On Dying

image from http://www.bkpublications.com

"Stop it!", my mom said in her loudest voice when I rattle off my planned funeral arrangements (When I Die).  Another friend  cried buckets when I calmly told her that I might have to leave this world.

There was a time when I thought I only have a few months to live. So, I started saying goodbye to some people close to me. It was then that I learned that talking about death is taboo in our society.  People simply cannot handle it or they refuse to accept that cold truth even though it is as glaring as the fact that the sun will rise in the morning and will have to retire by sunset.  Why are people afraid of death, I fathom?  Unknowingly,  a friend supplied an answer one lunch time, "It's the kids I'm worried about".  Another added, "And, where do we go when we die?"

Then, I realized that people prefer to stay mum about it because death opens so many scenarios we cannot control.  We are afraid of what will happen to the ones we'll leave behind.  (I guess, they will keep on living.).  We afraid of where we will go when the dark angel with the infamous hook calls.  Though, there have been reports of the after life or reincarnation (whichever belief suits you), there's really no way to call the departed ones to confirm where they head off.

Every time  I go to a funeral, I always hear, "He has left us." But, the body still lies in the casket.  So, who has left? Definitely, not the body because it still lies there as immobile as a log or in a condensed form as ashes (for those who opted for cremation).  I have been taught that it is the soul which leaves the body.  Essentially, we are really souls, points of energy.  The body is simply like a car we use and we, the souls, are the drivers. Death simply means the car can no longer function.  So, the driver (the soul) has to leave so it can continue its journey.  Physics supports this, it says, energy cannot be created nor destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another. (Law of the Conservation of Energy).

Therefore, it's ok to die.  A senior dadi (sister) tells us, it's just like going to another room. Well, there's nothing scary there.

Surrender

image from http://blog.ewomennetwork.com

I love that word. I first heard of it (as a virtue) in a leadership seminar 7 years ago and I have loved it ever since but I only fully realized what it meant lately.

The Struggle
I've been battling a disease for the last 2 years- it's zapping my energy and the doctors have different opinions about it.  My Chinese doctor says it's Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Just by the name, it looks like I will die anytime soon.  My medical doctor, on the other hand thinks it's a mere vitamin deficiency.

Initially, I tried the natural way of boiling Chinese herbs and drinking it's bitter juice for 6 months to no avail (but it really works for some people I know).  I shifted to the Western medicine where I get weekly Vitamin B shots and was simply advised to increase my food intake.  I noticed improvements but the weakness still persists (this is a big deal 'cause I used to be like an Energizer bunny).  Though, I felt a lot better knowing that I'm not a terminal case.

Recently, for the last 2 weeks, I wake up every single day with a slight fever but I would dismiss it and go about my usual routine. I will still wake up at 4am though I can only sit for meditation for 30 minutes or less (I can do it for an hour before).  Then, my body pulls me right back to sleep.  I will set my alarm at 5.30am so I can come to meditation class at 6.30am. I cannot urge my body to get up right away though, so, I end up coming in late for 15-20 minutes.  After class,  I  go to work for 8 hours and after that, my body just wants to lie down and rest. But, I'll still push it to attend to the concerns of the non-profit organization we've started.

I'll make-up and simply rest during my 3 day weekends (as in, literally do nothing).  However, when my body refused to stand up one morning (it simply remained glue to the bed for hours and hours on end), I decided to change course and see a naturopathic doctor.  Since my mind-over-matter mantra and current medication's not working, I think it's about time for change.

The Cure
That fateful morning, I still attended meditation class though I'm an hour late. Before the class ended, our elder sister told us to write down our current obstacle in a sheet of paper and offer it to the Father. I immediately wrote down, sickness of the body. After the class and our Sunday morning breakfast, I just had the feeling that I ought to ask the sister sitting beside me in class about the colonics therapy she went through (though I'm set on seeing another doctor).  She animated told me about alternative medicine and offered to bring me to the clinic where she goes.  I trusted my guts and took her offer.

I came in first for assessment where the naturopathic doctor told me that my cells aren't healthy. In fact, my red blood cells were clustered when it should be far apart, it's moving rather slowly and appears pale.  I was immediately given a program and supplementation.  I opted to start that same day.  I had a Vitamin C drip where they give me 500ml of Vitamin C intravenously and a colonics procedure where they flush a huge amount of water in my intestine to take out the debris which have been deposited there throughout the years.  I was also asked to take in 8 glasses of  juice daily.   I was not expecting much. So, I was surprised that I woke up at 3am the following day- an hour earlier than my set alarm. I wasn't getting sleepy or drowsy so I was able to meditate for 1 1/2 hours (i'm nuts about yoga, so this is huge! think of it as getting 2 extra scoops of ice cream when you're only expecting a tablespoon). And I'm still not sleepy after that!!! (3 exclamation points 'cause I was really surprised at my body's immediate recovery).  So, I prepared for meditation class and work after. And for the first time in weeks (or is it months?), I came on time.

The Magic
All it took was one day, and just like that I felt that my energy's renewed.  After more than 2 years, I think I found the right road back to wellness.  On second thought, it was not my doing.  I surrendered it first and then the right answer came.

Now, I realize that all along I've been trying to take care of the situation all by myself. It's when I let go and then let God that everything's immediately resolved like magic! Aaaaaah, the beauty of surrender. I should do this more often.

Dearest little brother

• 

  cartoon from http://.shutterstock.com

  
  I recently received a message from my youngest brother. It says:
  
  
  hi ate (older sister), we have 2 followers na (already). hahaha. http://blotbox.wordpress.com. don't follow us unless you like our posts ok.
  
  
  I didn't follow him (not yet), instead I wrote him back...
  
  Dearest little brother,
  
  

I still have fond memories of you

As a chubby little kid who would never stop eating

Until his tummy hurts

I read your blog today and I wonder,

When did you become so smart?

I saw how you battle the demons in your head

And chase away each one of them

It seemed impossible to get out of the rut you're in

But you were very determined so you came out of it with laurels on your head

How did you become so strong?

I still remember how I had to ask you to name at least one real friend

At that time, you could not even utter a name

Now, mama complains that your batallion of friends

Can ransack her one week's supply of food in a jiffy

When did you become so amiable?

I never told you, that you are one of the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing

It hurts so deep to see you struggle before

It cuts like a knife and while I keep a tough exterior I was crying inside

 I thought there was no way back, all medical books say all roads lead to a downward spiral

You proved them wrong

Of course, we were there for you

But all the credit goes to you

Because you fought hard with all the courage in your soul

You braved the storms

And you found your gift at the tail-end

I hope that you continue to nurture this

It has saved you

And now you have the antidote to redeem others

I know that the road seems bleak at this point

 Continue to follow your heart and your happily-ever-after will meet you real soon

                                                             commentary from easymeditation

10 Things 2013 taught me

from http://plumvillage.org

Kung hei fat choi!  Since today is the start of the year for the Chinese, my year in review is just in time (though i'm not Chinese & it's technically the end of the first month).

I'm just glad that I met my self-imposed  deadline.  (To be honest, I have been trying to finish it since Jan.1)  You see, I refuse to let facebook choose the highlights of my year.  So, on the first month of the new year,  I have decided to go back memory lane, revisit some of my previous blog entries for 2013 & extract its essence. I remember what my college professor said many years back, "History is important because it allows you to look at the past and learn from it".

Here are my top 10 learnings from the year that was:

1.   I'm still in the process of  becoming a diamond hence the pressure and the mess.  I wish I can be  spared the pain but it is crucial that I go through this so I can be the jewel that  I truly am. (from Let the past be the past)

2.   Old habits stay because it's comfortable.  On the other hand, sticking to new habits is painful- initially.  But when I understand it for what it really is, then changing can be a breeze. (from On going berserk)

3.   I say, "No more!"  to ruminating about the past or the future.  These ifs, what could haves, buts, and whys shall touch me no more....I shall hold my precious precious time like the gold present it is.  (from The garbage truck has been stalking me)

4.   Whenever I complain about something or someone. It's never about them. In reality, there's something lacking inside me.  Complaining is the red flag that tells me I am unhappy. (from Thinking positively works)

5.  “Make a firm promise, you will remain happy and share happiness.  There is no nourishment like happiness.  There is so much wonder in happiness”. (from Stay happy no matter what)

6.   Time is the currency I pay in life.  If I let my hours pass meaninglessly then I spill potential gold coins of new experiences, connections and learnings.  But, if I use it then I taste life's offerings and insert some coins in a piggy bank labeled future. (from The tv took me hostage)

7.   Realization is the first step to change. Then, I only need to gather the courage to do the right thing -again and again until I form the habit of just moving forward towards the goal, not minding the hurdles. (from How to kill addiction)

8.   We only need to awaken to the truth that our real selves is not connected to anything we have, or whatever we do, not even to what we have become.  Essentially, we are beings of love, peace, happiness, purity and power.  There's really no need to scramble to look for it.  The very thing we seek in our lives is inherent in us.  We simpy have to remember who we really are. ( from I was a zombie )

9.  Fear is like a humongous dragon but, if you look closely enough, it’s all just smoke- a scary-looking mirage.  You’re made of tougher stuff.  You have the heart of a lion! ( from Dearest little sister)               

10.  Any negative emotion- fear, anger, worry, regret, or hurt impedes my inner eye from seeing people and circumstances for what they truly are.  It is only when I remove these blinders that I can let love back in and then be able to give it out. (from Thank you little sister)   

                                                   meditation commentary from  Easy Meditation

Note to self

  illustration by Kristina Swarner                                                       

People will disappoint you

though how well-meaning they may seem

They are not robots

They cannot or will not do things exactly as you expect them to

Be accommodating

People will hurt you

Even if they don't want to

Even if they love you

They sometimes forget or they get too attached to you

Let go

People will not always like you

They are as fickle as the weather
It's not about you

It's about them but they bounce it off to you

Don't mind them

The good thing is

People can change

like seasons

People can evolve

like iphones

Give them space

Allow them to be who they choose to choose to be

And remain stable in who you are

Don't let them shake you
Be a rock, be their rock

Lessons from the monks

photo from www.tagaytayretreatcenter.org

They wake up at dawn to meditate, they do things in silence, and they have devoted their lives to teach raja yoga.  They are actually volunteers of an international non-government organization (which is in consultative status with the United Nations) and residents of the Center of Spiritual Learning (CSL) but I prefer to call them monks.

I want to be like them (please see I want to be a monk), so for a year I would go up to cool and hilly Tagaytay to stay with them during my weekends.

Meet the residents 

The sisters and the lone brother in CSL rarely give me instructions instead they teach by example.

I usually arrive Saturday afternoon. A motherly Sister Yogini welcomes me with her signature twinkling eyes and the warmest "Hello, hello, hello!".  Before I even put my luggage in my room, I'll be ushered to the kitchen where the center coordinator, Sister Sushila greets me with a wide Cheshire cat grin and a hot bowl of soup.  She usually sits down with me and asks how my week had been.   On the other side of the dining hall, I'll catch a glimpse of Sister Adel sitting by lone self and eating in meditative silence.

Sunday morning breakfast will not be complete with Sister Natalie's freshly baked pandesal and brewed coffee.  She reminds me of my grandmother (though she’s probably only in her late thirties) as she is always in the kitchen- happily concocting and preparing dishes and pastries.  Often, she'll let me taste the new vegetarian recipe she's experimenting with.  After breakfast, Sister Tims orients me about the things I have to do in the next two days.  I love how she gives me the creative freedom to do tasks the best way I know how. Sometimes, she'll remind me, "Karen, it's never about the end-result.  Always check what you're becoming in the process."

Before the day ends, Bro. William who to me looks like a gentle bear because of his big built and very refined manners packs up the kitchen.  If I have time, I help him out but he always insist that I rest earlier than him.

The Secret
Visitors and guests of the Tagaytay retreat center will always comment that they instantly feel at peace as soon as they enter the door.  Let me tell you in on a secret, it is because the "monks" who live there have filled each and every corner of the place with pure, peaceful and loving vibrations in their moments of silence and as they go about their chores.

Don't take my word for it, come see for yourself.  The Center for Spiritual Learning regularly holds retreats and meditation classes.  Drop by and treat yourself to a spa for the soul.  



                                             video from Easy Meditation

It's ok to talk to strangers

I did mention in my previous post that I won shopping vouchers (please see It's my birthday and I can gloat if I want to ). Hooray for me!  Honestly, it was a pleasant surprise but getting a prize was the farthest thing from my mind.  My intention was to simply acknowledge the kind staff of Starbucks LCCT (low cost carrier terminal), Malaysia.

So, I nonimated them in Malaysia airports' TOUCH campaign and wrote about their good deed.  Let me tell you the story.

My travel buddy and I arrived at the Kuala Lumpur terminal past 1am. I usually cap the night by 9 pm so I was partly sleepwalking at that time.  Good thing, I was sane enough to arrange for airport transfer before our flight.  The hotel advised me to call as soon as we land.  Since I needed Malaysian coins to use the phonebooths in the airport and I wanted to call immediately before I doze off (while walking), I asked the nearest shop (Starbucks) to change my dollar into coins but didn't order anything (I was so exhausted and sleepy, I wanted to be done with the call ASAP).  Without batting an eyelash, they gave me enough coins for the call and returned my dollar.  I thanked them and immediately hopped from one phonebooth to the other trying to connect to the hotel.  Unfortunately, all the booths seemed to be out of order but I mindlessly continued to dial away (I did mention that I don't think straight when I'm  sleep deprived, right?).  Two of the Starbuck's staff whom I asked for change came out for break and noticed my desperate attempts to make a broken phone work.  They approached us and offered the use of their cellular phone.  I was hesitant initially.  In my head, I was thinking "I'm a total stranger plus I look weird (I'm not only expecting to miraculously bring the phonebooth to life but I was also in my monk costume- an all white punjabi), are they not afraid that I run away with their phone?!" and "How generous of them to let me use their phone's credit considering they don't know me from Adam! Are they for real?".  Eventually, I swallowed my doubts and pride, accepted their offer and called.  After more failed attempts, not wanting to disturb them any further,  my companion & I thanked them profusely and handed the phone back.  They were hesitant to leave but we insisted that they take their break.  However, in less than 10 minutes, they were back.  They reported that they were able to contact the hotel and that the driver will arrive soon.  We were very grateful and handed them a few dollars for the help but they refuse to accept it.  Instead, they showed us where we will be picked up and quietly left.  But before they head back to their post, they checked on us again to make sure we are ok.  Just then, the driver arrived.  Since he  didn't speak English, they stayed awhile and interpreted for us.

This experience convinced me that people are good and that there are still those who are willing to walk the extra mile to extend their help.  Now, I'll never tell anyone not to talk to strangers.

People, just be discriminating yet trusting and you'll come across the good Samaritans.

It’s my birthday and I can gloat if I want to

photo from http://www.nairaland.com

I’ve lost track of how many times my mentor had to sit down with me just to remind me that I have to focus. “Do you really want to have a chopsuey life?!”,  she’d asked (for those of you who don’t know what chopsuey is, it’s sautéed mixed vegetables. interesting choice of words, noh?) or “You know, I didn’t believe you before when you said that you probably have ADD (attention deficit disorder) but you might just have it.” or “You have great potential but if you don’t get your act together it might just remain that- a potential”.

I know, she can be very honest but she’s also very patient.  She did not give up on me though it took me a year to jumpstart a project she can successfully accomplish in a month.  I don’t know how in the world I could ever come close to her standards.  But today, I am definite I have!

What a pleasant birthday surprise!

Persistence is key

Currently, I’m blogging from a hotel in Kuala Lumpur (KL).  I arrived past midnight expecting an airport transfer.  But the road to getting it wasn't easy.  As expected, I booked last minute- 48 hours before the flight.  I specifically asked for transfer when I confirmed the booking and I also e-mailed the hotel twice just to be sure. When I didn’t get a response after a day, I called.  Guess what? They refused to accommodate my request because I had to inform them 48 hours before the scheduled check-in not 48 hours before I land on the airport ( didn't check the fine print).  So, after a long and fruitless negotiation with the desk officer, I hung up on her.  Knowing that her shift will end around 5pm, I called again past that time hoping that I can get to talk the manager this time (or just a more sensible person).  However, after spending precious pesos on an international call, I got another no.  My travel buddy insisted that I let it slide. We could just get a taxi. So, before I boarded the plane I called again just to get the address for the cab but I was told that the hotel will be sending someone to pick us up. Hooray! Dogged persistence does pay off. 

Push it!

I work in “lala land”.  That means I don’t do overtime (only until 6.30pm if I really have to). Office politics is unheard of where I come from.  It’s impossible in my world since we work with different colleagues daily and there's no ladder to climb.  Since people are not after any position or promotion, the work atmosphere is generally relaxed.  To top it off,  I may get off work anytime I want to (not that I do that often). I just need to inform people- no slips or application of leave whatsoever.  There's a reason why I’m telling you all this- to emphasize the point that  I’m not used to working my butt-off like corporate people.  We literally just play at work.  Then, I have to collaborate with a mentor who hails from a let’s-get-things-done-even-if-it’s-out-of this-world environment and expects me to move mountains.

For a year, I've been telling her that I'm trailing behind her but I'll get it soon enough.  Today, I'm happy to report that I nailed it!

You see, I am in KL so I could redeem a shopping voucher (not that I care anything about shopping). I won it.  The thing is, I failed to read the fine print again. I could only use it at the international airport of which I don’t have a pass since I came in via the low cost terminal. I checked with the information personnel- she said I can only use it for chocolates and perfume.  My sister (my travel companion couldn’t contain her laughter- she knows I don’t like perfume and I need every inch of my 15kg luggage to pack in all the sweets if I am to use up the gift certificates).  But, after a recent win (getting the airport transfer), I’m not one who will easily give in.  I still went ahead with my set plan (to get a gadget using the vouchers) and asked around.  Turned out, I can use it in a electronic store.  The only thing is, I didn’t like the selection in the only store outside the terminal.  Again, my travel buddy coaxed me to just be done with it and just get whatever is available.  The old me would have followed her.  But, I’ve seen how persistence works so I called the number in my congratulatory letter until my fingers bleed and my sister threatens to block me from her travelling companion list.  Did I budge?  Did I give up? Hell no! (pardon the language but I couldn’t find anything more appropriate)  I asked where the office of the awarding committee is and despite all odds (my irritated sissy & the more irritated information lady), we ventured into the city to find the head honcho so I can talk to him.  I learned from my mentor that if something closes, find another way. Also, she emphasized that the personnels usually can’t make decisions so go for the big guys, they’re usually more accommodating.  To cut to the chase, after almost a day of seek-and-seek and talk-to-any-english speaking-airport personnel, I got a pass to go inside the international airport terminal. Another yay for me!

The Win

I just got my birthday present- a fiercer, more determined and wait for it……………. a more focused me!  Thank you dearest mentor and great job, self! You are getting better!

P.S. Truth be told, silence helped me a lot too but that’s another long story.

 

video from EasyMeditation

6 out of 7

Photo from http://www.wtatennis.com

Not a bad batting average.  Last week, I got 5 over 7. This week, I upped the ante by 15%. Yehey to me!!! "Good job, Karen! I know you missed your goal by a slight margin (1 point to be exact), but it's ok.  The good thing is, you are improving. I am definite that you will hit it this week".

Yes, I just reaffirmed myself.  To be honest, I wrote it with a slightly heavy heart.  I really wanted to perfect it this time.  But I didn't.  At crunch time, fear had gotten hold of me.  I couldn't exactly recall what happened.  I just knew that the moment I felt that the prize is so near, I cowered.  I got scared of succeeding and so I was paralyzed into inaction.

A life coach many years back said that I tend to sabotage myself when succcess looms in the corner.  Like a mission impossible message, I had this propensity to self-destruct when the goal's almost accomplished.  I couldn't pinpoint why I do this.  I just knew that I succumb to fear when I'm about to throw the winning shot.

They say fear is like having a mouse inside your heart.  Your heart just goes tug-tug and you end up pacing back and forth with sweaty palms, perplexed about what to do.  Fear is that little voice inside your head saying, "You can't do it!".  It skillfully narrates all the things that could go wrong and explains in detail why you are not enough or not worthy.  Fear puts a humongous wall between you and your dream.  It holds one captive inside his own comfort zone.

True, I don't know what's out there.  How I wish I can just disappear into oblivion to escape the huge task in front of me.  But, I don't want to forever guess what could have been and  I want to see how far I can go. So, I am determined to just do this- no matter what!


                                           video from bkwsuglasgow

Life in a blender

picture from http://www.karenwyattmd.com

What do you do when life throws you lemons?
They say make lemonade
I say, "Dodge!"
Duh?!

What if it's a lemon avalanche?
Wikihow says swim and try to stay near the surface
I say, "I'm clueless, I just hope I survive."
Huh....(deep sigh)

It happens
Storms strike at the most unholy hours
The whole of your world goes spinning
Aaaaargggh!!!!

I don't understand
No, I refuse to accept
Life can go haywire
Hmmmm....

Things don't go as planned
Setbacks happen
Or worse, things fall apart
Ooops!

Have you ever tasted the nearness of success with added spoonfuls of fear?
How about truckloads of expectations masquerading itself as tough love?
It's disgusting, let me tell you
Yuck!

People go crazy
Dreams elude even the most persistent
Happily ever after seems so far away
Well...

Whatever, I'll still push on!