I just survived a trip with my family!

My mom & my siblings will launch a vehement protest on this (my father's always neutral)  but I cannot think of a more apt statement.

It felt as though I was transported back to high school.

We'd wake each other up in the morning and cajole each other to take a bath.  (I go back to sleep after dawn meditation).  Ate Con, Mama and Papa are up and about like roosters while the rest of us need the alarm of a hundred gongs.  Since we're a big family, it will take 2 hours for everyone to be ready. 

Some are patiently waiting. The others will get upset. Then, we'll all reconcile when we get going.

The next commotion happens when we decide on the itinerary for the day after breakfast. We bicker like little kids, each one pushing for his/her agenda before we reach a compromise. (There's this unwritten rule that we always have to be together this family trip.)

Then somewhere in between, someone loses a ticket, a passport or gets lost.  Initially, hell breaks loose.  Then, eventually we'd huddle to get out of the rut.

Of course, there will always be the teasing and the I-want-to-interfere-with-your-choices-drama. 

"Ate Karen, why are you wearing the same top everyday?"

"I have 5 of these white shirts!"

"You haven't eaten the whole day."

"I've been drinking fresh juices the whole day. It's actually healthier than your food.”

"Why is your face like that? Can you please get a facial?"

"Can you please leave my face alone?”

Most of our photos look like this. And we are generally happy to be together.

But sometimes, being with the people I'm most familiar with actually feels like this. (My siblings urged me to meditate by this tree. I didn't know they have a sinister plan.)

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being with my family.  It's just that, I have to stand my ground firmer when I'm around them. 

I think we have strings and even webs of attachment to the ones closest to us. They can pull these strings more strongly than others. And when we feel the yank, we react without filtering or sugarcoating.

There's very few things which can upset me nowadays. I guess I've matured. But what my parents and siblings say or do still pinches or flatters my heart.

A true yogi remains equal either in praise or defamation.

I guess I'm not yet a yogi.

At least, I now know what I still need to work on. 

Detachment...being loving with clinging, involved yet not dependent.

meditation by Release Your Wings

It's not mine

painting from SpecialAchievers

I promised myself that I will never be a mother- at least in this lifetime.  I broke it. 

Two years ago, I gave birth to an idea (with 3 other colleagues and a 65 year old consultant).  Just like any mother will tell you, carrying the concept around for months is not convenient at all. Then the process of bringing it out to the world is painstaking.  The months that follow is even more difficult- it requires so much attention that I missed out on my oh-so-precious sleep and me-time.  It is so demanding that there were moments when I wish it was never born.  However, it was too late to sack it.  

Moreover, I do not have the strength to crush it.  It is too beautiful to behold.  I am head over heels over with it like a hopeless romantic.  I don't like it though that it makes heart go up and down like a rollercoaster.  If it's doing well, then I am happy.  When uncertainty creeps in, I shake in fear. And, when things get tough, my heart falters.

For awhile, it became an extension of me.  For a time, my life hanged on its thread and there were moments when I value it more than myself.

I guess, this is what my Teacher calls attachment.  He always say "remove your heart from this old world because it will only give you sorrow".

Now, I understand.  Anything which I label mine can pull me up, down or around.  I thought it makes me bigger and better but it only makes me a slave just like a dog tied to a rope.

Now, I know.  I will let it live but I will not write my name on it.  It is Yours now.  I don't want anything from it.  I will hold it only for as long as You want me to oversee things.  I can let it go in a blink of an eye.  It is Yours.  So, You will have to carry its basket of burdens. I am simply a caretaker.  I am not responsible, You are.

Now, I can sleep. 

I Lose What I Hold on to the Most

This is a precious lesson my old and trusted scrunchy taught me ( or reminded me of ).

After the new one I brought snapped, I told my old scrunchy, “Now, you’re the only one I have.  Make sure to stay with me until the end of my trip, ok”.  ( Yes, I talk to things. )

And it slipped from my hair the next day.  I retraced my steps, looked around, and tried to find a replacement in the store- but there’s no one like it.  I could not get a single scrunchy on top of the mountain. 

But I wasn’t devasted.  Instead, I let go.  I had a feeling it was bound to happen.

For someone following a spiritual path, holding on to something or someone is often a blockage.  It gives me a false sense of identity.  If I identify myself with the gadgets, cars, houses, or any material possession- my sense of self will go up or down depending on how much I have.  The same happens if I identify with position.  If I attach myself too closely to the people in my life, what will happen to me if my role with them finishes? 

Sister Denise from Canada related that there might be a time when all the worldly support we are holding on to collapse. 

Can I take the blow? Who am I without the money, the position, and the accolades?  What do I do if I am no longer someone else’s manager, daughter, or sister, or friend?  Can I carry on?

If everything that I value in my life leaves me, do I still know who I am?