The hardest word for me to say is "no" I have the makings of the perfect slave I'll do anything the higher ups tell me No questions asked My healer says "Your tolerance level is until the nth power" I always retaliate with kindness I know I can pass for a martyr
Recently, I discovered Too much of something is bad enough The Spice Girls have been singing that for decades But I am not paying attention Tolerance becomes cowardice When it is out of proportion I've always seen myself as courageous I never say die But all too often I never stand up for myself For the sake of harmony "Dance with their sanskaras (nature)", I often say There's a point though When they're already stepping on my feet Letting others do that over and over again Will leave me with a broken leg So, now I have resolved to fight To be honest I really don't know how to I always send flowers when someone hits me with arrows I've been losing the battle though It's time to change strategy I'll put the armor on and ready my weapons From now on, I will face
I have waged war against the television (How to kill addiction) , waste thoughts (Thinking positively works) and even laziness(Who's your nemesis?) and won. I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me. It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized. I was held captive.
The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years. It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength. Everytime I chose to keep quiet and follow orders I do not understand, it becomes stronger. Whenever I choose to evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company. In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder. When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh. It masks itself as the keeper of peace. It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes. It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok. It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not).
I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long. Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die. In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up. I realized that I was so angry I'm driving myself to death. I am so angry, it's using up all of my energy. I am so angry I got depressed.
It's been there all along but I have ignored it. Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.
I have been told that this will happen. I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better". Sister Denise, a senior sister based in India says that my monsters have to come out so I can eradicate it. Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage. Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it. So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.
I've been trying to understand why I have to change. It's so difficult! Sometimes, (like right now) I'd rather revert to my old ways. It's so much easier that way. At the moment, I can very well sympathize with how Arjuna of the Bhagavad Gita feels before the great war begins. His words express my sentiments, "My limbs sink, my mouth is parched, my body trembles, the hair bristles on my flesh. The Magic bow slips from my hand, my skin burns, I cannot stand still, my mind reels." I rather not fight this inner battle. Why can I not just let things be? Why get out of my comfort zone? Why struggle? I really need to understand! I've been doing some soul searching these past few days. Deep inside, I know I need to find my why so I can move forward (and it has to be a very strong why). Before the day ends, I have discovered my why in 3 words, I LOVE ME!. "Seek and you shall find" proves to be true after all. I deserve the best! I so love me! I got a note from my life coach (i'm a self-development junkie, in case you haven't figured it out) at the end of a leadership course, it reads: I DESERVE THE BEST! I wept buckets when I read it. It hits my heart like an arrow because I have short changed myself so many times. I often tell myself, "Ok na yan!" or "This is enough." or "Let's just stay where it's comfortable.". I have settled for crumbs and the sidelines for so long that's why my heart aches. The note just echoes what my heart has been screaming for, "I deserve the best!" So, from now on, no more settling. I shall not rest until I become the best me. That means, all the bad stuff must go. It's time to level up! "Self, let's get better!" They say life teaches lessons. Funny thing is, tests come and will keep coming until I get the lesson. So, the challenges are really exams for me so I can get the point. It can really be tiring and boring to get the same test over and over (even if it's masks in various scenarios). So, I say, "Self, let's finish this one so we can move up a notch! We don't want to get stuck, do we?". It's just a small thing. No biggie! I've been listening to Bro. Jagdish's classes. He says even if you are facing a mountain, imagine that it's just made of cotton and you can easily pass through. "You have the power to make anything smaller", he emphasized. "Our Teacher tells us to consider obstacles to be a paper tiger so there's really no need to be afraid." Finally, he stressed out it is written in last stanza of the Gita that Arjuna will definitely be victorious because God is on his side. In the same way, if I just keep God's company, everything will be a breeze. I love me! I love me! I love me! I love myself so much that I will bravely face and conquer my biggest enemies- my fears and my weaknesses. Game on!
