|Picture from http://www.taramcglinchey.com|
The Inner Scrutiny
I immediately went through my usual to do list: go to meditation class daily (check), enjoy work (check) and propel my other projects forward (check). Since things appeared to be going smoothly, how can there be any blockages? Otherwise, it should hamper my world. Still, I persisted on investigating the matter closely. I spent extra time in the early morning and before bedtime in silence to check the state of my heart. To my surprise, I found out that I am indeed carrying a baggage as heavy as a block of cement. I've been busy being responsible at home, keeping a happy disposition at work and being courageous with my new endeavors that I didn't realized that I'm not really ok.
Wearing many hats and thinking too much made me forget what I feel. I didn't realized that I am angry. Well, not at myself. As I mentioned earlier, my egotistical self thinks I'm superduper fine. I was angry at the other person in my life who by my standards is not making her life move. I am mad at her for not stepping up to her full potential. In my head, I'd like to jolt her out of her inertia and I was constantly screaming "Get out of it!".
I metamorphosed into an I-am-better-than-you zombie (see I was a zombie), judging her for not being like me, telling her what to do like a nagging mother (i thought that would help), and berating her for not doing her duties (cause I think that an effective house manager/older sister follows up and gives the necessary reinforcement).
A talk with my spiritual teacher helped me look at the situation more clearly. He said, "You were mad at her because you see her as your sister who's not facing her responsibilities but you failed to see that she is a struggling soul. She is weak at this point and your expectations and judgment just pushes her down even more."
I was ashamed for behaving so badly. I never thought I am still influenced by anger until this moment. My negative take of the situation made it worse than what it really is.
I had a long honest talk with myself. "This is not your true nature. You are as accepting and accommodating as an ocean. You are a loving soul. You have a big heart which can embrace the whole world. Go back to who you really are."
I had to go through a process of facing myself squarely, forgiving myself, and going back to my truth before I regained my light heart back.
It was not a walk in the park, it took me weeks to clear the blocks. I realized that any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are. It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out.
Thank you, little sister for helping me learn this lesson.