OMG! I think was depressed some few years back

I was looking for a photo and so I reviewed my old posts.  I came across this entry from 2014.  It  reminded me of a point in my life when I got depressed. OMG, I totally forgot that phase.

image from alwayslonliness

"You hurt me!", this was my battle cry the whole week I succumbed to depression.


I was angry


I had been keeping in all of my angst for years and one day it just blew up in front of my face.  I felt so angry, I don't know what to do.  So, for a week I locked myself in my room and wallowed in misery ( but I would come down twice a day to eat and yell at the dog- to let my anger out).

I generally keep everything in check except for my hurts. I look at my thoughts, my behavior and my response to things. But, when someone attacks me (confronts, backstabs or fights me), I automatically shut down and feel numb.  I come from a squishy home where my parents have always been very supportive and  protective.  I work in lala land where office politics is unheard of.  So, when I come across mean people, I freeze.

image from lenonhonor.com

I didn't stand up for myself


I spoke to a senior yogi about this.  She  asked, " What do you do when someone doesn't like you or fights with you?"  


"I meditate", I replied. 


"You're not defending yourself!", she answered back.

I have been defenseless for years.  So all the hurt, anger and pain were kept in the inner recesses of my heart.  One day, it came out and swallowed me whole.


I'm so angry at so many people, I don't want to see them.  

image by culturacolectiva.com

I wallowed in my pain


So, I went back home (I don't live with my family) and locked myself up.  In my room, I cried and  blamed everyone who hurt me. 


"Why are they so mean?", I asked. 


"Why didn't someone point this out to me early on."  


I did this blaming game day in and day out for seven days until I realize that I can't blame people for being who they are. 


They are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, yes.  But, there's no way I can change them.  


Even if I plead, "Can you please change because you're encroaching on my space?"  I doubt if they'll transform in an instant simply to accommodate me.  


People have their own issues and  personalities.  I have no control over that.  And, sadly, I don't live in a perfect world with angels and saints.  

There will always be difficult people. The only thing I can do is to toughen up and learn to master the art of standing up for myself. 

image from cloudarticles

I took responsibility

In the end, I realized that I am to blame.  I hurt myself because I allowed others to hurt me.  

Now, I have to power up! 

Meditation on Power by Release Your Wings

After 4 years, I did power up and now I can talk about how to deal with anxiety and depression.  But, I prefer walking you through it.  Join me and my friends in this forum on depression and the journey to self love and healing.

Register here

I looked at depression in the eye

It is ugly 
I tell you
It can make an energizer bunny
Into a zombie


It is a thief
It steals the spark 
In the eyes of its victims 
And leaves them in the dark


It is like a quicksand
It draws them deep 
Into the mud of what ifs and what could haves
Of whys and how comes


It is a predator
It kills its prey
Leaves them lifeless
And in coma


I tried to shake her out of it
I shouted as loud as I can so she would wake up
I begged her to see the bright side
I gave her the best advice I can find in my toolbox


But she was in so deep
Nothing could bring her back to life
Not even the man in white suit
Or the potions he recommends


“It cannot happen to her!”
I protested
I never thought I am capable of anger
Until that moment


For a time
I kept my distance
I could not stand being in the same space
I refused to see her deteriorate before my eyes


It hurts
Because she is the best among us
She can rule the world
If she wants to


I cry
Because she’s so close to me
I know her lofty dreams and ambitions
And I believe in her with all my heart


After a long while
I’ve learned 
To be present when I’m needed
And move away when she needs space


I remind myself to keep mum
When she complains
And just listen 
Even when I have a long speech prepared


I try
To understand her instead
She looks well
But deep inside she’s broken 


I saw once
How love heals
I will try that again
Along with faith that she will come back to life



P.S. I wrote this post sometime in 2016 when I witness someone so close battle depression.  As you could tell, just watching her go through it hurts. 

She's better now. Love works! :)

In the Philippines, 1 out 5 Filipinos suffer from anxiety or depression.  There's an antidote- self love.  Allow us to walk you through it this February 3, Saturday, 9:30-11:30am at Brahma Kumaris, Makati. 

Register to this free event at BK Lighthouse Youth. 
  

I looked at depression in the eye

It is ugly 
I tell you
It can make an energizer bunny
Into a zombie


It is a thief
It steals the spark 
In the eyes of its victims 
And leaves them in the dark


It is like a quicksand
It draws them deep 
Into the mud of what ifs and what could haves
Of whys and how comes


It is a predator
It kills its prey
Leaves them lifeless
And in coma


I tried to shake her out of it
I shouted as loud as I can so she would wake up
I begged her to see the bright side
I gave her the best advice I can find in my toolbox


But she was in so deep
Nothing could bring her back to life
Not even the man in white suit
Or the potions he recommends


“It cannot happen to her!”
I protested
I never thought I am capable of anger
Until that moment


For a time
I kept my distance
I could not stand being in the same space
I refused to see her deteriorate before my eyes


It hurts
Because she is the best among us
She can rule the world
If she wants to


I cry
Because she’s so close to me
I know her lofty dreams and ambitions
And I believe in her with all my heart


After a long while
I’ve learned 
To be present when I’m needed
And move away when she needs space


I remind myself to keep mum
When she complains
And just listen
Even when I have a long speech prepared


I try
To understand her instead
She looks well
But deep inside she’s broken 


I saw once
How love heals
I will try that again
Along with faith that she will come back to life



P.S.  If you are also going through something or if you simply want to take a retreat, this might help.  You may register online at www.tagaytayretreatcenter.org