Kung hei fat choi! Since today is the start of the year for the Chinese, my year in review is just in time (though i'm not Chinese & it's technically the end of the first month).
I'm just glad that I met my self-imposed deadline. (To be honest, I have been trying to finish it since Jan.1) You see, I refuse to let facebook choose the highlights of my year.So, on the first month of the new year, I have decided to go back memory lane, revisit some of my previous blog entries for 2013 & extract its essence. I remember what my college professor said many years back,"History is important because it allows you to look at the past and learn from it".
Here are my top 10 learnings from the year that was:
1. I'm still in the process of becoming a diamond hence the pressure and the mess. I wish I can be spared the pain but it is crucial that I go through this so I can be the jewel that I truly am. (from Let the past be the past)
2. Old habits stay because it's comfortable. On the other hand, sticking to new habits is painful- initially. But when I understand it for what it really is, then changing can be a breeze. (from On going berserk)
3. I say, "No more!" to ruminating about the past or the future. These ifs, what could haves, buts, and whys shall touch me no more....I shall hold my precious precious time like the gold present it is. (from The garbage truck has been stalking me)
4. Whenever I complain about something or someone. It's never about them. In reality, there's something lacking inside me. Complaining is the red flag that tells me I am unhappy. (from Thinking positively works)
5. “Make a firm promise, you will remain happy and share happiness. There is no nourishment like happiness. There is so much wonder in happiness”. (from Stay happy no matter what)
6. Time is the currency I pay in life. If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections and learnings. But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future. (from The tv took me hostage)
7. Realization is the first step to change. Then, I only need to gather the courage to do the right thing -again and again until I form the habit of just moving forward towards the goal, not minding the hurdles. (from How to kill addiction)
8. We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become. Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power. There's really no need to scramble to look for it. The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us. We simpy have to remember who we really are. ( from I was a zombie )
9. Fear is like a humongous dragon but, if you look closely enough, it’s all just smoke- a scary-looking mirage. You’re made of tougher stuff. You have the heart of a lion! ( from Dearest little sister)
10. Any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are. It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out. (from Thank you little sister)
They wake up at dawn to meditate, they do things in silence, and they have devoted their lives to teach raja yoga. They are actually volunteers of an international non-government organization (which is in consultative status with the United Nations) and residents of the Center of Spiritual Learning (CSL) but I prefer to call them monks.
I want to be like them (please see I want to be a monk), so for a year I would go up to cool and hilly Tagaytay to stay with them during my weekends.
Meet the residents
The sisters and the lone brother in CSL rarely give me instructions instead they teach by example.
I usually arrive Saturday afternoon. A motherly Sister Yogini welcomes me with her signature twinkling eyes and the warmest "Hello, hello, hello!". Before I even put my luggage in my room, I'll be ushered to the kitchen where the center coordinator, Sister Sushila greets me with a wide Cheshire cat grin and a hot bowl of soup. She usually sits down with me and asks how my week had been. On the other side of the dining hall, I'll catch a glimpse of Sister Adel sitting by lone self and eating in meditative silence.
Sunday morning breakfast will not be complete with Sister Natalie's freshly baked pandesal and brewed coffee. She reminds me of my grandmother (though she’s probably only in her late thirties) as she is always in the kitchen- happily concocting and preparing dishes and pastries. Often, she'll let me taste the new vegetarian recipe she's experimenting with. After breakfast, Sister Tims orients me about the things I have to do in the next two days. I love how she gives me the creative freedom to do tasks the best way I know how. Sometimes, she'll remind me, "Karen, it's never about the end-result. Always check what you're becoming in the process."
Before the day ends, Bro. William who to me looks like a gentle bear because of his big built and very refined manners packs up the kitchen. If I have time, I help him out but he always insist that I rest earlier than him.
The Secret
Visitors and guests of the Tagaytay retreat center will always comment that they instantly feel at peace as soon as they enter the door. Let me tell you in on a secret, it is because the "monks" who live there have filled each and every corner of the place with pure, peaceful and loving vibrations in their moments of silence and as they go about their chores.
Don't take my word for it, come see for yourself. The Center for Spiritual Learning regularly holds retreats and meditation classes. Drop by and treat yourself to a spa for the soul.
I did mention in my previous post that I won shopping vouchers (please see It's my birthday and I can gloat if I want to ). Hooray for me! Honestly, it was a pleasant surprise but getting a prize was the farthest thing from my mind. My intention was to simply acknowledge the kind staff of Starbucks LCCT (low cost carrier terminal), Malaysia.
So, I nonimated them in Malaysia airports' TOUCH campaign and wrote about their good deed. Let me tell you the story.
My travel buddy and I arrived at the Kuala Lumpur terminal past 1am. I usually cap the night by 9 pm so I was partly sleepwalking at that time. Good thing, I was sane enough to arrange for airport transfer before our flight. The hotel advised me to call as soon as we land. Since I needed Malaysian coins to use the phonebooths in the airport and I wanted to call immediately before I doze off (while walking), I asked the nearest shop (Starbucks) to change my dollar into coins but didn't order anything (I was so exhausted and sleepy, I wanted to be done with the call ASAP). Without batting an eyelash, they gave me enough coins for the call and returned my dollar. I thanked them and immediately hopped from one phonebooth to the other trying to connect to the hotel. Unfortunately, all the booths seemed to be out of order but I mindlessly continued to dial away (I did mention that I don't think straight when I'm sleep deprived, right?). Two of the Starbuck's staff whom I asked for change came out for break and noticed my desperate attempts to make a broken phone work. They approached us and offered the use of their cellular phone. I was hesitant initially. In my head, I was thinking "I'm a total stranger plus I look weird (I'm not only expecting to miraculously bring the phonebooth to life but I was also in my monk costume- an all white punjabi), are they not afraid that I run away with their phone?!" and "How generous of them to let me use their phone's credit considering they don't know me from Adam! Are they for real?". Eventually, I swallowed my doubts and pride, accepted their offer and called. After more failed attempts, not wanting to disturb them any further, my companion & I thanked them profusely and handed the phone back. They were hesitant to leave but we insisted that they take their break. However, in less than 10 minutes, they were back. They reported that they were able to contact the hotel and that the driver will arrive soon. We were very grateful and handed them a few dollars for the help but they refuse to accept it. Instead, they showed us where we will be picked up and quietly left. But before they head back to their post, they checked on us again to make sure we are ok. Just then, the driver arrived. Since he didn't speak English, they stayed awhile and interpreted for us.
This experience convinced me that people are good and that there are still those who are willing to walk the extra mile to extend their help. Now, I'll never tell anyone not to talk to strangers.
People, just be discriminating yet trusting and you'll come across the good Samaritans.
I know, she can be very honest but she’s also very patient.
She did not give up on me though it took me a year to jumpstart a project she can successfully accomplish in a month. I don’t
know how in the world I could ever come close to her standards. But today, I am definite I have!
What a pleasant birthday surprise!
Persistence is key
Currently, I’m blogging from a hotel in Kuala Lumpur (KL). I arrived past midnight expecting an airport transfer. But the road to getting it wasn't easy. As expected, I booked last minute- 48 hours
before the flight. I specifically asked for transfer when
I confirmed the booking and I also e-mailed the hotel twice just to be sure. When
I didn’t get a response after a day, I called. Guess what? They refused to accommodate my
request because I had to inform them 48 hours before the
scheduled check-in not 48 hours before I land on the airport ( didn't check the fine print). So, after a long and fruitless negotiation with the desk
officer, I hung up on her. Knowing that her shift will end around 5pm, I called again past that time hoping that I can get to talk the manager this time (or just a more sensible person). However, after spending
precious pesos on an international call, I got another no. My travel buddy insisted that I let it slide.
We could just get a taxi. So, before I boarded the plane I called again just to
get the address for the cab but I was told that the hotel will be sending someone to pick us up. Hooray! Dogged persistence does pay off.
Push it!
I work in “lala land”. That means I don’t do overtime (only until
6.30pm if I really have to). Office politics is unheard of where I come from. It’s impossible in my world since we work
with different colleagues daily and there's no ladder to climb. Since people are not after any position or promotion, the work atmosphere is generally relaxed. To
top it off, I may get off work
anytime I want to (not that I do that often). I just need to inform people- no slips or application of leave whatsoever. There's a reason why I’m telling you all this- to emphasize the point that I’m not used to working my butt-off like corporate people. We
literally just play at work. Then, I have to collaborate with a mentor who hails from
a let’s-get-things-done-even-if-it’s-out-of this-world environment and expects
me to move mountains.
For a year, I've been telling her that I'm trailing behind her but I'll get it soon enough. Today, I'm happy to report that I nailed it!
You see, I am in KL so I could redeem a shopping voucher
(not that I care anything about shopping). I won it. The thing is, I failed to read the fine print
again. I could only use it at the international airport of which I don’t have a
pass since I came in via the low cost terminal. I checked with the information
personnel- she said I can only use it for chocolates and perfume. My sister (my travel companion couldn’t contain her laughter- she
knows I don’t like perfume and I need every inch of my 15kg luggage to pack in all the sweets if I am to use up the gift certificates). But, after a
recent win (getting the airport transfer), I’m not one who will easily give in. I still went ahead with my set plan (to get a
gadget using the vouchers) and asked around. Turned
out, I can use it in a electronic store. The only thing is, I didn’t like the selection
in the only store outside the terminal.
Again, my travel buddy coaxed me to just be done with it and just get
whatever is available. The old me would have followed her. But, I’ve seen how persistence works so I
called the number in my congratulatory letter until my fingers bleed and my sister
threatens to block me from her travelling companion list. Did I budge? Did I give up? Hell no! (pardon
the language but I couldn’t find anything more appropriate) I asked where the
office of the awarding committee is and despite all odds (my irritated sissy
& the more irritated information lady), we ventured into the city to find the
head honcho so I can talk to him. I learned from my mentor that if something
closes, find another way. Also, she emphasized that the personnels usually
can’t make decisions so go for the big guys, they’re usually more accommodating. To cut to the chase, after almost a day of seek-and-seek
and talk-to-any-english speaking-airport personnel, I got a pass to go inside the international airport terminal. Another yay for me!
The Win
I just got my birthday present- a fiercer, more determined
and wait for it……………. a more focused me!
Thank you dearest mentor and great job, self! You are getting better!
P.S. Truth be told, silence helped me a lot too but that’s
another long story.
Not a bad batting average. Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok. The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".
Yes, I just reaffirmed myself. To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart. I really wanted to perfect it this time. But I didn't. At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me. I couldn't exactly recall what happened. I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered. I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.
A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner. Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished. I couldn't pinpoint why I do this. I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.
They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart. Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do. Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!". It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy. Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream. It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.
True, I don't know what's out there. How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me. But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!
What do you do when life throws you lemons?
They say make lemonade
I say, "Dodge!"
Duh?!
What if it's a lemon avalanche?
Wikihow says swim and try to stay near the surface
I say, "I'm clueless, I just hope I survive."
Huh....(deep sigh)
It happens
Storms strike at the most unholy hours
The whole of your world goes spinning
Aaaaargggh!!!!
I don't understand
No, I refuse to accept
Life can go haywire
Hmmmm....
Things don't go as planned
Setbacks happen
Or worse, things fall apart
Ooops!
Have you ever tasted the nearness of success with added spoonfuls of fear?
How about truckloads of expectations masquerading itself as tough love?
It's disgusting, let me tell you
Yuck!
People go crazy
Dreams elude even the most persistent
Happily ever after seems so far away
Well...
A recent weekend retreat made me revisit this long-lost, forgotten dream.
Flashback
Four years ago, on my first trip to the raja yoga's headquarters in India, despite all odds, I squeezed in an appointment with the administrative head to tell her that I want to surrender. In my head, this meant that when I get back home I will quit my job, leave my family, stay in the meditation center and teach yoga. Like a giddy first-timer, I awaited a favorable response. However, Dadi Janki, the 93 year old spiritual leader looked at me sternly and said, "Only when you are light and accurate".
Present
At the moment, if I resubmit my application, I think I will still be turned down. Yes, I am light but I'm not yet accurate. I've been wondering, "Why not simply rest on my easy nature?". After brooding on this, I realize that if I allow myself to be so carefree, I may just fall off the cliff as a result of my carelessness. Accuracy is the string which allows the kite of lightness to fly. Without the right discipline, the kite will fall to the ground or go wayward in the vast horizon. I now understand that a strength ceases to be a strength when it reaches its extreme. Like a highly organized person without concern or sensitivity for others may turn out to be arrogant and controlling. A sweet charismatic person without the ability to discern may end up being dependent on people or condoning even of wrong behavior. Therefore, the right dose of complimentary virtues is required to bring about the best version of me as a strength needs to be balanced by another virtue for it to fully realize its power. I do need to be light and accurate.
The Plan
Being a monk (that's how I prefer to call the volunteer raja yoga teachers who stay in the meditation centers) is still at the top of my bucket list. If I ace being accurate, I think I will get it. Now, as I finish the things I have to finish as I journey towards my goal, I will do this one thing- be on time (for every appointment, meeting, or class) !
"Please lock all the doors before you sleep.", I told her many times over before I retire for the night. At 3 o'clock in the morning, I woke up with all the doors open- screen door, front door and back door. Good thing, all our things were still intact and no stranger tried to barge in our house.
"I can get angry at her.", I told myself. This time my anger is justified! Awful things could have happened to us. Different scenarios played in my mind but my intellect (the rational part of me) said, "But, nothing happened. You have just cleared your heart? Do you want to be heavy again?" (Please see post on this if you don't follow)
"No, I don't want to carry any burden again", so I collected myself and decided to let it go. I spoke to her calmly about the matter when she woke up. Then, after breakfast, I thought of the most extraordinary thing- invite her for coffee.
My mind said, "Are you nuts? So, you are rewarding her for putting all of you in danger?!" My intellect refuted, "I'd like to love her inspite of." My better judgment won the battle.
When I brought her coffee, I muttered, "My peace offering. I'm sorry I could sometimes be harsh on you." She said, "Sometimes I need it, Ate (older sister). I can be very stubborn also." "Still, I'm sorry.", I replied.
For the first time in months, she started to share about her plans and dreams. I let her do the talking while I listened intently- reminding myself not to ask questions or give unsolicited advice. I was simply there for her- not passing any judgment whatsoever and wishing her well.
I felt I've cleared the air. I've finally cut the cobwebs which kept her from moving forward. You see, our negative feelings- anger, fear, resentment, worry or hurt not only clouds our thinking but it also entangles the object of these emotions. We often think that telling them of the problem is helpful. Well, it is but only when we come from a space of love. If we keep on blaming other people for our suffering thinking "you ought to change because you make me very uncomfortable", what we do is simply cramp the person more. Experience taught me that the best antidote for any conflict, relationship problem or even illness is love. Before calling in the counselor or the ambulance, I learned it's best to give them space to be who they choose to be, accept them for who they are, and love them inspite of.
I love you, little sister. I know you will be ok soon enough!
