Not a bad batting average. Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok. The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".
Yes, I just reaffirmed myself. To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart. I really wanted to perfect it this time. But I didn't. At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me. I couldn't exactly recall what happened. I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered. I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.
A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner. Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished. I couldn't pinpoint why I do this. I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.
They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart. Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do. Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!". It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy. Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream. It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.
True, I don't know what's out there. How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me. But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!
What do you do when life throws you lemons?
They say make lemonade
I say, "Dodge!"
Duh?!
What if it's a lemon avalanche?
Wikihow says swim and try to stay near the surface
I say, "I'm clueless, I just hope I survive."
Huh....(deep sigh)
It happens
Storms strike at the most unholy hours
The whole of your world goes spinning
Aaaaargggh!!!!
I don't understand
No, I refuse to accept
Life can go haywire
Hmmmm....
Things don't go as planned
Setbacks happen
Or worse, things fall apart
Ooops!
Have you ever tasted the nearness of success with added spoonfuls of fear?
How about truckloads of expectations masquerading itself as tough love?
It's disgusting, let me tell you
Yuck!
People go crazy
Dreams elude even the most persistent
Happily ever after seems so far away
Well...
A recent weekend retreat made me revisit this long-lost, forgotten dream.
Flashback
Four years ago, on my first trip to the raja yoga's headquarters in India, despite all odds, I squeezed in an appointment with the administrative head to tell her that I want to surrender. In my head, this meant that when I get back home I will quit my job, leave my family, stay in the meditation center and teach yoga. Like a giddy first-timer, I awaited a favorable response. However, Dadi Janki, the 93 year old spiritual leader looked at me sternly and said, "Only when you are light and accurate".
Present
At the moment, if I resubmit my application, I think I will still be turned down. Yes, I am light but I'm not yet accurate. I've been wondering, "Why not simply rest on my easy nature?". After brooding on this, I realize that if I allow myself to be so carefree, I may just fall off the cliff as a result of my carelessness. Accuracy is the string which allows the kite of lightness to fly. Without the right discipline, the kite will fall to the ground or go wayward in the vast horizon. I now understand that a strength ceases to be a strength when it reaches its extreme. Like a highly organized person without concern or sensitivity for others may turn out to be arrogant and controlling. A sweet charismatic person without the ability to discern may end up being dependent on people or condoning even of wrong behavior. Therefore, the right dose of complimentary virtues is required to bring about the best version of me as a strength needs to be balanced by another virtue for it to fully realize its power. I do need to be light and accurate.
The Plan
Being a monk (that's how I prefer to call the volunteer raja yoga teachers who stay in the meditation centers) is still at the top of my bucket list. If I ace being accurate, I think I will get it. Now, as I finish the things I have to finish as I journey towards my goal, I will do this one thing- be on time (for every appointment, meeting, or class) !
"Please lock all the doors before you sleep.", I told her many times over before I retire for the night. At 3 o'clock in the morning, I woke up with all the doors open- screen door, front door and back door. Good thing, all our things were still intact and no stranger tried to barge in our house.
"I can get angry at her.", I told myself. This time my anger is justified! Awful things could have happened to us. Different scenarios played in my mind but my intellect (the rational part of me) said, "But, nothing happened. You have just cleared your heart? Do you want to be heavy again?" (Please see post on this if you don't follow)
"No, I don't want to carry any burden again", so I collected myself and decided to let it go. I spoke to her calmly about the matter when she woke up. Then, after breakfast, I thought of the most extraordinary thing- invite her for coffee.
My mind said, "Are you nuts? So, you are rewarding her for putting all of you in danger?!" My intellect refuted, "I'd like to love her inspite of." My better judgment won the battle.
When I brought her coffee, I muttered, "My peace offering. I'm sorry I could sometimes be harsh on you." She said, "Sometimes I need it, Ate (older sister). I can be very stubborn also." "Still, I'm sorry.", I replied.
For the first time in months, she started to share about her plans and dreams. I let her do the talking while I listened intently- reminding myself not to ask questions or give unsolicited advice. I was simply there for her- not passing any judgment whatsoever and wishing her well.
I felt I've cleared the air. I've finally cut the cobwebs which kept her from moving forward. You see, our negative feelings- anger, fear, resentment, worry or hurt not only clouds our thinking but it also entangles the object of these emotions. We often think that telling them of the problem is helpful. Well, it is but only when we come from a space of love. If we keep on blaming other people for our suffering thinking "you ought to change because you make me very uncomfortable", what we do is simply cramp the person more. Experience taught me that the best antidote for any conflict, relationship problem or even illness is love. Before calling in the counselor or the ambulance, I learned it's best to give them space to be who they choose to be, accept them for who they are, and love them inspite of.
I love you, little sister. I know you will be ok soon enough!
I will still care
but I will stop telling you how to live your life
I will still be here
but you shall not hear me ranting if you do your hiding-from-life drama
I will forever wish you well
but I will stop offering my two cents' worth
Instead, I shall give you
space
space
and more space
Because...
I understand that this is your choice
Because...
I accept you for who you are
Because...
your script is different from mine
And I shall give you
space
space
and more space
I'm letting you go
And I'm letting you be
Know that you deserve the best
And that I still believe in you
I guess, i finally learned to love
Thank you for teaching me.
"Why are you heavy?", asked my business mentor as we end our usual Monday meeting. "Huh?" , I cluelessly answered. "You have to check yourself.", she retorted. The Inner Scrutiny
I immediately went through my usual to do list: go to meditation class daily (check), enjoy work (check) and propel my other projects forward (check). Since things appeared to be going smoothly, how can there be any blockages? Otherwise, it should hamper my world. Still, I persisted on investigating the matter closely. I spent extra time in the early morning and before bedtime in silence to check the state of my heart. To my surprise, I found out that I am indeed carrying a baggage as heavy as a block of cement. I've been busy being responsible at home, keeping a happy disposition at work and being courageous with my new endeavors that I didn't realized that I'm not really ok.
Wearing many hats and thinking too much made me forget what I feel. I didn't realized that I am angry. Well, not at myself. As I mentioned earlier, my egotistical self thinks I'm superduper fine. I was angry at the other person in my life who by my standards is not making her life move. I am mad at her for not stepping up to her full potential. In my head, I'd like to jolt her out of her inertia and I was constantly screaming "Get out of it!".
I metamorphosed into an I-am-better-than-you zombie (see I was a zombie), judging her for not being like me, telling her what to do like a nagging mother (i thought that would help), and berating her for not doing her duties (cause I think that an effective house manager/older sister follows up and gives the necessary reinforcement).
The Talk
A talk with my spiritual teacher helped me look at the situation more clearly. He said, "You were mad at her because you see her as your sister who's not facing her responsibilities but you failed to see that she is a struggling soul. She is weak at this point and your expectations and judgment just pushes her down even more."
I was ashamed for behaving so badly. I never thought I am still influenced by anger until this moment. My negative take of the situation made it worse than what it really is.
I had a long honest talk with myself. "This is not your true nature. You are as accepting and accommodating as an ocean. You are a loving soul. You have a big heart which can embrace the whole world. Go back to who you really are."
The Gift
I had to go through a process of facing myself squarely, forgiving myself, and going back to my truth before I regained my light heart back.
It was not a walk in the park, it took me weeks to clear the blocks. I realized that any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are. It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out.
Thank you, little sister for helping me learn this lesson.
I’m sorry I’m not big enough to accommodate you. I just
can't accept that you choose to stay in the rut of the past for too long. I wish I can say “It’s ok” all the time.
I look into your eyes and I can’t find the sparkle.Where did you hide it?Where has my unstoppable partner in crime gone? You used to
simply jump over the hurdles.It pains
me to see you in a standstill.
I’ve told you many times over, “You’re the best among
us siblings”.I hope you realize this soon
enough.When did you stop believing you
can?Well, never mind.Just move forward and never ever remember “that” moment.Frankly, it is merely a speck now. You only made it so big in your head.
I understand that you are afraid.It’s ok, just don’t stay afraid
because it will eat you up to pieces.I
know because I’ve been there.It’s like
a humongous dragon but, if you look
closely enough, it’s all just smoke- a scary-looking mirage.You’re made of tougher stuff. You have the heart of a lion!
Move past the fear. I assure you, it will dissipate. Go on dear, simply take steps forward. You can do it! Just believe in yourself again.
I think I pretty much established that earlier (see The TV took me hostage). There was a time when I would turn my mind off and drown myself in information overload, throw gold coins of time wantonly and put my life on hold. Not anymore! Thank heavens I woke up, jumped out of slumber and moved forward.
Now that my eyes are open, I see zombies hovering all around the place. They say only a zombie can really identify it's kind. Let me classify it for you.
Gadget Zombie- This zombie keeps it's android phone, tablet, and other gadgets within reach at all times. It dies of boredom otherwise. It has to be constantly updated of other people's lives, news or the latest trends via facebook, instagram, twitter and other media. It feeds on wasting time on senseless games and videos, getting likes and gossiping.
Workaholic Zombie- This one fills itself with work, work, and more work. It needs to always prove itself and acquire more stuff so it can look bigger than what it seems. It is always running and moving around to avoid facing it's inner struggle.
I-Need-To-Be Beautiful Zombie. This is the most superficial zombie of them all. It looks good outside but is hollow inside, hence, the extreme focus on covering the vacuum with a pretty face or gorgeous body. It feeds on praise and approval of others.
I-Hate-The-World Zombie. This kind feeds on the past- misfortunes, failures, regrets. It always has a complain about something or someone. It is very difficult to please them or for them to be happy. It clamors for drama, drama, and more drama.
I-Am-Better-Than-You Zombie. This one has the biggest head. It is always right and will fight anyone who says it's not. It readily judges and gets impressed. It feeds on power- holding the key position, having the last say, being in control.
Eat-Drink-Be-Merry Zombie. This zombie indulges in pleasure. It wants to taste and experience everything. While out partying, it grunts, "I only live once!". This one stays alive only to satisfy the self.
I-Will-Only-Be-Happy-When Zombie. This zombie postpones its happiness for a later time. It believes that happiness is a lofty goal, "I will be happy when I find someone who loves me" or "I will be happy when I am successful". It feeds on what could have been, what ifs and persistent daydreaming. All cartoons are from http://plantsvszombies
One time over lunch, a colleague commented, "There's just so many zombie movies and tv series of late". I think it's telling of the time. We've been zombified! Our minds have been enslaved by so many different things- laziness and carelessness , greed for money or power, wrong sense of self, negativity and endless desires.
But fret not, there is an antidote- the herb of knowledge (or you may also want to know how to kill an addiction). We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become. Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power. There's really no need to scramble to look for it. The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us. We simpy have to remember who we really are.
I'm usually a sensible person. I'm in and out of facebook- making sure I'm not scrolling the newsfeed for more than 30 minutes on the few times I log in (and that's goes for other online social media- youtube, twitter, etc), I never play online games (or any video game for that matter), I've said my goodbye to the dvd player and videostreaming a long time ago but for some weird reason the tv just got me hooked (Please see The TV Took Me Hostage to know the full story). I couldn't quite put my finger on it. So, I did more soul searching to understand why I am doing what I'm doing (since I'm a self-development junkie, I just really need to know).
So, I looked back at my previous patterns. I saw that if there's something I couldn't handle- I sleep. If I came across a roadblock- I run away. If a bigger-than-life opportunity comes my way, I cringe.
After facing myself squarely, I realized that I allowed the TV to take hold of me because I couldn't quite pull myself together. I was not powerful enough to turn the remote off because I am afraid of facing the opportunities in front of me. I lacked the will and strength to change so I revert back to an old habit. Also, I wanted to reach the goal but I don't like to put in the work involved to get there. Like infamous Juan Tamad (Lazy Juan), I opted to sleep under the guava tree hoping that the fruit will miraculously fall straight to my mouth. I took the easy route- stall and escape!
The TV allowed me to go just that, lull my mind and go brain-dead for a few hours. It allowed me to simply dream of the fruit and prevented me from climbing the tree so I can get the guava right away. It brought everything to a halt just like sleeping.
In actuality, the culprit's not the TV afterall, it's my fear and laziness.
Yay, now I know the root cause! Since realization is the first step to change, now, I only need to gather the courage to do the right thing -again and again until I form the habit of just moving forward towards the goal, not minding the hurdles.
It's been awhile since I last wrote here. There were just so many other things. And the very little time that I was free, I've been kidnapped- by none other than the boob tube! It's actually in front of me right now and I'm resisting the urge to break it into pieces.
While I'm still thinking if I should opt to do that, let me tell you our story. It started off like an unexpected romance. After a long busy week, while sitting down on the couch, I took a glance at it and thought, "I've never really liked you but let's give it a try". And that's the end of me. I was glued for hours and hours- just clicking channels, tuning in to catch-up weekends, and running the series' marathons. I was so enchanted by it that I would delay going to the restroom, the kitchen and even the oh-so-precious-bedroom (losing a lot of my oh-so-valuable-sleep). So, I almost gave myself UTI, starved to near death and divorced my beloved bed (at least once a week).
It was a once-in-seven-days affair. For some weird reason, I would only let myself slide when I know I don't have work the next day. Thank heavens, some threads of sanity kept me from going berserk all the way! It was good while it lasted though. The TV swept me to worlds I could only imagine. Sometimes, I'm a New Yorker trying to make a name for myself, or a hot shot lawyer, or an artist in search for stardom. It allowed me to escape my (sometimes) mundane existence. It comforted me to no end. It was just always there- making me laugh, letting me dream, taking me to exciting places.
But, in the end I had to let it go. It was not what I thought it was. It was sucking the life of me. It wouldn't allow me to go out and meet my friends, do what I love like write on this blog or cook, and go about my usual sensible routine. Slowly, I realized that the time I spent in front of it makes me less and less myself. I allowed it to occupy my time so my projects, writings, sports, advocacies, relationships were all on a standstill. In a sense, my life was on a halt.
It would only happen once a week but I feel I've waste so much. Prior to this incident, I couldn't really understand why they say time is gold. Now, I do. It's the currency I pay in life. If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections, and learnings. But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future. By allowing myself to be hypnotized by the seductive television, I spill the coins down in the gutter- never to be retrieved.
Now, you understand why I detest it so much. But, I will not obliterate it. Just now, I decided to take the higher road, I will let it live but I shall take my life back! I hold the remote.
