I looked at depression in the eye

It is ugly 
I tell you
It can make an energizer bunny
Into a zombie


It is a thief
It steals the spark 
In the eyes of its victims 
And leaves them in the dark


It is like a quicksand
It draws them deep 
Into the mud of what ifs and what could haves
Of whys and how comes


It is a predator
It kills its prey
Leaves them lifeless
And in coma


I tried to shake her out of it
I shouted as loud as I can so she would wake up
I begged her to see the bright side
I gave her the best advice I can find in my toolbox


But she was in so deep
Nothing could bring her back to life
Not even the man in white suit
Or the potions he recommends


“It cannot happen to her!”
I protested
I never thought I am capable of anger
Until that moment


For a time
I kept my distance
I could not stand being in the same space
I refused to see her deteriorate before my eyes


It hurts
Because she is the best among us
She can rule the world
If she wants to


I cry
Because she’s so close to me
I know her lofty dreams and ambitions
And I believe in her with all my heart


After a long while
I’ve learned 
To be present when I’m needed
And move away when she needs space


I remind myself to keep mum
When she complains
And just listen 
Even when I have a long speech prepared


I try
To understand her instead
She looks well
But deep inside she’s broken 


I saw once
How love heals
I will try that again
Along with faith that she will come back to life



P.S. I wrote this post sometime in 2016 when I witness someone so close battle depression.  As you could tell, just watching her go through it hurts. 

She's better now. Love works! :)

In the Philippines, 1 out 5 Filipinos suffer from anxiety or depression.  There's an antidote- self love.  Allow us to walk you through it this February 3, Saturday, 9:30-11:30am at Brahma Kumaris, Makati. 

Register to this free event at BK Lighthouse Youth. 
  

I Forgive You

image from http://www.sodahead.com

When I was young, when I ask for something and forget an important word, my parents always ask.  "What's the magic word?"  Now, that I get to borrow little ones for an hour or two, it's my turn to query them whenever they fail to remember the "magic word".


Since I've been studying how to become a better human being, I found out that there's not one abracadabra but a whole set of encyclopedia of it.  Some words heal a broken spirit while other phrases keep one soaring high.  There are simple sentences which melt the heart and some strong utterances which can ward off people possessed by evil spirits (of greed, anger, jealousy and the like).  There are expressions which paint a smile on faces and sincere declarations which wipe out tears.


I've long been searching for a powerful spell to cure my current affliction (for around a month now).  I have scoured the keeper of wisdom (bookstore).   I have asked the wizard of the 21st century (google) and grilled my trusted allies (friends)-  all for naught.



Today, I found the answer in the burrow of my heart.  "I forgive myself.  I forgive you."

                                                             

The Kundalini Rising

After 4 days:  2 four-hour plane rides, 2 stop overs, a 12 hour train ride, and a 1 hour bus ride, I finally set foot on the headquarters of the Brahma Kumaris Meditation Center in Mount Abu, or Madhuban as we fondly call it.  I felt instantly refreshed upon entering, as if I didn’t go through that long journey. 

I am so excited to attend the classes, go to my favorite meditation spots, and simply be with the international family.  But for the next  2 days I couldn’t.  I could only attend the early morning meditation and the first class.   Then, I’d sleep the rest of the day.  I would only wake up for meals and would be too tired to do anything else after that.  I felt that my hyperactive spirit is jailed inside my frail body.  And I couldn’t do anything but will to the body.

Or so I thought.  On the third day, an angel (a sister from the Philippines) told me what was happening.  She said that a disease is a mere message that my spirit is not at ease (dis ease- got it?).  My spirit wishes to burst forth but there are blockages, hence the physical illness.  That means my sickness is only a manifestation of a desonance of the body and spirit.  Thank God!  I really thought I’m going to die in Madhuban- that’s how weird I feel.  (Side note: I do want to die here but I wouldn’t hear the end of it from those closest to me- like I can still hear them if I do die.  Plus I don’t want to burden my companions.  It’s difficult enough to drag their bags along the 4 day journey back home.  How will they manage a dead body?)

So, let’s go back to me not dying.  She said this is what you call the kundalini rising.  For me, the image is that of the rising of the phoenix.  The old bird dies and from its ashes springs forth the powerful and mystical bird.  Since I’m fixated on dying, she finally relented that I may die in a sense that the old me dies so the brand new me emerges. Very dramatic, eh?  However, the work involve is painstaking.  5 days after hearing it, I’m still working on making the shift which will help me reach the phoenix status.  This means, I still am bed bound for at least 2 hours (I’m quite hyperactive and this is a real punishment for me).

"I need to shift. I need to shift. I need to shift!!!" 

The angel told me that I have to figure out what shift I needed to bring in my life.  I have to pinpoint and eventually stop that which does not work in my life anymore.  And only do the things which are aligned to my spirit.  It’s a hit and miss she says.  And it could be a long process.  It took her two years.

I’m partly writing to see if this can be my hit- that thing which will help my kundalini rise.

more info on healing