felix Gaco, Inee Co and Paola Policarpio.

I witnessed the growth of the students in the last 9 weeks.  I am affirmed that they can do great things given the right training and opportunity.

SPED students' pursuit of the arts

If we just focus on their strengths and gifts, and nurture these souls with acceptance and kindness they can escape the small box society puts them in.  

I learned my lessons.  

Fear, at this point that’s all that matters.

Goodbye!

                                                      

                                                           Sincerely,

                                                              

                                                                    Karen

meditation by Release Your Wings

I'm afraid

Before, I was just skimming the surface
Merely checking the playing field
Engaging only when I want to
Then, retreating in my comfort zone if the demand is too much


Times have changed
I feel the pull to cross the unchartered waters
I feel the need to let go of the comfort of the usual
Looks like I have to brave the unknown much sooner than expected


I am afraid


The task I face looms like a mountain  
The stakes are higher
The expectations greater
My inner voice taunts me, "You know nothing about this"


I am afraid


Now, I have to move
The field is ready
There is no time to stall
Everybody's eagerly waiting 


I am afraid



Then, I thought
This is not my task
This is Yours
I'm merely the pawn sent by the commander to do the groundwork


I will hold on to that


Yes, this is Your task

You are in charge
I am merely the one overseeing it for you
I am only a caretaker


Yet, some fear still remains


It clutches my heart like a thief
Who wouldn't let go of an object which is not his
I bravely take a step forward anticipating an attack- none came
And so I run as fast as I can 


I ran until I reach Your sanctuary
I cloaked myself in Your peace
Armed myself with Your strength
Then with all the courage I can muster, I head towards the field assigned for me


I feel the fear slowly ebbing away.


Then, I realize
That fear is not real
It stands tall like a scary thief blocking my path
But if I move, it cannot do anything


I am free

video by Release Your Wings

6 out of 7

Photo from http://www.wtatennis.com

Not a bad batting average.  Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok.  The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".

Yes, I just reaffirmed myself.  To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart.  I really wanted to perfect it this time.  But I didn't.  At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me.  I couldn't exactly recall what happened.  I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered.  I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.

A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner.  Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished.  I couldn't pinpoint why I do this.  I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.

They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart.  Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do.  Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!".  It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy.  Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream.  It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.

True, I don't know what's out there.  How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me.  But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and  I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!


                                           video from bkwsuglasgow

White Lady

Painting by Marina Petro 

I was eating dinner by my lone self in a huge hall (imagine a portion of Hogwarts dining hall, uhmm...more or less a quarter of it).  I only switched on the bulb directly above me and kept the corridor lights dim.

Adjacent the area is the foyer enclosed by a glass window which allowed me to view the garden outside.  I caught a glimpse of someone in white moving in the garden.  "That's weird", I thought.  I knew that everybody's meditating upstairs.  I squirmed on my seat to directly face the window 5 feet away.  The lady in white stared at me.  I quickly shifted my position and turned away.  In my peripheral view, I saw the lady move as well.  I faced the window again.  She did the same.  At this point, I was amazed that I'm not shrieking my lungs out.  (Has meditating made me this calm?)  Slowly, I moved closer and looked intently to gaze at my own face reflected on the glass window.

I realized that in life, the scariest thing of all is facing my own shadow.  Before, I would do all sorts of things to escape it- play, party, work, sleep, watch tv, work some more.  When I'm alone, the thoughts of what happened, what could have been, what if, and what will happen just kept on coming.  I would drown the voice in my head with incessant busyness or sleep to escape.

It's easier to just move away from it.  Or so I thought.

The issues just kept on piling up and and sooner or later it hounded me.  End result, my life got stuck then it spiralled down.  I felt lost and empty.  When I hit rock bottom, I turned to spirituality.

There, I learned how to face my own demons, hold it by its horns, and purl it around before throwing it into oblivion.  End result:  a significant decrease of baggage thus I now tread through life lightly and happily as I focus on what really matters.