You are enough

image from https://pixabay.com

"525,600 minutes

How do you measure a year?

Measure in love"

Says a song

I cannot agree more

This year, I choose love

Love not for another

But love for myself

I thought I have aced it

I’ve stopped being too hard on me

I affirm myself every chance I get

I celebrate my victories- no matter how small

But, then this critical voice 

Inside my head

Resurfaces every now and then

“You’re not good enough”, it whispers

I try my darndest

To prove it wrong 

I push myself to make things happen

Even the seemingly impossible

There are moments though

When I listen to the voice

And stop midway- not finishing a project

Or stall until forever

Either way, it’s wins

I forget to be gentle to myself

Or  I prove that I’m a failure

And all the more it gets stronger

Today, I’ve unmasked the beast

I’ve spotted you

Monster of not loving myself enough

And I intend to starve you until you let me be

I will be determined yet gentle

I will work diligently 

To see projects come to life

But will not forget to nurture the self

I will only take on what I can

And pursue only that which is meaningful for me

I will take pauses

And create spaces for my growth

I will hold on to a new belief

I am shakti, I am power

I am pyaar, I am love

Until I can tell myself- “You are enough!”

video from Release Your Wings

  

Feeling guilty doesn't work

image from www.usc.edu

Madhuban is like a hall of mirrors.  The atmosphere and the tapasya (intense meditation) allow one to look at the self squarely.

Often, I get a glimpse of my true inner beauty whilst in yoga. Sometimes, the beast inside me comes out as well.

My waterloo has always been accuracy.  I usually come to the bhattis (group meditation) and classes 5-10 minutes late.

So, in the two weeks that I was in the academy, I disciplined myself to be punctual.  I was able keep my goal 80% of the time despite my persistent cough & colds and the entertaining scenarios which suddenly pops up.

I was very happy with my effort, when on the way my back home I made a grave mistake.  I thought that our plane leaves at 4.30 in the afternoon, instead of 4.30 in the morning.

It was good that one of my travel companions couldn't understand the itinerary and checked out the flight details again.  I only realized my mistake when she showed me the ticket.

I expresssed my apologies to my two companions and immediately fixed our departure time with the  local guide who will bring us to the airport the next day.        

"I clarified with you if it's am or pm earlier!", he jokingly grunted while pretending to knock on my forehead with his fist.  "You were right. I'm sorry", I sheepishly answered.

When I went back to our room, my two travel buddies kept on teasing me about the mistake. I couldn't blame them. One of them was still trying to book a day tour for the next day while the other one hadn't packed her suitcase yet. "What would happen if the itinerary wasn't checked?," they asked.  "We couldn't just charge this one to experience.  We will have to charge the tickets to your bank account if ever.", they rattled on.

It became an inside joke amongst the three of us.  It would come up unexpectedly in the 28 hour journey back to Manila.

I only allowed myself to feel guilty for only one second though.  Sr. Denise Lawrence, one of the senior teachers, mentioned in her class that feeling guilty never works.  It only keeps you stuck in the situation.  "Just feel guilty for a second, that's enough time to teach you not to make the mistake again and then move forward."

That's exactly what I did and I was able to keep my happiness.