I’ve Conquered the Green-Eyed Monster

Photo from http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com

They say that Madhuban (how we fondly call the university for raja yoga students in Mount Abu, India) is like a hall of mirrors.  I cannot agree more.  I think that the atmosphere supports one’s deep desire for introspection.  Also, being away from everything else allows an individual to focus solely on the self.  The thing with a mirror is, it never lies.  It shows both the beauty and ugliness of the viewer. 

The Beast

Two years ago, when I came for my retreat, this attention-seeking and jealous behavior suddenly showed up.  I would envy the students whom the dadis (senior sisters) know really well.  I would feel a tinge of jealousy when they are called up front or mentioned in the classes and sometimes “poor little me” feelings popped up.

It’s like a coin-sized mark in the lower portion of a crisp white shirt which had gone unnoticed for the longest time.  I do not like it one bit and the only reasonable next step is to erase it.  Meditation allows me to do just that.  But like a hard stain, it doesn’t fade very easily.  So, I have to soak the shirt in beautiful thoughts, rinse it with pure wishes and make sure that I stay under the Source of all good things.

Slaying the Green-eyed Monster

This year my test came.  I was in Madhuban with a very friendly, humorous and cheerful buddy.  She was a stark opposite to my pensive and quiet nature.  While I preferred to eat alone, she would gather everyone together, engage them in chit-chats and direct group pictures.  Whilst I would ask questions and listen during conversations, she, on the other hand, would cracks jokes and entertain everyone with her funny antics.  While I enjoyed sitting down with my thoughts, she would run around helping everyone- guiding the new students around, cooking delicious non-Indian food (it’s really nice to eat something else every once in a while) and taking videos and pictures for others.  Almost everyone knew her and praises her to no-end.  

I was checking how I’m feeling amidst all these and I’m surprised that it didn’t bother me one bit.  I wasn’t looking for anyone’s approval or seeking praises.  I was perfectly fine with her taking the spotlight.  I finally understood that I am who I am and she is who she is.  

Everyone in the world has a different role to play and each of our parts is equally important.  We need go-getters as well as think tanks, relationship people as well as intuitive ones, organizers and those who implement.  No one’s role is any less than the other.  There’s really no need to get jealous.

“All the world’s a stage, All the men and women merely players."   -William Shakespeare
 Photo from http://www.thehindu.com  

Meet My Surrogate Mother in India

Dadi Janki, the 97 year old administrative head of Brahma Kumaris
Photo from http://www.lokvani.com

She entered the hall like a child- eyes sparkling, hands clasped, and voice excitedly greeting all the 200 students of raja yoga from various parts of the world.  Dadi Janki, the 97 years old administrative head of the Brahma Kumaris left the gathering of 24,000 meditators from India at Shantivan, the largest complex by the foot of Mount Abu, Rajasthan, India to meet the a few hundred yogis at Pandav Bhawan, the first and smallest of the three campuses in Rajasthan which rests on top of the mountain.  Such is this leader of one of the world’s largest volunteer organization, she personally sees to it that each one is taken cared of.

In Hindi dadi means senior sister, but she was more of a mother to meditation students in 130 countries.  The evening she met with us, she told us of stories of the early days of the yagya (gathering).  Before bidding us good night, she handed each one of us ice cream with special mango slices (she specifically asked the kitchen to reserve it for the foreign students).  The next day, she sneaked in time in her busy schedule to meet the group again before heading back to the huge gathering in Shantivan.  This time she brought another gift- a book she authored. 

Words for the World

In her newly released book, Words for the World, Dadi Janki provokes the reader.  She asks, are you the soul who “who plods through life, carrying a burden, as if forced?  Or are you free?”.  She also states that the devil is inside of us.  Contrary to the belief that the devil lurks out there, she says that it is “linked to our faulty personality traits”.

Moreover, she demystifies the absurdities in the world.  She reasons that depression persists because “we no longer have enough material to keep our thoughts good”.  She explains that insecurity thrives because of too much dependence, pointing out that “so much power of the soul/self has been lost that people are hardly able to enjoy being alone”.  She underlines that the falsehood, loneliness, emptiness, and violence in the society is a result of deviating from our inner truth.

Then, she presents the solution- “charge the mind”.  She prescribes “developing one’s inner stability” through meditation.  She encourages the reader to remember the Supreme Father and through this receive the power to “put a brake on thoughts” which are wandering here and there.  She invites everyone to go into silence to be cognizant of the mechanism of our mind and observe the trappings of negative and unnecessary thoughts.  Silence then allows one to move away from the wrong way of thinking because it is in contemplation that we discover our inner treasures.

 

Beyond Words 

Dadi Janki does not sit down and write.  This publication like most of her previous works is a compilation of the classes she gives around the world.  She does not want to be called a speaker though, she says she merely shares what she has experienced in her spiritual practice.  

I stand in awe of this 97 year old jet-setting yogi.  She speaks with such child-like animation and enthusiam and yet commands an international volunteer organization with mastery and precision.   As I eat my ice cream, I watch her give instructions to the senior teachers and inquire about the whereabouts of things to be accomplished as they take their turn to get their toli (sweet).  At such a senior age, she is tireless.  She met us for chit-chat at 9pm after a full day, met the senior teachers afterwards until near midnight.  The next day she was at the hall at 4am conducting meditation, giving class after breakfast, then traveling back to the campus by the foot of the mountain (by car but it's not an easy 1-hour ride given the zigzag road) to conduct more classes to the local students.  

Indeed as described in her book, Dadi Janki provides a working leadership model for all those seeking to integrate both male and female qualities into their personal and professional lives.

'Never lose your happiness'

Happy yogis BK Agnes and BK Roshni in front of Om Shanti Bhawan, Mount Abu, Rajasthan, India

“Write it on your forehead I will stay happy and distribute happiness to others.”

“Bolo”, (repeat) the Teacher said in Hindi.  The crowd of 24,000 chanted in unison “I will stay happy and distribute happiness to others”.

I’m  OK

I’ve been to India for four times to participate in a huge gathering of raja yoga meditation students from all over the globe but this is the happiest meeting I’ve had.  I am not dancing or singing or shouting for joy.  Nor am I laughing out loud or shedding tears of happiness.  There’s simply an inner stability and contentment inside.  The mind is clear and my heart is calm.  I am ok and so is everything else around me.  The stillness is like that of the depths of the ocean.  There are no stirrings of worry or pain, no ripples of expectations, and no waves of sorrow.  I am at peace with myself, nothing is bothering me at all- not the distinct smell of Indian spice floating in the air, or my upset stomach, or even the small space I’m cramped in.  Nothing matters at all because I feel so good inside.

Hold on to your happiness

The Teacher explains, “No matter what situations arise, it should not take away your happiness”. Happiness is my inherent treasure.  I don’t have to search for it, buy it, or even earn it.  All I have to do is keep my happiness.  Often, when a challenge comes I allow it to pull me down.  I let it disturb my calm mind with questions and thoughts of worry.  It shakes my peaceful disposition with feelings of fear, pain, hurt and insecurity.  Then, I lose my happiness because at a time my heart can only hold one thing- either love or fear, joy or pain, healing or hurt, stability or insecurity.  It’s impossible to maintain a positive disposition if there’s a tiny bit of ill feeling. 

“Make the situation small, do not make it big”, He admonishes.  I have the power to mold anything on the basis of my perception of it.  If I complain, resist or judge a circumstance, I make it into a monster which comes back to me and haunts me.  If I accept it and move forward, then I overcome it like a bird flying over a mountain.   

Nothing’s wrong

Being on the path of self-development for more than 3 years has taught me that “whatever is happening is good, whatever has happened is good, what is to happen will be good”.  Therefore, nothing is wrong.  Situations come to test me.  If I pass it, it bestows me gifts- patience, humility, maturity, trust.  Then, I move forward in this game of life stronger.  On the other hand, if I don’t pass the test, I will have to take it again and again until I get the lesson.  It’s like a computer game, I can never progress to a higher level until I finish the lower stage.

He makes it simpler, whatever it is you are going through “just be courageous and you will receive help”.  He adds, “Have constant good wishes and pure feelings for everyone”.  It is very easy to justify why a situation is wrong, look at my weakness, or someone else’s mistakes.  He advises us to see only the beauty in everyone and everything.  I feel that when I am confused, hurt, or angry I’m sending out sharp arrows around me which only hurts others and makes the atmosphere heavy.  But when I trust, accept, move forward, and remain happy I give others space and I send out roses in the air whose fragrance uplifts everyone and any situation.

“Make a firm promise, you will remain happy and share happiness.  There is no nourishment like happiness.  There is so much wonder in happiness”.  He continued, “If you like it, raise your hands”.  I raised three- my two hands and the hand of my heart.

Photo by Agnes Roque

My Beloved

I asked a manly man of 40 years, “Do you know God?”

Instantly, his eyes sparkled and a childish smile 
appeared on his aged face

He did not reply to my query but his face betrayed him

In that moment, he was like a bride reminded of the bridegroom

I knew then, that he knew Him

I knew then, that he had experienced His love

I was jealous

Though I felt I’ve met Him in my solitude

I do not have the same twinkle in my eyes

My heart doesn’t leap nor bounce for joy

I asked then, How much do I know Him?

I asked, How eager am I to know Him more?

At dawn, I awaken with the thought

I want you to be my Beloved and I your Bride

I sat patiently, waiting for an overwhelming feeling

A surge of love from my groom

I wanted to be swept off my feet

I wanted the romance and the fireworks

It did not come

I reminded myself again, “Today, you are my Beloved”

A reply came, “I have loved you ever since”

But the exhilaration I was expecting was not there

Instead, all my questions disappeared

In its place was a certain knowing that I am loved

Days passed

I was still waiting for the grand gesture

None came

Instead, I felt a constancy that He is there 
and He will never leave me

I was  waiting for the fireworks

Nothing of that sort occurred

In its place was deep stillness and security

More days had gone by

I had forgotten my expectations and demands

I sat and whispered, “Can you be my Beloved?”

Then, it happened

A song played, ”Let me love you

I will be here until you learn to love yourself”

Then, I felt it

Like a huge wave washing over me

A deep, overwhelming feeling of being loved

I felt He’s been there all along

I just couldn’t understand Him

Because I did not love myself enough to be loved

Then, I knew

I have to let the love in

First by holding myself in such a high esteem

Give it all the fireworks and grand gestures

Play the violin and shower the rose petals

Then, I can let God in my heart

Photo from http://brahmaribhagwan.blogspot.com

He Said, She Said

I melt at your gaze

You look at me so lovingly…so gently

As if I am special

As if you know me more than I know myself

You don’t see me as I am at the moment

You see what I could become

You see who I truly am

It’s intriguing

How you place me in such a pedestal

One which I don’t think I don’t even deserve

But, you believe in me more than I believe in myself

Your glance tells me so many beautiful things

You are lovely

You are pure

You are beautiful

You are perfect

Like a little sapling, I am struggling to live in a parched land

You pluck me out of the burning sun

And give me refuge

Under your refreshing canopy

You do not like to see me struggling

It pains you that I weep

Your only wish for me is to be happy

And you’d run faster than a rocket to save me

I look back at you, still doubtful

Who am I to deserve such love

You look back saying, You are mine

I’ve always dreamed of the perfect love

Told myself, if it’s not forever, it not worth it

I hear a whisper, I have loved you ever since

Since time immemorial, thousands and thousands of years back

I’ve always been here for you

You have merely forgotten

I peer into your eyes

And I see my best reflection

You never look at my folly and stains

You only hold the highest vision of me

You only behold the gem

You go past all the outer coverings- the layers and layers of rock

Which I have mistaken to be a part of me

Unknown to me, your warmth has chipped away the cover

Now, I too can see the diamond

I am truly like you

I am beautiful

I am lovely

I am perfect

I am yours

Photo from the facebook page of  BrahmaKumaris India

When I Die

Two days before leaving the meditation campus in Mount Abu, Rajasthan, India we were informed of the passing of two senior yogis who served as pillars of the yagya (gathering).  That incident made me think about the eventuality of my own death.

When I die

Weep not for me for it is not my end

It simply means that my role with you has finished

And I have to move on to my next one

It is good

When I die

Please celebrate

Sing, dance and be merry

For I am happy that I have gone

It is time

When I die

Miss me not

Go on with your journey

I have to cross another path

But in due time, we shall meet again

When I die

I wish that my case be burned

And my ashes thrown by the Lake Nakki

My spirit has flown off

The humus has to return back to its land

Wherever my next destination may be

Know that I am well

In this life, I have attained what I have been looking for

I am content

My hope is that you find it too

Nakki Lake in Rajasthan India, where I want my ashes to be thrown

The World is Ganging Up on Me

Photo from http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com

Let me be clear- I write for me and not for anybody else.  I don't talk about my take on the world, I prefer to look into my inner realm.  I don't really care if it's relevant to any other person, but as long as it's pertinent to me then I'll dig into it.

It's a Conspiracy
Now tell me, why is everyone pushing me to submit these scribbles to respected print and online publications?  First, there's my writer-friend, who's a published author and a regular contributor to an online magazine.  She's been coming to the apartment every weekend, and every time she visits she asks if I've submitted my articles to the same magazine she contributes to.  I always tell her I'd try but I've been putting it off for the longest time.  She used to be the only one nudging me to share to a bigger audience but recently everywhere I look I get the same message.  I wonder if the universe is playing a game with me again or is it really just being insistent?

Incidentally, another journalist-buddy stayed in our place for a couple of days.  This morning, out of the blue, she suggested that I send in articles for her national broadsheet as well.  Apparently, she had read this blog.  Again, I gave my excuses, "But, these are simply my reflections on my journey in life.  I do this for me, actually.  It helps me process myself.  I'm not really a writer".  She was adamant, "Some people may probably be going through the same thing.  Your insights can help them".  "Let's see", I noncommitally retorted.  Barely an hour passed, when I picked up the newspaper (which I rarely do), only to find an article which declares, "Communicate to change the world".  I read it but decided to brush off the idea.  I tried to sleep instead.  But since, it's 10am in the morning I couldn't.  So, I opened the boob tube (another activity I try to avoid as much as possible).  Lo and behold, I was directed to a show about a young girl who's about to land a publishing book deal using her journal entries.  Can the universe be anymore blatant?!

A Confession
A conversation from the other day suddenly popped out on the screen of my mind.  Over coffee, I asked another pal when she'll be back from her vacation.  "I don't know", she said.  "I never plan. I just flow"  (She can afford to do that, she doesn't need to work).  Then, I inquired about her planned art exhibit.  She repeated her answer, "I've spoken to a gallery manager already but as to the exact date, I don't know.  When the timing's right, then it will happen.  I never plan. I just flow with life's drama".

Remembering her replies shook me up.  Here I am, being guided to an avenue to express myself and probably help others, but I'm acting like a constipated jerk resisting it because it's not in my agenda.  My coffee buddy's right, why not flow? 

                         One Minute Meditation- Unlimited Possibilities by EasyMeditation 

Thinking Positively Works!

Picture from http://psychcentral.com

Ever since I decided to bid adieu to the infamous truck (Please see The Garbage Truck Has Been Stalking Me if you don't know what I'm talking about), I never came face to face with the stinky vehicle again.

Good job!
Kudos, self! You drove the truck away!  I vow that I shall never never never (for emphasis) waddle in waste thoughts again.  To seal the deal, I gave myself specific thoughts to think about daily.  "It's ok, everything's fine." or  "I'm taking responsibility for healing myself".  I also pick 3-4 points to ponder from my meditation class.  I really keep my mind busy on focusing, experiencing, or reflecting on pure, positive, and beneficial thoughts throughout the day.  (I'll tell you in on a secret, it's impossible to keep the mind blank.  It's occupation is to think, think, and think some more.  The key is to guide it to hold on to the right things.) So, if I see it going elsewhere, I gently redirect it back to it's assignment for the day.

Anatomy of Complaints
Now that I'm ok, I gathered my learnings while I was immersed in the mud of negativity.  For now, I'd like to focus on the three things I deduced about complaints.

1. Whenever I complain about something or someone. It's never about them. In reality, there's something lacking inside me.  Complaining is the red flag that tells me I am unhappy.
2. Then, when I don't feel good about myself, I try to look for happiness outside.  Like a half-filled canister, I yak and yak about my misfortune and I go around begging for other people's sympathy.
3. As I continue to evade the issue, I may even go as far as projecting my unhappiness to others.  I point out their mistakes and faults.  I am unhappy, so no one should be happy.  

What happens then
If left unchecked, then I move along my life taking support from others or scarring other people.  Like the garbage truck, I spread repulsive, heavy and peaceless vibration everywhere I go- whether it be my  home, or workplace.  This consequently, attracts more adversities, leaving me in a deeper hole. 

My hope is that, we wake up soon enough before we dig our own graves.  All it takes, is a matter of attention and a determination to shift our mode of thinking.
  

Meditation Commentary on Positive Focus by EasyMeditation

  

The Garbage Truck Has Been Stalking Me

No kidding, for the last 3 months, not a day passes without me coming across it- even on a Sunday!  The universe really has a funny way of teaching me.  Last time, the angry bird followed me to India.  Now, this persistent visits by no less than the stinkiest of automobiles.

Even if I walk with my eyes closed, my nose can never ever ignore the smell of the humongous pile of junk dumped in a moving vehicle.  Often, it greets me good morning as I walk home from my early morning meditation class.  What makes it more of an ordeal is that I cannot ask for a restraining order from it or even negotiate that it skips my block.  Sometimes in my mind I fathom, "Would you stop when I write about you?".

The Mind Game
Of course, I did not get any reply.  And for the past quarter, I could not think of anything relevant to say about my newly found acquaintance- until of late.  I realized that the old truck has been haunting me only to remind me of the rancid wasteful thoughts I have been heedlessly accumulating.  You see, I had been battling with a disease which makes me feel weak and tired easily.  I had to give up my Tagaytay weekends and football training (supervising mostly) for it.  More so, I would feel so drained that I would have no energy to do anything else after a full workday (8am-5pm).  For a hyperactive person who's used to juggling dozens of jobs (2-3), hobbies (2-infinity), and advocacies (2-3), it is a nightmare.  

I've trained my mind to look at circumstances positively.  There's always a gift after a storm, I frequently admonish.  However, once in awhile the regrets and complaints come in.  "I am too young to feel so old.  I missed my usual 3-day weekends by the Taal ridge.  I used to work hard and play hard."

Then the questions, "Why? Will I get my die-at-33 wish? How come this had to happen?  Do I have to retire now?"  Followed by more questions.  "What will I do if I can no longer work?  How will I be able to take care of myself?  How can I prepare for the eventually of death?"

If left wandering, my mind either goes to I-used-to-be happy mode or what-will-happen-if speculations.  The illness triggered  the massive rush of waste thoughts.  Looking back, more than anything, I felt that the barrage of negativity largely contributed to the tiredness I felt.  It was too great, that I literally attracted the garbage truck to meet me daily.

I Dare You to Stop
Truth be told, what I have is a mere vitamin deficiency- nothing chronic really.  The sad part is I allowed it to drag me into a pity-me charade, back to the past drama, and fortune-telling sessions.

This very moment, I say, "No more!"  to ruminating about the past or the future.  These ifs, what could haves, buts, and whys shall touch me no more.  If I have to bid my life adieu then so be it.  But, "I will not go gentle into that good night".  As Dylan Thomas eloquently put it, "I shall rage, rage against the dying of the light." (Too melodramatic? I know.)  So, from this day forward, I shall hold my precious precious time like the gold present it is.  Goodbye dump truck!

cartoon from http://www.reverendfun.com

Why I've Stopped Looking at Others

I used to have a dance group.  We were a threesome, a 19-year old chatty teenager, a 55-year old baker who thinks she's still young, and me, the 30-year old yuppie.  It was an odd group but we get along and we all enjoy dancing in our living room-studio.  One day, we all decided to go to a real studio and enroll in a hip hop class.

At the dance floor, youngsters sprawled with their different cliques.  A blond-haired guy with an Indonesian twang greeted everybody and signaled the start of the session.  He started teaching us the routine where there's a new step for every single count.  Each word in the song had a different strut.  It was like doing a fast interpretative dance with a jumps, bounces, and turns.  In our little dance group, I was accustomed to a single stride for every 8 beats and we would repeat it for the nth time until everyone gets it.  Here, the teacher demonstrated the move once and then we have 2-3 tries to master it before the next one.  This was so out of my league.  I concentrated 110% to catch up.  I had no time to assist my 55-year old friend, ask for cues from my teenager pal, or watch the other dancers.  Everyone vanished from my view.  Like a horse with blinders, I only focused on following the dance instructor and doing the piece perfectly.
 
I think it's the same when one embarks on a path of self-development.  Looking at others and commenting on how they live their life takes away my time for introspection, prayer and reflection.  In the end, it's how I live my life that matters.  So, I only need to fix my gaze on the Supreme Teacher and check if I'm following His directions accurately.  Then, I have a better chance of acing my dance routine in this life.