I was a zombie

I think I pretty much established that earlier (see The TV took me hostage).  There was a time when I would turn my mind off and drown myself in information overload, throw gold coins of time wantonly and put my life on hold.  Not anymore!  Thank heavens I woke up, jumped out of slumber and moved forward.

Now that my eyes are open, I see zombies hovering all around the place.  They say only a zombie can really identify it's kind.  Let me classify it for you.

Gadget Zombie-  This zombie keeps it's android phone, tablet, and other gadgets within reach at all times.  It dies of boredom otherwise.  It has to be constantly updated of other people's lives, news or the latest trends via facebook, instagram, twitter and other media. It feeds on wasting time on senseless games and videos, getting likes and gossiping.

Workaholic Zombie-  This one fills itself with work, work, and more work.  It needs to always prove itself and acquire more stuff so it can look bigger than what it seems.  It is always running and moving around to avoid facing it's inner struggle.

I-Need-To-Be Beautiful Zombie.  This is the most superficial zombie of them all.  It looks good outside but is hollow inside, hence, the extreme focus on covering the vacuum with a pretty face or gorgeous body.  It feeds on praise and approval of others.

I-Hate-The-World Zombie.  This kind feeds on the past- misfortunes, failures, regrets. It always has a complain about something or someone.  It is very difficult to please them or for them to be happy.  It clamors for drama, drama, and more drama.

I-Am-Better-Than-You Zombie.  This one has the biggest head.  It is always right and will fight anyone who says it's not.  It readily judges and gets impressed.  It feeds on power- holding the key position, having the last say, being in control.     

Eat-Drink-Be-Merry Zombie.  This zombie indulges in pleasure.  It wants to taste and experience everything.  While out partying, it grunts, "I only live once!".  This one stays alive only to satisfy the self.    

I-Will-Only-Be-Happy-When Zombie.  This zombie postpones its happiness for a later time.  It believes that happiness is a lofty goal,  "I will be happy when I find someone who loves me" or "I will be happy when I am successful".  It feeds on what could have been, what ifs and persistent daydreaming.  

All cartoons are from http://plantsvszombies

One time over lunch, a colleague commented, "There's just so many zombie movies and tv series of late".  I think it's telling of the time.  We've been zombified!  Our minds have been enslaved by so many different things- laziness and carelessness , greed for money or power, wrong sense of self, negativity and endless desires.

But fret not, there is an antidote- the herb of knowledge (or you may also want to know how to kill an addiction).  We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become.  Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power.  There's really no need to scramble to look for it.  The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us.  We simpy have to remember who we really are.  

from EasyMeditation

How to Kill an Addiction

Cartoon from http://lastlemon.com/harolds-planet

I'm usually a sensible person.  I'm in and out of facebook- making sure I'm not scrolling the newsfeed for more than 30 minutes on the few times I log in (and that's goes for other online social media- youtube, twitter, etc), I never play online games (or any video game for that matter), I've said my goodbye to the dvd player and videostreaming a long time ago but for some weird reason the tv just got me hooked (Please see The TV Took Me Hostage to know the full story).  I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  So, I did more soul searching to understand why I am doing what I'm doing (since I'm a self-development junkie, I just really need to know).

So, I looked back at my previous patterns.  I saw that if there's something I couldn't handle- I sleep.  If I came across a roadblock- I run away.  If  a bigger-than-life opportunity comes my way, I cringe.  

After facing myself squarely, I realized that I allowed the TV to take hold of me because I couldn't quite pull myself together.  I was not powerful enough to turn the remote off because I am afraid of facing the opportunities in front of me.  I lacked the will and strength to change so I revert back to an old habit.  Also, I wanted to reach the goal but I don't like to put in the work involved to get there.  Like infamous Juan Tamad (Lazy Juan), I opted to sleep under the guava tree hoping that the fruit will miraculously fall straight to my mouth.  I took the easy route- stall and escape!

The TV allowed me to go just that,  lull my mind and go brain-dead for a few hours.  It allowed me to simply dream of the fruit and prevented me from climbing the tree so I can get the guava right away.  It brought everything to a halt just like sleeping.

In actuality, the culprit's not the TV afterall, it's my fear and laziness. 

Yay, now I know the root cause!  Since realization is the first step to change, now, I only need to gather the courage to do the right thing -again and again until I form the habit of just moving forward towards the goal, not minding the hurdles.

Cartoon from http://lastlemon.com/mahoney-joe

  

The TV Took Me Hostage

Cartoon from http://vecto.rs

It's been awhile since I last wrote here.  There were just so many other things. And the very little time that I was free, I've been kidnapped- by none other than the boob tube!  It's actually in front of me right now and I'm resisting the urge to break it into pieces.

While I'm still thinking if I should opt to do that, let me tell you our story.  It started off like an unexpected romance.  After a long busy week, while sitting down on the couch, I took a glance at it and thought,   "I've never really liked you but let's give it a try".  And that's the end of me.  I was glued for hours and hours- just clicking channels, tuning in to catch-up weekends, and running the series' marathons.  I was so enchanted by it that I would delay going to the restroom, the kitchen and even  the oh-so-precious-bedroom (losing a lot of my oh-so-valuable-sleep).  So, I almost gave myself UTI, starved to near death and divorced my beloved bed (at least once a week).

It was a once-in-seven-days affair.  For some weird reason, I would only let myself slide when I know I don't have work the next day.  Thank heavens, some threads of sanity kept me from going berserk all the way!  It was good while it lasted though.  The TV swept me to worlds I could only imagine.  Sometimes, I'm a New Yorker trying to make a name for myself, or a hot shot lawyer, or an artist in search for stardom.  It allowed me to escape my (sometimes) mundane existence.  It comforted me to no end.  It was just always there- making me laugh, letting me dream, taking me to exciting places.

But, in the end I had to let it go.  It was not what I thought it was.  It was sucking the life of me.  It wouldn't allow me to go out and meet my friends, do what I love like write on this blog or cook, and go about my usual sensible routine.  Slowly, I realized that the time I spent in front of it makes me less and less myself.  I allowed it to occupy my time so my projects, writings, sports, advocacies, relationships were all on a standstill.  In a sense, my life was on a halt.

It would only happen once a week but I feel I've waste so much.  Prior to this incident, I couldn't really understand why they say time is gold.  Now, I do.  It's the currency I pay in life.  If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections, and learnings.  But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future.  By allowing myself to be hypnotized by the seductive television, I spill the coins down in the gutter- never to be retrieved.

Now, you understand why I detest it so much.  But, I will not obliterate it.  Just now, I decided to take the higher road, I will let it live but I shall take my life back!  I hold the remote.            


This photo is from http://pages.shanti.virginia.edu

                 

       

Why I Go to India

My family and friends often ask me why I go to India every year. “I meditate”, is my usual short reply.  I know they think I only sit down the whole day.  That is hardly the case.  Let me show you…

**Welcome to Gyansarovar!  This is the second largest of the 3 campuses of Brahma Kumaris in Rajasthan, India.  It is a modern facility complete with huge halls for classes, dining areas, computer shops, telephone booths, art galleries, and dormitories.  The university is powered by solar energy.

In Madhuban (how we fondly call the university), most of the students start their 

day at 4am.  Personally, I feel that the best time to meditate is at dawn 
before the world wakes up.

Then, I go for chai or walk.  Here, I came across 2 Rajasthani women one early morning. 

At 7am, I attend class. This is Dadi Janki, the 97-year old administrative head of Brahma Kumaris 

sharing with us.

**In Madhuban, my focus is the study and meditation.  I can do that because there everything’s prepared for us: meals, snacks, laundry, and room cleaning. They even arrange the tours.  We have 2-3 classes daily but one may come and go as he pleases.  Attendance is not taken.
 

**In the afternoon, all departments close down for siesta.  We usually rest or go around until 5.30pm.  The picture above was taken in the museum at Peace Park.

**By the way, we also play.

**And sit down for chit-chat.

Before the day ends, we have dusk meditation.  Here, our group climbed Baba’s Rock for
a view of the sunset and a beautiful yoga experience.

**Often, my friends ask if yogis levitate.  No, we don't but because the mind is taught to think of the right things, one feels very light yet stable.  Nothing esoteric really.

And you might be wondering why everyone's in white.  Well, since, we're in a university, students are required to wear a uniform but guests may come in any attire.  

I think I still haven't answered the question.  Let me put it this way, going to India is my "me-time".  It allows me to look within, look up, and only then will I look out.  It's a beautiful experience.  I hope you get to try it as well.


**Photos courtesy of Agnes Roque

           

The Forest of Honey is My Home

My roommates.  From L to R Nadhi from Sri Lanka, Ashoka from Italy, Daniella from Italy, Anais from France,
Agnes from Philippines and Dola Po from Nigeria

Mount Abu, Rajasthan India-  There were seven of us in the dormitory from five different countries- Italy, France, Nigeria, Sri Lanka and Philippines.  For three days, we’ve been billeted in one dormitory room yet we still don’t know each other’s name, more so speak more than one sentence at a time to each other.  When we all came to the Brahma Kumaris' spiritual university in Mount Abu, more fondly called as Madhuban (meaning The Forest of Honey), a silence retreat was going on.  In adherence to the set guidelines, we would only greet each other by nodding our heads, we’d whisper if there’s really something important to be said, ate in silence, and went about the routine in the campus quietly.  

Come fourth day, the silence ban was lifted as we prepare for the huge gathering of meditation students from India and foreigners from different parts of the globe.  I thought the quiet and peaceful atmosphere in the room will remain.  I’ve grown accustomed to it and I enjoyed the serenity.  I was wrong.  Agnes, our roommate from the Philippines instigated a pageant of nations.  She started calling off the countries, asked us to parade in the small aisle in between the 2 rows of bed, and prompted each one to come up with signature wave.  “Miss France!”, she bellowed.  “Miss Nigeria show us your wave!", she hollered.  Everyone willingly complied.  The silence of the last three days was replaced with gobs of laughter and a loving camaraderie.

Why We Came

Our very enthusiastic host then went on to each one’s bed and did her one-on-one interview.   That’s the only time we knew that Miss France’s name is Anais, Miss Italy is Daniella, Miss Sri Lanka is Nadhi, Miss Nigeria is Dola Po, and Miss Italy/Sri Lanka is Ashoka. 

Frankly, in Madhuban (how we fondly call the university in Rajasthan) a lot of things don’t matter- name, age, country, or position.  Often, we are unaware what day it is.  Also, we rarely talk about our work.   We all came to the headquarters to bathe in study and yoga.  Going to India is a treat and a retreat for all of us.   It is the time to focus on our spiritual growth. 

Ashoka, a retiree from Milano, Italy said, “I came here to find God.” Dola Po, a young professional from Nigeria on the other hand related, “I am very happy here.  I’m filled to the brim and I’m ready to give when I come home.”  Anais, from Paris,France aptly said, “I feel at home here.”

 

As soon as one enters the gate of the university, a waft of peace can be felt.  I usually feel instantly refreshed even after more than 24 hours of travel- as though I've come to the ocean shore.  This may be attributed to the vibration of tapasya (intense meditation) and atmosphere of love in Madhuban.  The residents in the campus have lovingly filled the place with powerful yoga even as they go about their daily tasks.  Meditation students all over the world flock here to go into the depths of the knowledge and silence.  The senior brothers and sisters who have been practicing raja yoga for 25 years (or more) guide the younger students through classes and meditation experiments.  More than a university, here on the mountain top of Abu, we are a family helping each other progress in our respective lives and spirituality.

Anais helps me tie the sari while Dola Po looks on

Song of Happiness

It is the farthest thing from boring because a yogi life is a life of balance.  We are taught to take care of our inner state, so we can remain stable in the face of any circumstance.  We practice silence to be able to connect to our true selves, the one filled with the virtues of love, peace, purity, power, and bliss. Then, we bring these in our interaction with others. 

We love solitude but we can just as easily move from stillness to celebration.   After the huge gathering, Dola Po (Miss Nigeria) came out of the hall waving and greeting everyone she met like a crowned princess.  A huge crowd of locals gathered around her mesmerized by her charm (and hair weave).  We had to usher her  out as she was creating traffic (around 24,000 people were trying to get out of the hall).  When we got back to the room, by unanimous vote, we declared her the winner of our mini pageant. Instead of the ceremonial walk, she sang “I have the strangest feeling that I’ve been here before…Something tells me I have come home…it tells me I belong.”  We gave her a huge round of applause not only for the beautiful rendition but also because she sums up the whole Madhuban experience of us all.  

Miss Nigeria, Dola Po waving to the crowd

* All photos courtesy of Agnes Roque

Of Cereals and Generosity

Photo from http://www.pinoygigs.com

I went for afternoon chai- my third for the day.  Just as there’s an atmosphere of unlimited peace in Madhuban, there’s unlimited chai.   I went late so I can be alone, eat in silence and also (hush tone) so I don’t have to share the cereals I brought from the Philippines. 

You see, though the university’s modern and fully equipped, it still rests on top of the mountain where there’s no huge groceries or department stores. There’s a small store inside the campus, and a village market nearby but I’m still in rural India.  There’s really no way for me to get my favorite boxed cereal so I scrimped on it and share little.       

The Test

As I was sipping my chai and munching my oh-so-precious cereal, an Indian lady sat opposite me.  Her badge shows me that she’s just visiting the campus for the day.  (Most of the students billeted in Gyansarovar are foreigners.)  I smiled to greet her but then I quickly bowed down and focused on my snack.  I didn’t want to talk or share, remember?  She spoke in Hindi, and pointed to what I am eating.  I looked up to acknowledge her but pretended not understand what she meant.  We ate in silence for a minute.  She must not like the popped rice she was given (meals & snacks are served in the university), that she again inquired where I got my snack. I dismissed her for the second time, moving my head to and fro while giving her a quizzical look as if I don’t know what she wanted.  She stopped asking but she never stopped staring at my food.

The Talking Conscience

I tried to ignore her but a voice inside says, “You’re practicing meditation so you can get in touch with your real self and your values.  Yet here you are refusing to be generous.”  I ranted like a brat, “But there’s nowhere I can get another box here!”  “True, but this is your chance to practice what you’ve been studying.”, the voice replied.  “I don’t want to give with a heavy heart”, I blurted back.  The voice was persistent, “Then don’t. Give willingly.  You see, there’s really no point studying about spirituality and meditation if you don’t live by it.”  I was stumped.

 

The little voice inside my head is right.  What’s the point of all the study and silence, if it doesn’t show in my dharna (practice).  The Indian lady in front of me is not the most charming of people. To be honest, I’m a little annoyed by her assertiveness.  She’s a stranger and I feel that I don’t have any obligation to her.  But I have a responsibility to be true to who I am.  I really am a generous spirit.  Holding on to my cereals disprove that.  I am a peaceful soul and my not liking her says otherwise.  I am loving and being apathetic to another kindred spirit shows that I am not.

After being jolted, I opened my bag, removed the cereal box and filled-up her small bowl.  She received it and ate away.  There was no thank you or even a smile.  It’s ok, I learned my lesson.  Thank you, Indian lady!    

Photo from http://inerg.blogspot.com

I’ve Conquered the Green-Eyed Monster

Photo from http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com

They say that Madhuban (how we fondly call the university for raja yoga students in Mount Abu, India) is like a hall of mirrors.  I cannot agree more.  I think that the atmosphere supports one’s deep desire for introspection.  Also, being away from everything else allows an individual to focus solely on the self.  The thing with a mirror is, it never lies.  It shows both the beauty and ugliness of the viewer. 

The Beast

Two years ago, when I came for my retreat, this attention-seeking and jealous behavior suddenly showed up.  I would envy the students whom the dadis (senior sisters) know really well.  I would feel a tinge of jealousy when they are called up front or mentioned in the classes and sometimes “poor little me” feelings popped up.

It’s like a coin-sized mark in the lower portion of a crisp white shirt which had gone unnoticed for the longest time.  I do not like it one bit and the only reasonable next step is to erase it.  Meditation allows me to do just that.  But like a hard stain, it doesn’t fade very easily.  So, I have to soak the shirt in beautiful thoughts, rinse it with pure wishes and make sure that I stay under the Source of all good things.

Slaying the Green-eyed Monster

This year my test came.  I was in Madhuban with a very friendly, humorous and cheerful buddy.  She was a stark opposite to my pensive and quiet nature.  While I preferred to eat alone, she would gather everyone together, engage them in chit-chats and direct group pictures.  Whilst I would ask questions and listen during conversations, she, on the other hand, would cracks jokes and entertain everyone with her funny antics.  While I enjoyed sitting down with my thoughts, she would run around helping everyone- guiding the new students around, cooking delicious non-Indian food (it’s really nice to eat something else every once in a while) and taking videos and pictures for others.  Almost everyone knew her and praises her to no-end.  

I was checking how I’m feeling amidst all these and I’m surprised that it didn’t bother me one bit.  I wasn’t looking for anyone’s approval or seeking praises.  I was perfectly fine with her taking the spotlight.  I finally understood that I am who I am and she is who she is.  

Everyone in the world has a different role to play and each of our parts is equally important.  We need go-getters as well as think tanks, relationship people as well as intuitive ones, organizers and those who implement.  No one’s role is any less than the other.  There’s really no need to get jealous.

“All the world’s a stage, All the men and women merely players."   -William Shakespeare
 Photo from http://www.thehindu.com  

Meet My Surrogate Mother in India

Dadi Janki, the 97 year old administrative head of Brahma Kumaris
Photo from http://www.lokvani.com

She entered the hall like a child- eyes sparkling, hands clasped, and voice excitedly greeting all the 200 students of raja yoga from various parts of the world.  Dadi Janki, the 97 years old administrative head of the Brahma Kumaris left the gathering of 24,000 meditators from India at Shantivan, the largest complex by the foot of Mount Abu, Rajasthan, India to meet the a few hundred yogis at Pandav Bhawan, the first and smallest of the three campuses in Rajasthan which rests on top of the mountain.  Such is this leader of one of the world’s largest volunteer organization, she personally sees to it that each one is taken cared of.

In Hindi dadi means senior sister, but she was more of a mother to meditation students in 130 countries.  The evening she met with us, she told us of stories of the early days of the yagya (gathering).  Before bidding us good night, she handed each one of us ice cream with special mango slices (she specifically asked the kitchen to reserve it for the foreign students).  The next day, she sneaked in time in her busy schedule to meet the group again before heading back to the huge gathering in Shantivan.  This time she brought another gift- a book she authored. 

Words for the World

In her newly released book, Words for the World, Dadi Janki provokes the reader.  She asks, are you the soul who “who plods through life, carrying a burden, as if forced?  Or are you free?”.  She also states that the devil is inside of us.  Contrary to the belief that the devil lurks out there, she says that it is “linked to our faulty personality traits”.

Moreover, she demystifies the absurdities in the world.  She reasons that depression persists because “we no longer have enough material to keep our thoughts good”.  She explains that insecurity thrives because of too much dependence, pointing out that “so much power of the soul/self has been lost that people are hardly able to enjoy being alone”.  She underlines that the falsehood, loneliness, emptiness, and violence in the society is a result of deviating from our inner truth.

Then, she presents the solution- “charge the mind”.  She prescribes “developing one’s inner stability” through meditation.  She encourages the reader to remember the Supreme Father and through this receive the power to “put a brake on thoughts” which are wandering here and there.  She invites everyone to go into silence to be cognizant of the mechanism of our mind and observe the trappings of negative and unnecessary thoughts.  Silence then allows one to move away from the wrong way of thinking because it is in contemplation that we discover our inner treasures.

 

Beyond Words 

Dadi Janki does not sit down and write.  This publication like most of her previous works is a compilation of the classes she gives around the world.  She does not want to be called a speaker though, she says she merely shares what she has experienced in her spiritual practice.  

I stand in awe of this 97 year old jet-setting yogi.  She speaks with such child-like animation and enthusiam and yet commands an international volunteer organization with mastery and precision.   As I eat my ice cream, I watch her give instructions to the senior teachers and inquire about the whereabouts of things to be accomplished as they take their turn to get their toli (sweet).  At such a senior age, she is tireless.  She met us for chit-chat at 9pm after a full day, met the senior teachers afterwards until near midnight.  The next day she was at the hall at 4am conducting meditation, giving class after breakfast, then traveling back to the campus by the foot of the mountain (by car but it's not an easy 1-hour ride given the zigzag road) to conduct more classes to the local students.  

Indeed as described in her book, Dadi Janki provides a working leadership model for all those seeking to integrate both male and female qualities into their personal and professional lives.

'Never lose your happiness'

Happy yogis BK Agnes and BK Roshni in front of Om Shanti Bhawan, Mount Abu, Rajasthan, India

“Write it on your forehead I will stay happy and distribute happiness to others.”

“Bolo”, (repeat) the Teacher said in Hindi.  The crowd of 24,000 chanted in unison “I will stay happy and distribute happiness to others”.

I’m  OK

I’ve been to India for four times to participate in a huge gathering of raja yoga meditation students from all over the globe but this is the happiest meeting I’ve had.  I am not dancing or singing or shouting for joy.  Nor am I laughing out loud or shedding tears of happiness.  There’s simply an inner stability and contentment inside.  The mind is clear and my heart is calm.  I am ok and so is everything else around me.  The stillness is like that of the depths of the ocean.  There are no stirrings of worry or pain, no ripples of expectations, and no waves of sorrow.  I am at peace with myself, nothing is bothering me at all- not the distinct smell of Indian spice floating in the air, or my upset stomach, or even the small space I’m cramped in.  Nothing matters at all because I feel so good inside.

Hold on to your happiness

The Teacher explains, “No matter what situations arise, it should not take away your happiness”. Happiness is my inherent treasure.  I don’t have to search for it, buy it, or even earn it.  All I have to do is keep my happiness.  Often, when a challenge comes I allow it to pull me down.  I let it disturb my calm mind with questions and thoughts of worry.  It shakes my peaceful disposition with feelings of fear, pain, hurt and insecurity.  Then, I lose my happiness because at a time my heart can only hold one thing- either love or fear, joy or pain, healing or hurt, stability or insecurity.  It’s impossible to maintain a positive disposition if there’s a tiny bit of ill feeling. 

“Make the situation small, do not make it big”, He admonishes.  I have the power to mold anything on the basis of my perception of it.  If I complain, resist or judge a circumstance, I make it into a monster which comes back to me and haunts me.  If I accept it and move forward, then I overcome it like a bird flying over a mountain.   

Nothing’s wrong

Being on the path of self-development for more than 3 years has taught me that “whatever is happening is good, whatever has happened is good, what is to happen will be good”.  Therefore, nothing is wrong.  Situations come to test me.  If I pass it, it bestows me gifts- patience, humility, maturity, trust.  Then, I move forward in this game of life stronger.  On the other hand, if I don’t pass the test, I will have to take it again and again until I get the lesson.  It’s like a computer game, I can never progress to a higher level until I finish the lower stage.

He makes it simpler, whatever it is you are going through “just be courageous and you will receive help”.  He adds, “Have constant good wishes and pure feelings for everyone”.  It is very easy to justify why a situation is wrong, look at my weakness, or someone else’s mistakes.  He advises us to see only the beauty in everyone and everything.  I feel that when I am confused, hurt, or angry I’m sending out sharp arrows around me which only hurts others and makes the atmosphere heavy.  But when I trust, accept, move forward, and remain happy I give others space and I send out roses in the air whose fragrance uplifts everyone and any situation.

“Make a firm promise, you will remain happy and share happiness.  There is no nourishment like happiness.  There is so much wonder in happiness”.  He continued, “If you like it, raise your hands”.  I raised three- my two hands and the hand of my heart.

Photo by Agnes Roque

My Beloved

I asked a manly man of 40 years, “Do you know God?”

Instantly, his eyes sparkled and a childish smile 
appeared on his aged face

He did not reply to my query but his face betrayed him

In that moment, he was like a bride reminded of the bridegroom

I knew then, that he knew Him

I knew then, that he had experienced His love

I was jealous

Though I felt I’ve met Him in my solitude

I do not have the same twinkle in my eyes

My heart doesn’t leap nor bounce for joy

I asked then, How much do I know Him?

I asked, How eager am I to know Him more?

At dawn, I awaken with the thought

I want you to be my Beloved and I your Bride

I sat patiently, waiting for an overwhelming feeling

A surge of love from my groom

I wanted to be swept off my feet

I wanted the romance and the fireworks

It did not come

I reminded myself again, “Today, you are my Beloved”

A reply came, “I have loved you ever since”

But the exhilaration I was expecting was not there

Instead, all my questions disappeared

In its place was a certain knowing that I am loved

Days passed

I was still waiting for the grand gesture

None came

Instead, I felt a constancy that He is there 
and He will never leave me

I was  waiting for the fireworks

Nothing of that sort occurred

In its place was deep stillness and security

More days had gone by

I had forgotten my expectations and demands

I sat and whispered, “Can you be my Beloved?”

Then, it happened

A song played, ”Let me love you

I will be here until you learn to love yourself”

Then, I felt it

Like a huge wave washing over me

A deep, overwhelming feeling of being loved

I felt He’s been there all along

I just couldn’t understand Him

Because I did not love myself enough to be loved

Then, I knew

I have to let the love in

First by holding myself in such a high esteem

Give it all the fireworks and grand gestures

Play the violin and shower the rose petals

Then, I can let God in my heart

Photo from http://brahmaribhagwan.blogspot.com