The enemy within

image from http://pridenews.ca

I will fight!

The moment I utter these words, my enemy appears.

I am surprised to see that I am looking at my mirror image. Though we have the same face, we have opposite demeanor.

My mirror image avoids my gaze as I peer straight into her eyes.  Her head is bowed and her hands are folded back.  Like a puppet, she has numerous strings on her arm, hands, legs and feet which allows others to pull her in any which way they wish.  On her head is a handwritten message which says, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.    

"She is my enemy?!", I shout bewildered.

A voice answers, "She is a part of you. She represents your old sanskar (pattern) of pleasing everybody but yourself that you end up not knowing who you are."

"How will I fight her?", I ask.

"You have to set her free.", the voice replies.  "Every time you say yes to something you don't believe in, you allow people pull her here and there.  When you doubt yourself, you make the NOT GOOD ENOUGH message bolder.  When you don't speak your mind, the lower her head bows."

"I am not her! I refuse to be a puppet!", I scream.

Then, one of the strings snap.

Today, I realize that the enemy is not something or someone lurking outside.  What I really have to fight are my old patterns and beliefs (sanskars).

How about you, what old sanskars imprison you?

video from easymeditation

I will fight!

photo from www.t-nation.com

"When someone sticks on your back like a monkey you may shout at them- at least in your mind," says my spiritual adviser from the West.

"You see, there are some people who cling on too tightly to you.  They take it upon themselves to monitor your every move and tell you how to live your life.  You can tell them, "Go to Hell!", she explains. 

"Seriously? How about harmony?", I ask.

"How about your sanity?", she counters.

"When you say yes to everyone and allow people to control you, you give up your power.  You give up your peace. You're not even in harmony with yourself".

"Ok, you give in to the desires of others so they're ok with you.  But, if it doesn't resonate with who you are and what you truly want, then it causes an internal discord.", she continues.

"What do I have to do?", I asks.

"You have to learn to defend yourself.  I use a mantra as a weapon to sticky people who hang on to me like a leech.  In  my mind, I shout at them, "Go to hell!", she replies.

"You see, I can't find another word strong enough so they can let me be.", she elucidates.

Sensing that I'm still not convinced she adds, "You can't be too calm, you'll be trampled on. You have to be strong, too."

"It is balance that you seek, right?," she asks.

"Then, you should know when to accommodate people and when to say, Go to Hell!", she advises.

I really tried my darnest to utter the words but I really can't.  For now all I could say is, "I will fight!"

Have you heard the scandal?

image from artflakes.com

It was way too early in the morning when that question was asked.  I tried to let it pass though it seems too loaded to ignore.

We were in a big room with little kids playing about yet the issue still persisted.  "She was only 12 years old,", said the informant.

My curiosity (a.k.a. hmm-let's-see-what-others-are-doing) got the better of me and so I inquired, "Who is this you're talking about?".

I was immediately given a short reply.  Realizing that I really don't know the person, I kept quiet but the Pandora's box has been opened.  Almost all the adults in the room gave his own version of the tale and his own comment.

I didn't want to have anything to do with it so I mufffled the noise with my inner ramblings.

"You shouldn't have asked!", I rebuked myself. "Why do you need to know?" 

Before my one minute of allowable guilt-tripping ceases, I reminded myself, "You've been very careful with what you feed your mouth (being a strict vegetarian and all that) but sometimes you are not too keen on what passes your ears.  There are too many information in this world which are as useless as garbage."

My one minute alarm beeped but my inner voice continued its tirade, "On the surface, it seems like a casual conversation but you of all people understand energy!  When you pried in, you open the lid of a stinky dust bin and allow it's stench to permeate the air.  Also, whenever you look at the defects of others, you color yourself with that.  It's like a game of throwing mud, you can never get out of it clean."  

With head bowed, I realized that meddling in other people's affair is a total waste of time.  It's their life, their choices.    

video from EasyMeditation