Feeling guilty doesn't work

image from www.usc.edu

Madhuban is like a hall of mirrors.  The atmosphere and the tapasya (intense meditation) allow one to look at the self squarely.

Often, I get a glimpse of my true inner beauty whilst in yoga. Sometimes, the beast inside me comes out as well.

My waterloo has always been accuracy.  I usually come to the bhattis (group meditation) and classes 5-10 minutes late.

So, in the two weeks that I was in the academy, I disciplined myself to be punctual.  I was able keep my goal 80% of the time despite my persistent cough & colds and the entertaining scenarios which suddenly pops up.

I was very happy with my effort, when on the way my back home I made a grave mistake.  I thought that our plane leaves at 4.30 in the afternoon, instead of 4.30 in the morning.

It was good that one of my travel companions couldn't understand the itinerary and checked out the flight details again.  I only realized my mistake when she showed me the ticket.

I expresssed my apologies to my two companions and immediately fixed our departure time with the  local guide who will bring us to the airport the next day.        

"I clarified with you if it's am or pm earlier!", he jokingly grunted while pretending to knock on my forehead with his fist.  "You were right. I'm sorry", I sheepishly answered.

When I went back to our room, my two travel buddies kept on teasing me about the mistake. I couldn't blame them. One of them was still trying to book a day tour for the next day while the other one hadn't packed her suitcase yet. "What would happen if the itinerary wasn't checked?," they asked.  "We couldn't just charge this one to experience.  We will have to charge the tickets to your bank account if ever.", they rattled on.

It became an inside joke amongst the three of us.  It would come up unexpectedly in the 28 hour journey back to Manila.

I only allowed myself to feel guilty for only one second though.  Sr. Denise Lawrence, one of the senior teachers, mentioned in her class that feeling guilty never works.  It only keeps you stuck in the situation.  "Just feel guilty for a second, that's enough time to teach you not to make the mistake again and then move forward."

That's exactly what I did and I was able to keep my happiness.

I want to be a monk

A recent weekend retreat made me revisit this long-lost, forgotten dream.

Flashback
Four years ago, on my first trip to the raja yoga's headquarters in India, despite all odds, I squeezed in an appointment with the administrative head to tell her that I want to surrender.  In my head, this meant that when I get back home I will quit my job, leave my family, stay in the meditation center and teach yoga. Like a giddy first-timer, I awaited a favorable response.  However, Dadi Janki, the 93 year old spiritual leader looked at me sternly and said, "Only when you are light and accurate".

Present
At the moment, if I resubmit my application, I think I will still be turned down.  Yes, I am light but I'm not yet accurate.  I've been wondering,  "Why not simply rest on my easy nature?".  After brooding on this, I realize that if I allow myself to be so carefree, I may just fall off the cliff as a result of my carelessness.  Accuracy is the string which allows the kite of lightness to fly.  Without the right discipline, the kite will fall to the ground or go wayward in the vast horizon.  I now understand that a strength ceases to be a strength when it reaches its extreme.  Like a highly organized person without concern or sensitivity for others may turn out to be arrogant and controlling.  A sweet charismatic person without the ability to discern may end up being dependent on people or condoning even of wrong behavior.  Therefore, the right dose of complimentary virtues is required to bring about the best version of me as a strength needs to be balanced by another virtue for it to fully realize its power.  I do need to be light and accurate.

The Plan
Being a monk (that's how I prefer to call the volunteer raja yoga teachers who stay in the meditation centers) is still at the top of my bucket list.  If I ace being accurate, I think I will get it.  Now, as I finish the things I have to finish as I journey towards my goal, I will do this one thing- be on time (for every appointment, meeting, or class) !