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I have waged war against the television (How to kill addiction) , waste thoughts (Thinking positively works) and even laziness(Who's your nemesis?) and won. I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me. It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized. I was held captive.
The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years. It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength. Everytime I chose to keep quiet and follow orders I do not understand, it becomes stronger. Whenever I choose to evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company. In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder. When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh. It masks itself as the keeper of peace. It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes. It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok. It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not).
I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long. Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die. In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up. I realized that I was so angry I'm driving myself to death. I am so angry, it's using up all of my energy. I am so angry I got depressed.
It's been there all along but I have ignored it. Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.
I have been told that this will happen. I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better". Sister Denise, a senior sister based in India says that my monsters have to come out so I can eradicate it. Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage. Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it. So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.
Ok then, let the fight begin.