Wednesday, January 14, 2015

It's not mine

painting from SpecialAchievers

I promised myself that I will never be a mother- at least in this lifetime.  I broke it. 

Two years ago, I gave birth to an idea (with 3 other colleagues and a 65 year old consultant).  Just like any mother will tell you, carrying the concept around for months is not convenient at all. Then the process of bringing it out to the world is painstaking.  The months that follow is even more difficult- it requires so much attention that I missed out on my oh-so-precious sleep and me-time.  It is so demanding that there were moments when I wish it was never born.  However, it was too late to sack it.  

Moreover, I do not have the strength to crush it.  It is too beautiful to behold.  I am head over heels over with it like a hopeless romantic.  I don't like it though that it makes heart go up and down like a rollercoaster.  If it's doing well, then I am happy.  When uncertainty creeps in, I shake in fear. And, when things get tough, my heart falters.

For awhile, it became an extension of me.  For a time, my life hanged on its thread and there were moments when I value it more than myself.

I guess, this is what my Teacher calls attachment.  He always say "remove your heart from this old world because it will only give you sorrow".

Now, I understand.  Anything which I label mine can pull me up, down or around.  I thought it makes me bigger and better but it only makes me a slave just like a dog tied to a rope.

Now, I know.  I will let it live but I will not write my name on it.  It is Yours now.  I don't want anything from it.  I will hold it only for as long as You want me to oversee things.  I can let it go in a blink of an eye.  It is Yours.  So, You will have to carry its basket of burdens. I am simply a caretaker.  I am not responsible, You are.

Now, I can sleep. 

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