|image from redandbluecrayons.deviantart.com|
April 4, 2017
Today, I realized how controlling I am. I’d been feeling tired of late. I thought it’s because the body’s been through a long journey from the Philippines to here (18 hours including the 5 hour transit in Singapore). As I sat in meditation today, I felt that not only are my eyes heavy but my heart’s heavy too because of the many expectations it holds:
* I want this person to submit the video I asked for right now
* I want another person to reply to my message
* I want to move accommodations
* I want to do intense yoga for 8 hours daily
* I want to know how the program I left back home went
* I want to stop doing all my mundane responsibilities while I’m here in Madhuban (but I need to check on a project for at least 1-2 hours daily)
I want so many things. I expect people to do what I asked for. I want things to happen in the way I want it to happen.
I’ve been such a jerk- too rigid, too controlling.
I took the basket of burden and placed it on top of my head and now I wonder why I feel so tired. Sometimes, I could be too responsible to a fault.
I forgot that I’m only the paintbrush on the Artist’s hand. It is not my call- it’s Yours. My only responsibility is to be available.
I try to do too much. I push people & projects. I stress myself and others. Now, that I look back at all the things I want to control, I see that I will not die if I don’t get it. Really, it won’t be the end of me.
I forgot to flow. I forgot to adjust- that’s why I’m heavy.
I feel that I need to let go and allow You to take over. You’re the boss and I will simply make sure that my stage is good.
That’s the only thing I should be concerned about. Everything else is on You now.
meditation by Release Your Wings