6 out of 7

Photo from http://www.wtatennis.com

Not a bad batting average.  Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok.  The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".

Yes, I just reaffirmed myself.  To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart.  I really wanted to perfect it this time.  But I didn't.  At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me.  I couldn't exactly recall what happened.  I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered.  I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.

A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner.  Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished.  I couldn't pinpoint why I do this.  I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.

They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart.  Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do.  Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!".  It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy.  Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream.  It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.

True, I don't know what's out there.  How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me.  But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and  I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!


                                           video from bkwsuglasgow

Life in a blender

picture from http://www.karenwyattmd.com

What do you do when life throws you lemons?
They say make lemonade
I say, "Dodge!"
Duh?!

What if it's a lemon avalanche?
Wikihow says swim and try to stay near the surface
I say, "I'm clueless, I just hope I survive."
Huh....(deep sigh)

It happens
Storms strike at the most unholy hours
The whole of your world goes spinning
Aaaaargggh!!!!

I don't understand
No, I refuse to accept
Life can go haywire
Hmmmm....

Things don't go as planned
Setbacks happen
Or worse, things fall apart
Ooops!

Have you ever tasted the nearness of success with added spoonfuls of fear?
How about truckloads of expectations masquerading itself as tough love?
It's disgusting, let me tell you
Yuck!

People go crazy
Dreams elude even the most persistent
Happily ever after seems so far away
Well...

Whatever, I'll still push on!

Dearest Little Sister

picture from http://mypoeticside.com/poems

I’m sorry I’m not big enough to accommodate you. I just can't accept that you choose to stay in the rut of the past for too long.  I wish I can say “It’s ok” all the time.  

I look into your eyes and I can’t find the sparkle.  Where did you hide it?  Where has my unstoppable partner in crime gone?  You used to simply jump over the hurdles.  It pains me to see you in a standstill.  

I’ve told you many times over, “You’re the best among us siblings”.  I hope you realize this soon enough.  When did you stop believing you can?  Well, never mind.  Just move forward and never ever remember “that” moment.  Frankly, it is merely a speck now.  You only made it so big in your head.

I understand that you are afraid.  It’s ok, just don’t stay afraid because it will eat you up to pieces.  I know because I’ve been there.  It’s like a humongous dragon but, if you look closely enough, it’s all just smoke- a scary-looking mirage.  You’re made of tougher stuff.  You have the heart of a lion!  

Move past the fear.  I assure you, it will dissipate.  Go on dear, simply take steps forward.  You can do it! Just believe in yourself again.

I'm Sorry, Self

I had my first acupuncture session today.  My acupuncturist told me that my pain is related to stress or anger.  I knew that it's definitely not anger because I'm basically just chill and I think I've gotten too old to get mad.  By elimination, the culprit must be stress.    

So, I began scolding myself.  "How can you be stressed when you just work for 4 days?  And no! you don't work!  You just play with kids!...You don't have the right!  You meditate at dawn and dusk and every chance you can get in between...You've simplified your life to a hilt, there's really nothing to be worried about."

On and on it went until I understood what caused the stress- the negative self-talk.  True, I've stopped complaining about other people (80-90% of the time) but at times, I can still be hard on myself.  I would berate myself for missed targets and failed attempts.

Feeling guilty doesn't works so says Sr. Denise.  I think it works like a  superglue, cementing the feet of my intellect (the part of me which makes decision) on the ground that's why I feel stuck.  Complaining about anything, even about myself takes my happiness away.  It's like a dark cloud covering my sun, a rain on my parade.

Sorry self.  Sometimes, I act like an uncompromising grown-up who blows up when circumstances don't go her way.  Well, things happen.  It's ok.  Just look at the bright side and keep on moving forward!  

 

Let The Past Be The Past

When the blue flu hits me, I mope, sing, listen to songs, converse with God or write to myself.  Hmmm...I feel I need a pep talk right now, so here goes...

Dearest  K,

          You   are   so   lovely!   Sweetie,  you  are  wonderful.   You   are  very, very,  very  special.   You  know  that,  right?   You  are  the  best and you deserve  only  the  best.  I understand   that  you  cannot  quite  see  that right  now.  But   believe  me,  you  are  a  gem!   You’re   still   in   the  process   of   becoming   a   diamond   hence   the   pressure   and   the  mess.   I  wish   I  can   spare   you   the   pain   but  it  is   crucial   that  you   go   through   this   so   you   can   be   the   jewel   that   you   truly are.   Just   keep  on   moving   forward   and   you’ll   get  to   where   you want   to   be .  And  never   ever   look   back.   Just   place   one   foot   after  the   other  and   walk   towards   your  dream.   I’ll   see  you  really, really  soon!

          I  love  you!                                             

           

                                                                    Yours  ‘til the sun shines,

                                                                          your perfect self