You hurt me

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"You hurt me!", this was my battle cry the whole week I succumbed to depression.

I had been keeping in all of my angst for years and one day it just blew up in front of my face.  I felt so angry, I don't know what to do.  So, for a week I locked myself in my room and wallowed in misery ( but I would come down twice a day to eat and yell to the dog- just to let it out ).

I generally keep everything in check except for my hurts. I look at my thoughts, my behavior and my response to things.  But, when someone attacks me (confronts, backstabs or fights me), I automatically shut down and feel numb.  I come from a squishy home where my parents have always been very supportive and  protective. I work in lala land where office politics is unheard of.  So, when I come across mean people, I freeze.

I spoke to a senior sister about this.  She  asked, " What do you do when someone doesn't like you or fights with you?"  "I meditate", I replied. "You're not defending yourself!", she answered back.

I have been defenseless for years, so all the hurt, anger and pain were kept in the inner recesses of my heart.  One day, it came out and swallowed me whole.

I'm so angry at so many people, I don't want to see them.  So, I locked myself up.  In my room, I cried and  blamed everyone who hurt me. "Why are they so mean?", I ask.  "Why didn't someone point this out to me early on."  I did this blaming game day in and day out for seven days until I realize that I can't blame people for being who they are.  They are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, yes.  But, there's no way I can change them.  Even if I plead, "Can you please change because you're encroaching on my space?"  I doubt if they'll transform in an instant simply to accommodate me.  People have their own issues and their own personalities.  I have no control over that.  And, sadly, I don't live in a perfect world with angels and saints.  There will always be difficult people.  The only thing I can do is to toughen up and learn to master the art of standing up for myself.

In the end, I realized that I am to blame.  I hurt myself because I allowed others to hurt me.  Now, I have to power up!

                                                                  video from easy meditation

The Red Monster Came Out of Hiding

cartoon from http://www.clipartbest.com

I have waged war against the television (How to kill addiction) , waste thoughts (Thinking positively works) and even laziness(Who's your nemesis?) and won.  I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized.  I was held captive.

The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years.  It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength.  Everytime I chose to keep quiet and follow orders I  do not understand, it becomes stronger.   Whenever I choose to evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company.  In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder.  When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh.  It masks itself as the keeper of peace.  It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes.  It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok.  It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not).

I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long.  Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die.  In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up.  I realized that I was so angry I'm driving myself to death.  I am so angry, it's using up all of my energy. I am so angry I got depressed.

It's been there all along but I have ignored it.  Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.

I have been told that this will happen.  I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better".  Sister Denise, a senior sister based in India says that my monsters have  to come out so I can eradicate it.  Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage.  Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it.  So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.

 Ok then, let the fight begin.

                                                           video from easymeditation