You hurt me

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"You hurt me!", this was my battle cry the whole week I succumbed to depression.

I had been keeping in all of my angst for years and one day it just blew up in front of my face.  I felt so angry, I don't know what to do.  So, for a week I locked myself in my room and wallowed in misery ( but I would come down twice a day to eat and yell to the dog- just to let it out ).

I generally keep everything in check except for my hurts. I look at my thoughts, my behavior and my response to things.  But, when someone attacks me (confronts, backstabs or fights me), I automatically shut down and feel numb.  I come from a squishy home where my parents have always been very supportive and  protective. I work in lala land where office politics is unheard of.  So, when I come across mean people, I freeze.

I spoke to a senior sister about this.  She  asked, " What do you do when someone doesn't like you or fights with you?"  "I meditate", I replied. "You're not defending yourself!", she answered back.

I have been defenseless for years, so all the hurt, anger and pain were kept in the inner recesses of my heart.  One day, it came out and swallowed me whole.

I'm so angry at so many people, I don't want to see them.  So, I locked myself up.  In my room, I cried and  blamed everyone who hurt me. "Why are they so mean?", I ask.  "Why didn't someone point this out to me early on."  I did this blaming game day in and day out for seven days until I realize that I can't blame people for being who they are.  They are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, yes.  But, there's no way I can change them.  Even if I plead, "Can you please change because you're encroaching on my space?"  I doubt if they'll transform in an instant simply to accommodate me.  People have their own issues and their own personalities.  I have no control over that.  And, sadly, I don't live in a perfect world with angels and saints.  There will always be difficult people.  The only thing I can do is to toughen up and learn to master the art of standing up for myself.

In the end, I realized that I am to blame.  I hurt myself because I allowed others to hurt me.  Now, I have to power up!

                                                                  video from easy meditation