The Red Monster Came Out of Hiding

The journey to self love and healing did not happen overnight.

First, I had to call out my enemy.  

image from medium.com

I have waged war against the television, waste thoughts and even laziness and won.  


I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized.  I was held captive.


The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years.  It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength. 

image from wikihow

Everytime I choose to keep quiet and follow orders I  do not understand, it becomes stronger.   Whenever I evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company. In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder.  When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh.  


It masks itself as the keeper of peace.  It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes.  It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok.  It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not). 

image from pinterest

I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long.  Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die.  


In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up.  I realized I was so angry, I feel drained.  I was so angry, I'm driving myself to death.  I was so angry, I succumb to depression.


It's been there all along but I have ignored it.  Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.


I have been told that this will happen.  I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better".  

Sister Denise, a senior yogi based in India says that my monsters have  to come out so I can eradicate it.  Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage.  


Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it.  So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.


Ok then, let the fight begin. 

image from buzzfeed

And fight the red monster, I did.  

                                              

                                           Meditation on Releasing Anger

 


Now 4 years later, having won my inner battle, I'd like to reach out and help others fight their own monsters.  (Wait, have you identified what your monster is?)  Let me walk you through it in this forum on coping with depression.

Register here

  

You hurt me

image from http://25.media.tumblr.com/

"You hurt me!", this was my battle cry the whole week I succumbed to depression.

I had been keeping in all of my angst for years and one day it just blew up in front of my face.  I felt so angry, I don't know what to do.  So, for a week I locked myself in my room and wallowed in misery ( but I would come down twice a day to eat and yell to the dog- just to let it out ).

I generally keep everything in check except for my hurts. I look at my thoughts, my behavior and my response to things.  But, when someone attacks me (confronts, backstabs or fights me), I automatically shut down and feel numb.  I come from a squishy home where my parents have always been very supportive and  protective. I work in lala land where office politics is unheard of.  So, when I come across mean people, I freeze.

I spoke to a senior sister about this.  She  asked, " What do you do when someone doesn't like you or fights with you?"  "I meditate", I replied. "You're not defending yourself!", she answered back.

I have been defenseless for years, so all the hurt, anger and pain were kept in the inner recesses of my heart.  One day, it came out and swallowed me whole.

I'm so angry at so many people, I don't want to see them.  So, I locked myself up.  In my room, I cried and  blamed everyone who hurt me. "Why are they so mean?", I ask.  "Why didn't someone point this out to me early on."  I did this blaming game day in and day out for seven days until I realize that I can't blame people for being who they are.  They are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, yes.  But, there's no way I can change them.  Even if I plead, "Can you please change because you're encroaching on my space?"  I doubt if they'll transform in an instant simply to accommodate me.  People have their own issues and their own personalities.  I have no control over that.  And, sadly, I don't live in a perfect world with angels and saints.  There will always be difficult people.  The only thing I can do is to toughen up and learn to master the art of standing up for myself.

In the end, I realized that I am to blame.  I hurt myself because I allowed others to hurt me.  Now, I have to power up!

                                                                  video from easy meditation

The Red Monster Came Out of Hiding

cartoon from http://www.clipartbest.com

I have waged war against the television (How to kill addiction) , waste thoughts (Thinking positively works) and even laziness(Who's your nemesis?) and won.  I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized.  I was held captive.

The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years.  It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength.  Everytime I chose to keep quiet and follow orders I  do not understand, it becomes stronger.   Whenever I choose to evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company.  In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder.  When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh.  It masks itself as the keeper of peace.  It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes.  It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok.  It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not).

I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long.  Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die.  In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up.  I realized that I was so angry I'm driving myself to death.  I am so angry, it's using up all of my energy. I am so angry I got depressed.

It's been there all along but I have ignored it.  Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.

I have been told that this will happen.  I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better".  Sister Denise, a senior sister based in India says that my monsters have  to come out so I can eradicate it.  Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage.  Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it.  So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.

 Ok then, let the fight begin.

                                                           video from easymeditation

Thank You Little Sister

Picture from http://www.taramcglinchey.com

"Why are you heavy?", asked my business mentor as we end our usual Monday meeting.  "Huh?" , I cluelessly answered.  "You have to check yourself.", she retorted.

The Inner Scrutiny
I immediately went through my usual to do list: go to meditation class daily (check), enjoy work (check) and propel my other projects forward (check).  Since things appeared to be going smoothly, how can there be any blockages? Otherwise, it should hamper my world. Still, I persisted on investigating the matter closely.  I spent extra time in the early morning and before bedtime in silence to check the state of my heart.  To my surprise, I found out that I am indeed carrying a baggage as heavy as a block of cement.  I've been busy being responsible at home, keeping a happy disposition at work and being courageous with my new endeavors that I didn't realized that I'm not really ok.

Wearing many hats and thinking too much made me forget what I feel. I didn't realized that I am angry. Well, not at myself.  As I mentioned earlier, my egotistical self thinks I'm superduper fine.  I was angry at  the other person in my life who by my standards is not making her life move.  I am mad at her for not stepping up to her full potential.  In my head, I'd like to jolt her out of her inertia and I was constantly screaming "Get out of it!".

I metamorphosed into an I-am-better-than-you zombie (see I was a zombie), judging her for not being like me, telling her what to do like a nagging mother (i thought that would help), and berating her for not doing her duties (cause I think that an effective house manager/older sister follows up and gives the necessary reinforcement).

The Talk
A talk with my spiritual teacher helped me look at the situation more clearly.  He said, "You were mad at her because you see her as your sister who's not facing her responsibilities but you failed to see that she is a struggling soul.  She is weak at this point and your expectations and judgment just pushes her down even more."

I was ashamed for behaving so badly.  I never thought I am still influenced by anger until this moment.  My negative take of the situation made it worse than what it really is.

I had a long honest talk with myself.  "This is not your true nature.  You are as accepting and accommodating as an ocean.  You are a loving soul.  You have a big heart which can embrace the whole world.  Go back to who you really are."

The Gift
I had to go through a process of facing myself squarely, forgiving myself, and going back to my truth before I regained my light heart back.

It was not a walk in the park, it took me weeks to clear the blocks.  I realized that any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are.  It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out.

Thank you, little sister for helping me learn this lesson.

Who's Your Nemesis?

Mine is carelessness and laziness.

I figured out that I love comfort and so I sometimes I put it first even before the deadliest deadline.  Then, I would cram like crazy when "the hour" comes.

Conquering of the Enemy

I know I should change it.  It's my kryptonite (i'm coming from the perspective that I'm a hero as explained in the previous post).  I understand that I lose my power when I succumb to it.

But it's so deceiving like the Hydra, that monster of Greek mythology whose head multiplies when slashed.  I would conquer the dreaded beast in a week- like wake up as soon as my alarm rings, submit all my papers on time, and come to work before time (not 5 minutes after) and then it would come up again the next day.  It can be frustrating.  

But I guess, the main weakness of any human being operates like that.  It keeps on coming back because the habit has been instilled for years, for several lifetimes even.  And so the roots run deep.  

So I thought,  "Let me check out what Hercules did to kill the opponent."  Legend claimed that he asked for help!  He made Iolaus burn the severed head with a flaming torch then he crushed and tore the main head (which remains unharmed if attacked with a weapon) before burying it deep in the ground.  

So, i'll try to do the same.  First, I will ask help from The Source.  Then,  I will burn my antagonist (carelessness and laziness) in the fire of yoga (meditation) before throwing it into the abyss.   

The 5 Thieves

How about you?  Have you figured out who your adversary is?

We often  externalize things.  We have been brainwashed into thinking that the enemy lurks outside.  Truth is, it in inside of us.

I learned in raja yoga meditation that our enemies are the vices.  It  may be in any of the 5 categories:        

1. Anger says "I am right.  You are wrong!".  So it feels offended, insults, blames, criticizes, and judges.  Relative of anger includes: dislike, irritation, revenge, resentment, bitterness, animosity, and distrust among others.      

 
2. Lust says "You exist to please me!"  And it says this line to things and people alike.  Lust is a slave to the 5 senses and it lives life "drinking, eating, and being merry", often at the expense of others because it thinks only of the satisfaction of the physical self  (which can never ever be satisfied and just keeps on wanting).

3. Greed says "I want more and more and more!"  It is always hungry because it is empty inside.  It thinks that collecting more trophies in the form of gadgets, money, luxurious items, other possessions, and even relationships to fill in the inner vacuum.  

4. Attachment says "You belong to me and to me alone!"  It sticks to its prey like a leech and never lets go.  It's is afraid of being not needed, letting the other be on his own, and of standing on his own two feet.           

5. Ego says "I am better than you or I am not enough".  It swings from superiority to inferiority because at it's core lies a deep insecurity.  Ego holds on to the false self.  It associates itself too much to what can be seen, tasted, heard, and touched so it always looks for comfort, praise, reassurance, even pity, consolation, and help.

My Struggle

I think that careless and laziness is a subtle form of ego because it feeds on comfort.  It is very selfish because it does not consider consequences of its action on the self and others.  It is like a spoiled brat whining, "I want this! I want that" without ever discerning if it's good or bad.   

Knowing who my nemesis is, is the first step to winning the inner battle and letting the hero within shine.  It took me careful scrutiny and reflection to pinpoint it accurately.

I hope that you also find the time to check yourself and then take steps of courage to change.

The Angry Bird Followed Me to India

I don’t like angry birds because they’re silly.  They use themselves as canons in their war against the pigs (angry bird game).  So, they die whether they hit their target or not and eventually leave their chicks orphaned (if ever they succeed in rescuing the eggs).

Such is anger, it makes birds and people alike illogical.  

But, I don’t want to write about anger.  I’d like to shed light on dislike, a close relative of anger. 

They say that the law of attraction allows one to manifest whatever it is he truly desires.  If I think about it ardently, it will come. Consequently, it's possible to call forth what I don’t like (since I think of it as well).  Dislike is a strong energy which is sometimes even greater than wanting.

A friend gave me an angry bird hat to bring to India.  I left it.  I didn’t like angry birds, remember?  Incidentally, that friend went to India also and brought the bird with her.  She thought I forgot it.  The bird literally flew around 3,000 miles to come to me (2,961 miles if you want to be exact).

And I had to wear it! (It's an angry bird bonnet.) It turned out to be really cold at night (during the first week) and I didn’t pack a headgear.  Since, it was my nightly companion, I decided to make peace with the bird.  "What can I do if it’s angry?  I cannot change it.  It is what it is. The only thing I can change is my perception of it.   I don’t have to be irritated, feel bad, or even react to it."

Bro. Nirwair, a senior yogi based in India, shared in his class, “what is right is right and what is wrong is also right”. 

Life is a drama.  It is inherent in the plot that heroes and heroines come across the protagonists and villains.  And the heroes can only become who they truly are if they win over the bad guys. 

    

In this case, it’s as simple as accepting their existence. ( I'm the hero, the angry bird's the villain.  Got it? )

  

Becoming Free from Subtle Anger

by Dadi Janki

Dadi welcomed everyone with the words ‘Om Shanti’, explaining that these words mean: I am a being of peace.

Anger and peacelessness disappear with the words ‘Om Shanti’. Peace brings smiles and peacelessness makes us wilt. Anger is expressed in many different ways, through our faces, eyes, and mouths. Dadi asked if we gathered today to become free from anger and asked if it was possible to become free from anger.

The key is to remember God with your mind and then remember your highest form. Our minds are tools that get trapped. The symptoms of a tired mind is stress and confusion. Subtle aspects of anger express themselves in different ways and then it’s as if your mind becomes a dustbin, collecting rubbish and giving rubbish.

The medicine is ‘Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil and think no evil’. Then you will become like an angel. The face of angels sparkle so much. Their faces are peaceful. They have tolerance and are content.

Dadi said that she wears white, has empty pockets, but is happy. She asked if we got angry if we didn’t get what we wanted. Often we wonder what others will say if we don’t have something a certain way and we move forward in this way.

Desires manifest in thoughts. ‘I want this’ or ‘This should happen’. Often we think, ‘This should happen like this’ and, if it doesn’t, we might not be angry, but we won’t be happy, we will not be pleased. In relationships, even with children, this is what is happening these days.

If we’re not happy with each other, it isn’t a life. Since childhood, at the age of 11, I had a deep feeling I would be of use to God and to the world. I asked myself, even to this day, Is God pleased with my life? Is the world happy?

Why don’t you get angry with me? You don’t, because I don’t want anything from you and you don’t want from me.

Of the virtues, purity must come first and then peace. If there’s any impurity, or dishonesty, then there cannot be peace.

If pain comes to us, and we can come back into peace, the pain dissolves. We have stored a lot of pain inside, whether that pain is of the body or of the mind. When we cultivate pure thoughts, the mind begins to heal. With positive thoughts we experience peace.

We have to check our thoughts and ask why we don’t experience peace. Our heart is broken in many pieces. It’s taken sorrow from everywhere. Whose job is it to bring back what has been broken? Humans can speak bitter words that break a heart and yet the same mouth can also say sweet words that heal a heart.

What are we taking benefit from? I may have seen something or heard something, but did I experience peace, love, or good wishes for someone through that? To reform the self, I need constant attention not to see or speak of anything negative. Then I can feel energised.

There are two causes of the symptoms of anger: desires and attachments. With attachment, we are afraid to lose what we have, even if it’s unnecessary. We need to be simple and a sample.

When we accumulate a lot, we fall ill. We are stressed because of illness. Then, stress becomes the illness. Stress creates a loss inside. First, take care of the mind, the heart, and the intellect. Let my mind be free from desires, my heart be free from attachment, otherwise, my intellect cannot do what is right. It will be influenced from the outside. The intellect knows what’s true and what’s right and wrong, but it doesn’t have the feeling in its heart. And so, despite knowing what is good, what is charity, it cannot do it. The intellect cannot follow to do what is right.

Link your mind with God and your heart will start to feel. Then the heart will be able to converse with the mind. Then you can transform yourself and make changes. My wisdom and good wishes will support you.

Dadi shared a story of a person with three friends. One friend stayed with the person all of the time. The next one was around occasionally. And the third one was rarely around. When a difficulty came, the person asked each friend for help. The one who was always there said that he couldn’t help. The one who was there occasionally said he couldn’t help. But the third one said that he could help. Then Dadi asked the audience who the three friends were. The first one was the person’s body. The second one was the person’s friends and family. And the third one was the person’s good karma, good actions. We must ask ourselves, if we leave our bodies now, who will support us?

Our bodies cannot help us. Our friends and family will leave us at the crematorium and get on with their lives. It’s our good actions that will help us in our time of need and what we take with us.

When we keep our attention focused on performing good karma, we get God’s support. In the world, we get punished for performing sin. But the Supreme Soul is so good that He doesn’t punish. He gives understanding.

God helps us finish our accounts, the past, and create an elevated future.

We store the hurt we’ve taken and then one day it comes out, after years of suppression. Then we cannot tolerate any more. It’s strange that in this world we can train animals to be sweet, but we can’t train humans. But humans can transform themselves.

We must pay attention to the quality of our thoughts. A negative thought becomes a constant flow. They create storms in our minds. Whatever we suppress depletes us. Our mind and body doesn’t work well. We must also deal with weak and waste thoughts. These thoughts make us unable to deal with what is going on around us. We get irritated and develop arrogance. We need to develop pure, elevated thoughts. These thoughts generate humility. Then we can deal easily with life and have no complaints.

We cannot engage in giving or taking sorrow. We need to think in such a way that we bring blessings. Dadi said she doesn’t ask God for blessings or power. If we did, God would turn a stern eye and said, “You are a soul, a child of the Supreme. Don’t you think you have power?” There should be so much intoxication over all we have inherited - love, power, blessings, and courage. All God wants is for us to continue looking in His direction.

Whoever I remember is reflected in my eyes. If I remember them, I will draw their remembrance to me. Of our five fingers on our hand, only one indicates direction and can point to the Supreme up above. That same finger should also point to the self. It should not point outside of itself. If it does point outward, then you can be influenced by the outside. This is how you open the door to let rubbish inside. If you have that rubbish inside you, how can you belong to God? God tells us to let go of everything and pay attention to Him alone. Manmanabhav.

Then God will make the line of the intellect clean and clear.

There is one condition attached to having a relationship with the Supreme. It is either with the situation (bat) or God (Bap).What can we do when we cry out in distress? What can God do? We have to realise we are the authority. We can become like a jailbird, caught and trapped in situations and relationships. Birds are meant to fly away. When birds are in a cage with other birds they get comfortable being fed, just chirp, and don’t fly anymore.

Dadi inspired everyone there to achieve their goals of becoming free from anger. She asked people put their hand up if they wanted to accomplish this. (Everyone put up their hand.) She said that it was now or never.
It’s amazing what the power of a clean thought in a gathering can achieve. It isn’t a matter of time studying, some may study for 20 year and some for 20 days and if they’re touched, they will progress greatly. Dadi explained how and now. It is the qualities of truth, love, peace, humility, and patience that will enable us to become what we’re meant to be. We must be all of these qualities in a natural way.

When there is a fire, do we add fuel to the flames - or cold water? When someone gets angry, if I start to heat up and get angry myself, how will I help the other to become free from anger? We have to give good vibrations and good feelings to cool people down and dissolve a potentially negative situation. We must feel that nothing is difficult. We must see the specialities in others and nothing will be difficult. There is nothing to worry about.
Three virtues are essential: tolerance, patience, and contentment. If you have these three, you are free.

Om Shanti