I'm still angry

image from https://www.bioit.com

Sometimes, I'm ok
At other times, I'm not
Like a pendulum
I swing from one end to the other


I know I have to pack it up
It has happened
There's nothing I can do about it
The only sensible move is to learn from it


But, some angst  still remain
It's like a small ball of fire
Stuck in my belly
I want to be rid of it


It does not help me
Move along my journey- at all
It is such a heavy burden
To carry


So, now, I decide
To face the red monster
"Be gone!"
"I will be free of you"


I understand it clearly
No one is to blame
Not even me
I don't know any better


It is good that it has surfaced
'Cause I discovered my triggers
and somehow understand myself better
Now,  I can chase the monster away


I learned my feelings are valid
It is ok to acknowledge it
And express it
Yet, in the most diplomatic of manners


Right now, I still ache
It hurts still
But, I shall copy the oyster
And, use the pain to create a pearl

                                                             video from EasyMeditation

I interviewed a 13-year-old gangster

 Image from http://www.zerochan.net

I was a facilitator in a youth camp last weekend.  There was this boy whom almost everybody complained of.  The girls reported that at bedtime, he would open their dormitory door and throw pillows at them.  The boys said he'll do it when one of them is near the door so he could conveniently place the blame on them.  He would call his fellow campers names and would play practical jokes on them.  In short, he was the camp's bully.

Before I spoke to him, I sensed that he was going through something and that he was simply acting out.  Still, I was surprised at what I later find out.

The talk
I was sitting in the sofa with the boys and asking each one of them how the camp was when he joined in and  threw a question at me, "We were taught that we have to listen.  What does that mean?" "Well, everybody around us tells us one thing or another- our parents say this, our teachers advise that and our friends say something different all together.  Sometimes, we forget to listen to the most important person- our self.", I replied.

"You know, Ate (older sister), I have decided to listen to this (pointing to his heart)."  He, then started to narrate his story.  He told me of his 13-year-old friend who recently died because of frat war.  He knew that friend from a dance group and then later as one of the leaders of a gang.  His friend decided to leave his group and change his ways.  However, one day, while he was walking on the road with 2 other buddies, they came across their previous opponents- a whole batallion of them.  His other friends ran but he tripped and was beaten to death.

"Why did they kill him when he's no longer part of a gang? He was trying to change!", he reasoned.  His 13-year-old self could not understand why it had to happen.  I simply listened.

His story
He went on to say that he used to be part of a similar group too.  "I joined because of brotherhood", he explained. "Later, I observed that we were mere puppets of the founder.  He urged us to fight other gangs and taught us all sorts of vices.  My friend's death shook me up to all these nonsense."

With all the courage he can muster, he declared, "I will finish what my friend wasn't able to finish. I will change!"

He related that he had been changing for 6 months now.  It wasn't easy as he had to break his ties with his previous crew and he has to be on guard because of his gangs' previous enemies.

I know he will make it. He has that look of determination on his face.

What now
When the camp finished, we gave feedback to the children's caregivers.  The boy's lola (grandmother) received all the complaints before I got to talk to her. I tried to squeeze in a short meeting with her before they head off.  I did not tell her the whole story but only what she needs to know, "Your apo (grandchild) is bent on changing his ways. In fact, he's been working on himself for a long time- 6 months now. Whatever, you see right now are remnants of the habits he has acquired. He still is a work in progress and he needs all the help and support that he can get".

My lesson
I realized that it is so easy to be critical of another person.  It is so easy to point out another's defect.  What is hard to recognize is the effort that the soul is exerting.  More often than not, I do not know where that one is coming from and what is really going on.  What is visible is a just the tip of the iceberg.  So, from now on, I resolved to never ever judge.    

                                                                 video from easymeditation

You hurt me

image from http://25.media.tumblr.com/

"You hurt me!", this was my battle cry the whole week I succumbed to depression.

I had been keeping in all of my angst for years and one day it just blew up in front of my face.  I felt so angry, I don't know what to do.  So, for a week I locked myself in my room and wallowed in misery ( but I would come down twice a day to eat and yell to the dog- just to let it out ).

I generally keep everything in check except for my hurts. I look at my thoughts, my behavior and my response to things.  But, when someone attacks me (confronts, backstabs or fights me), I automatically shut down and feel numb.  I come from a squishy home where my parents have always been very supportive and  protective. I work in lala land where office politics is unheard of.  So, when I come across mean people, I freeze.

I spoke to a senior sister about this.  She  asked, " What do you do when someone doesn't like you or fights with you?"  "I meditate", I replied. "You're not defending yourself!", she answered back.

I have been defenseless for years, so all the hurt, anger and pain were kept in the inner recesses of my heart.  One day, it came out and swallowed me whole.

I'm so angry at so many people, I don't want to see them.  So, I locked myself up.  In my room, I cried and  blamed everyone who hurt me. "Why are they so mean?", I ask.  "Why didn't someone point this out to me early on."  I did this blaming game day in and day out for seven days until I realize that I can't blame people for being who they are.  They are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, yes.  But, there's no way I can change them.  Even if I plead, "Can you please change because you're encroaching on my space?"  I doubt if they'll transform in an instant simply to accommodate me.  People have their own issues and their own personalities.  I have no control over that.  And, sadly, I don't live in a perfect world with angels and saints.  There will always be difficult people.  The only thing I can do is to toughen up and learn to master the art of standing up for myself.

In the end, I realized that I am to blame.  I hurt myself because I allowed others to hurt me.  Now, I have to power up!

                                                                  video from easy meditation

The Red Monster Came Out of Hiding

cartoon from http://www.clipartbest.com

I have waged war against the television (How to kill addiction) , waste thoughts (Thinking positively works) and even laziness(Who's your nemesis?) and won.  I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized.  I was held captive.

The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years.  It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength.  Everytime I chose to keep quiet and follow orders I  do not understand, it becomes stronger.   Whenever I choose to evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company.  In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder.  When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh.  It masks itself as the keeper of peace.  It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes.  It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok.  It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not).

I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long.  Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die.  In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up.  I realized that I was so angry I'm driving myself to death.  I am so angry, it's using up all of my energy. I am so angry I got depressed.

It's been there all along but I have ignored it.  Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.

I have been told that this will happen.  I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better".  Sister Denise, a senior sister based in India says that my monsters have  to come out so I can eradicate it.  Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage.  Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it.  So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.

 Ok then, let the fight begin.

                                                           video from easymeditation

What I learned from watching ‘How I Met Your Mother’

cartoon from http://lastlemon.com

I am a Marshall

I shouldn’t let people push me around

Sometimes, it’s ok to go nuclear

I need to say NO

More often

Like Ted 

But, I have to stop blurting all the right things

Like Lily

I’m not smarter than everybody else (ok, probably just a little)

I don’t think I’ll ever grow up like Barney (and it's ok)

But, I have to learn to choose which challenge to accept

And complete it

I need to speak my mind more

Like Robin

“Hello world, I am a toughie!”

Not really that strong yet

But, I will be

You’ll see

                                                                 video from easy meditation

I missed my plane to India so I can whine if I want to

image from http://1.bp.blogspot.com

                                         

I actually gave myself full permission to take leave from work, rant or even throw tantrums to let go of any trace of regret or ill feeling about the cancellation but I did nothing of that sort. Surprisingly, I was perfectly cool with it.  

Well, I decided not to board the plane 2 weeks prior to my scheduled departure. I just knew that my body cannot handle the long trip ( just for now. my doctor says I'll live. :) ).  I sat down and meditated to confirm my decision.  My spirit agreed, it is the right thing to do.

It was a big lost for me though.  It felt as though I missed my Christmas since it is the one thing I look forward to every Madhuban season just as a child's giddy about the-most-wonderful-time-of-the-year.  And, I have never missed a single season (the university opens its doors to foreign students from October to April) since I became a student of meditation.  I also prepared for it for 6 months prior to the supposed trip.  As in any reputable school, students had to qualify to be admitted.  Not to mention, the thousands of pesos which just flew out the window when I missed my flight (just learned that promo fares cannot be refunded and it costs twice as much when you opt for rebooking).

Inspite of all that, I wasn't sad, mad or disappointed.  There was simply a calm and gentle acceptance of the situation.

It is what it is. No qualms, resistance, or objection.  Oh my gosh!  I think I finally imbue "om shanti" (I am a peaceful soul).

On Dying

image from http://www.bkpublications.com

"Stop it!", my mom said in her loudest voice when I rattle off my planned funeral arrangements (When I Die).  Another friend  cried buckets when I calmly told her that I might have to leave this world.

There was a time when I thought I only have a few months to live. So, I started saying goodbye to some people close to me. It was then that I learned that talking about death is taboo in our society.  People simply cannot handle it or they refuse to accept that cold truth even though it is as glaring as the fact that the sun will rise in the morning and will have to retire by sunset.  Why are people afraid of death, I fathom?  Unknowingly,  a friend supplied an answer one lunch time, "It's the kids I'm worried about".  Another added, "And, where do we go when we die?"

Then, I realized that people prefer to stay mum about it because death opens so many scenarios we cannot control.  We are afraid of what will happen to the ones we'll leave behind.  (I guess, they will keep on living.).  We afraid of where we will go when the dark angel with the infamous hook calls.  Though, there have been reports of the after life or reincarnation (whichever belief suits you), there's really no way to call the departed ones to confirm where they head off.

Every time  I go to a funeral, I always hear, "He has left us." But, the body still lies in the casket.  So, who has left? Definitely, not the body because it still lies there as immobile as a log or in a condensed form as ashes (for those who opted for cremation).  I have been taught that it is the soul which leaves the body.  Essentially, we are really souls, points of energy.  The body is simply like a car we use and we, the souls, are the drivers. Death simply means the car can no longer function.  So, the driver (the soul) has to leave so it can continue its journey.  Physics supports this, it says, energy cannot be created nor destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another. (Law of the Conservation of Energy).

Therefore, it's ok to die.  A senior dadi (sister) tells us, it's just like going to another room. Well, there's nothing scary there.

Surrender

image from http://blog.ewomennetwork.com

I love that word. I first heard of it (as a virtue) in a leadership seminar 7 years ago and I have loved it ever since but I only fully realized what it meant lately.

The Struggle
I've been battling a disease for the last 2 years- it's zapping my energy and the doctors have different opinions about it.  My Chinese doctor says it's Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Just by the name, it looks like I will die anytime soon.  My medical doctor, on the other hand thinks it's a mere vitamin deficiency.

Initially, I tried the natural way of boiling Chinese herbs and drinking it's bitter juice for 6 months to no avail (but it really works for some people I know).  I shifted to the Western medicine where I get weekly Vitamin B shots and was simply advised to increase my food intake.  I noticed improvements but the weakness still persists (this is a big deal 'cause I used to be like an Energizer bunny).  Though, I felt a lot better knowing that I'm not a terminal case.

Recently, for the last 2 weeks, I wake up every single day with a slight fever but I would dismiss it and go about my usual routine. I will still wake up at 4am though I can only sit for meditation for 30 minutes or less (I can do it for an hour before).  Then, my body pulls me right back to sleep.  I will set my alarm at 5.30am so I can come to meditation class at 6.30am. I cannot urge my body to get up right away though, so, I end up coming in late for 15-20 minutes.  After class,  I  go to work for 8 hours and after that, my body just wants to lie down and rest. But, I'll still push it to attend to the concerns of the non-profit organization we've started.

I'll make-up and simply rest during my 3 day weekends (as in, literally do nothing).  However, when my body refused to stand up one morning (it simply remained glue to the bed for hours and hours on end), I decided to change course and see a naturopathic doctor.  Since my mind-over-matter mantra and current medication's not working, I think it's about time for change.

The Cure
That fateful morning, I still attended meditation class though I'm an hour late. Before the class ended, our elder sister told us to write down our current obstacle in a sheet of paper and offer it to the Father. I immediately wrote down, sickness of the body. After the class and our Sunday morning breakfast, I just had the feeling that I ought to ask the sister sitting beside me in class about the colonics therapy she went through (though I'm set on seeing another doctor).  She animated told me about alternative medicine and offered to bring me to the clinic where she goes.  I trusted my guts and took her offer.

I came in first for assessment where the naturopathic doctor told me that my cells aren't healthy. In fact, my red blood cells were clustered when it should be far apart, it's moving rather slowly and appears pale.  I was immediately given a program and supplementation.  I opted to start that same day.  I had a Vitamin C drip where they give me 500ml of Vitamin C intravenously and a colonics procedure where they flush a huge amount of water in my intestine to take out the debris which have been deposited there throughout the years.  I was also asked to take in 8 glasses of  juice daily.   I was not expecting much. So, I was surprised that I woke up at 3am the following day- an hour earlier than my set alarm. I wasn't getting sleepy or drowsy so I was able to meditate for 1 1/2 hours (i'm nuts about yoga, so this is huge! think of it as getting 2 extra scoops of ice cream when you're only expecting a tablespoon). And I'm still not sleepy after that!!! (3 exclamation points 'cause I was really surprised at my body's immediate recovery).  So, I prepared for meditation class and work after. And for the first time in weeks (or is it months?), I came on time.

The Magic
All it took was one day, and just like that I felt that my energy's renewed.  After more than 2 years, I think I found the right road back to wellness.  On second thought, it was not my doing.  I surrendered it first and then the right answer came.

Now, I realize that all along I've been trying to take care of the situation all by myself. It's when I let go and then let God that everything's immediately resolved like magic! Aaaaaah, the beauty of surrender. I should do this more often.

Dearest little brother

• 

  cartoon from http://.shutterstock.com

  
  I recently received a message from my youngest brother. It says:
  
  
  hi ate (older sister), we have 2 followers na (already). hahaha. http://blotbox.wordpress.com. don't follow us unless you like our posts ok.
  
  
  I didn't follow him (not yet), instead I wrote him back...
  
  Dearest little brother,
  
  

I still have fond memories of you

As a chubby little kid who would never stop eating

Until his tummy hurts

I read your blog today and I wonder,

When did you become so smart?

I saw how you battle the demons in your head

And chase away each one of them

It seemed impossible to get out of the rut you're in

But you were very determined so you came out of it with laurels on your head

How did you become so strong?

I still remember how I had to ask you to name at least one real friend

At that time, you could not even utter a name

Now, mama complains that your batallion of friends

Can ransack her one week's supply of food in a jiffy

When did you become so amiable?

I never told you, that you are one of the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing

It hurts so deep to see you struggle before

It cuts like a knife and while I keep a tough exterior I was crying inside

 I thought there was no way back, all medical books say all roads lead to a downward spiral

You proved them wrong

Of course, we were there for you

But all the credit goes to you

Because you fought hard with all the courage in your soul

You braved the storms

And you found your gift at the tail-end

I hope that you continue to nurture this

It has saved you

And now you have the antidote to redeem others

I know that the road seems bleak at this point

 Continue to follow your heart and your happily-ever-after will meet you real soon

                                                             commentary from easymeditation

10 Things 2013 taught me

from http://plumvillage.org

Kung hei fat choi!  Since today is the start of the year for the Chinese, my year in review is just in time (though i'm not Chinese & it's technically the end of the first month).

I'm just glad that I met my self-imposed  deadline.  (To be honest, I have been trying to finish it since Jan.1)  You see, I refuse to let facebook choose the highlights of my year.  So, on the first month of the new year,  I have decided to go back memory lane, revisit some of my previous blog entries for 2013 & extract its essence. I remember what my college professor said many years back, "History is important because it allows you to look at the past and learn from it".

Here are my top 10 learnings from the year that was:

1.   I'm still in the process of  becoming a diamond hence the pressure and the mess.  I wish I can be  spared the pain but it is crucial that I go through this so I can be the jewel that  I truly am. (from Let the past be the past)

2.   Old habits stay because it's comfortable.  On the other hand, sticking to new habits is painful- initially.  But when I understand it for what it really is, then changing can be a breeze. (from On going berserk)

3.   I say, "No more!"  to ruminating about the past or the future.  These ifs, what could haves, buts, and whys shall touch me no more....I shall hold my precious precious time like the gold present it is.  (from The garbage truck has been stalking me)

4.   Whenever I complain about something or someone. It's never about them. In reality, there's something lacking inside me.  Complaining is the red flag that tells me I am unhappy. (from Thinking positively works)

5.  “Make a firm promise, you will remain happy and share happiness.  There is no nourishment like happiness.  There is so much wonder in happiness”. (from Stay happy no matter what)

6.   Time is the currency I pay in life.  If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections and learnings.  But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future. (from The tv took me hostage)

7.   Realization is the first step to change. Then, I only need to gather the courage to do the right thing -again and again until I form the habit of just moving forward towards the goal, not minding the hurdles. (from How to kill addiction)

8.   We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become.  Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power.  There's really no need to scramble to look for it.  The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us.  We simpy have to remember who we really are. ( from I was a zombie )

9.  Fear is like a humongous dragon but, if you look closely enough, it’s all just smoke- a scary-looking mirage.  You’re made of tougher stuff.  You have the heart of a lion! ( from Dearest little sister)               

10.  Any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are.  It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out. (from Thank you little sister)   

                                                   meditation commentary from  Easy Meditation