Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Day 2: I’m a jerk

image from redandbluecrayons.deviantart.com

                                                                    April 4, 2017

Dearest Baba,

          Today, I realized how controlling I am.  I’d been feeling tired of late.  I thought it’s because the body’s been through a long journey from the Philippines to here (18 hours including the 5 hour transit in Singapore).  As I sat in meditation today, I felt that not only are my eyes heavy but my heart’s heavy too because of the many expectations it holds:

  * I want this person to submit the video I asked for right now
  * I want another person to reply to my message
  * I want to move accommodations 
  * I want to do intense yoga for 8 hours daily
  * I want to know how the program I left back home went
  * I want to stop doing all my mundane responsibilities while               I’m here in Madhuban (but I need to check on a                               project for at least 1-2 hours daily)

          I want so many things.  I expect people to do what I asked for.  I want things to happen in the way I want it to happen.  

          I’ve been such a jerk- too rigid, too controlling.

          I took the basket of burden and placed it on top of my head and now I wonder why I feel so tired.  Sometimes, I could be too responsible to a fault.

          I forgot that I’m only the paintbrush on the Artist’s hand.  It is not my call- it’s Yours.  My only responsibility is to be available.

         I try to do too much.  I push people & projects.  I stress myself and others.  Now, that I look back at all the things I want to control, I see that I will not die if I don’t get it.  Really, it won’t be the end of me.

         I forgot to flow.  I forgot to adjust- that’s why I’m heavy.   

         I feel that I need to let go and allow You to take over.  You’re the boss and I will simply make sure that my stage is good.

         That’s the only thing I should be concerned about.  Everything else is on You now.



meditation by Release Your Wings

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