An Attempt at Vulnerability

"You always put on a brave front", said an old friend.  

"You know, it's ok to be vulnerable too.", she advised.

"I'm a softie. I can't even raise my voice even when I'm angry.", I countered.

"True but you're stubborn as hell.  Once you set your mind on something, you do everything to make it happen", she argued.

"So, what's wrong with that?", I asked.

"You don't need to do everything.  It's ok to ask for help.", she replied.

So, here's my attempt at vulnerability. Let me tell you a story...

image from parkinsinteriors.com

Three years ago, Special Achievers, an NGO for children and youth with disability I co-founded with colleagues Dana Salonga, Dane Raymundo and Pey Abdulwahid went to San Jose Elementary School, a public school in Rodriguez, Rizal and organized a fair for their SPED students in cooperation with Natimars Foundation. 

We brought in athletes, visual artists, clay artists, musicians and dancers in the school.  The students were allowed to try out the different arts and sports with the supervision of their parents and SPED teachers.

* All photos by Cris Legaspi


It was truly a fun-filled day! 

After a month, we came back and talked to the parents about what they think of the program and they told us how their children’s self-confidence and independence improved as a result of the activity.

“My son baked clay artworks in the oven during the fair.  After your activity, he would use the oven toaster home.  Eventually, he even helped out in cooking.”, related a mom.

Given the positive response of the parents and the enthusiasm we saw in the kids’, we promised to go back and run the program for at least a year.

“We just need to work on our funding.”, we told them.

However, we've never gotten around to it.  

Other projects came in the way. We also got busy with our day jobs. (At the moment, Special Achievers is a passion project and the core team are all volunteers.)

This year marks the third year since we promised, “We shall return”.

This promise haunts us every now and then.  So, we told ourselves that we will make it happen this year- no matter what.

Special Achievers received some funding- but not enough for the logistics required for us to travel to far flung Rodriguez, Rizal.  So for now, we opted to run the program in a school in the metro.

We were able to organize a great team, half of which took a massive pay cut and half of which are volunteers- but all committed to make the project happen.

Special Achievers brought in professionals in dance, music, visual arts, creative theatre and chocolate making at San Antonio National High School, a public school in Makati to train select SPED students.

SPED teachers, volunteer occupational therapists and speech pathologists collaborate with and assist the mentors.

The parents were also consulted and given free training for four sessions prior to the start of the program.

We have enough to run the program for 12 sessions- but we need more funding to finish the documentary so this small program can reach the world.

We’ve stretched, negotiated, settled and practically did everything we could to make it happen- but it’s still not enough.

We’ve been told, "If you think you've done everything you could, then do something more,”

And so now, we ask you, “Can you please help us help children and youth with disability?"   

https://www.thesparkproject.com/project/may-kagalingan-a-documentary-of-sped-students-pursuit-of-the-arts

This is our something more.

                                          thesparkproject.com

On finding balance

“Your eyes look tired”, a close friend told me.

“I am tired”, I confided.

You see I’ve been taking care of a baby in the last 5 months and it’s taking all of my time (and resources). 

To be honest, I hardly have time for myself these days.

I have to attend to the baby- before work, after work & almost all of my free time.  This one is so needy- I’ve been giving up my me-time, exercise, sleep and (sometimes) even eating for it.

I am very very (twice for emphasis) excited about it though.  It has always been my dream to bring the arts and prevocational skills to SPED students in the public school.  Here, take a look ...     

Chef Nory San Juan teaching chocolate making

Theatre actor and director Karl Jingco teaching creative theatre

Music coach Monique Pereda with her students

Sindaw Dance Company's Rod Valencia teaching dance

Artist Raisa Perez teaching visual arts

I have a tendency to lose myself in projects that I love though.  If this is gambling- I’m all in.  If it’s war, I’m most likely the suicide bomber (a personality test I once took affirms this).   

So, I sat with myself and drafted some non-negotiables when I sensed that I’m getting off-balanced. 

1. Meditate in the early morning and 

before sleeping

I never like rushing into the day.  You know those days when you miss your alarm, run like crazy through your morning routine and rush out of the house in a frenzy. 

So, I told myself, “Hey, no matter how busy you are and whatever happens (even if hell breaks loose)- sit down for meditation to start and end the day”.

At times, things really get topsy-turvy during the day but when I start my day right I don’t get fazed. 

“Think of the highlights of your day- moments and situations worth celebrating before you cap the night.”, adviced a senior yogi.

True enough, when I clear my head and think of things worth celebrating before sleeping, I wake up refreshed and alert in the morning.

2. Take care of myself during 

my times-in-between

I don’t have the luxury of time these days.  So, I make sure I use my times-in-between very wisely.  I meditate during bath times and commutes.  I listen to classes while washing the dishes or in the rare times that I cook.  I do moving meditation during yin or vinyasa yoga class or walks.

3. Have a date with myself 

at least once a week

I’ve always enjoyed my company. I really like talking to myself over coffee or tea. So, when I can squeeze in a break or when things get rough, I sneak out for a quick chit-chat with myself. 

Lately, my self-talk has been positive. “You can do it!” or “You’re almost there”, my inner voice tells me whenever we talk about the project.  (It hasn’t always been like that though. I guess, nurturing my spirit is finally paying off).  Sometimes, I just check-in to see what I feel.  And there are moments when I just sit quietly- enjoying the silence and doing nothing.    

Recently, I learned that when things get tough, the tough gets going by taking regular time out (no many how short) to take care of the self.

If you want to learn how to take care of yourself too or how to meditate, a visiting senior yogi based in Canada might be of help.

Register here for her FREE TALK IN MAKATI





Register here for her FREE TALK IN QUEZON CITY

Note to self

It took quite awhile for my anger to subside.  And when it did, I took small steps towards change. 

And, I learned some lessons along the way.

Image by Kristina Swarner

People will disappoint you

Though how well-meaning they may seem

They are not robots

They cannot or will not do things 

Exactly as you expect them to

Be accommodating

People will hurt you

Even if they don't want to

Even if they love you

They sometimes forget

Or they get too attached to you

Let go

People will not always like you

They are as fickle as the weather

It's not about you

It's about them 

But they bounce it off to you

Don't mind them

The good thing is

People can change

Like seasons

People can evolve

Like caterpillars

Or butterflies (if you're a pessimist)

Give them space

Allow them to be who they choose to be

And remain stable in who you are

Don't let them shake you

Be a rock

Be their rock

Meditation by Release Your Wings

P.S.  If you're going through some tough 

times or if simply you want to build resilience, 

this might help. 

Register here

The Red Monster Came Out of Hiding

The journey to self love and healing did not happen overnight.

First, I had to call out my enemy.  

image from medium.com

I have waged war against the television, waste thoughts and even laziness and won.  


I was happily resting on my laurels, proud of what I have accomplished when the red monster crept in from behind and attacked me.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, and so brilliantly strategized.  I was held captive.


The fearsome enemy sneaked unnoticed for years.  It was slowly and secretly building its arsenal and strength. 

image from wikihow

Everytime I choose to keep quiet and follow orders I  do not understand, it becomes stronger.   Whenever I evade the issue and hide in my room, it keeps me company. In the moments I believe that "I cannot do anything right.", it grows bolder.  When I say yes even when in my head I'm screaming "No!", it bellows its evil laugh.  


It masks itself as the keeper of peace.  It's best to agree than cause disharmony, it admonishes.  It says simply blow a wish and everything will be ok.  It cares not if one feels hurt or low. It simply shrugs the inner turmoil and pretends everything is ok (even if it's not). 

image from pinterest

I never thought, I've been feeding the monster of anger for so long.  Not until, I felt so weak I think I'll die.  


In one conversation with friends, it suddenly popped up.  I realized I was so angry, I feel drained.  I was so angry, I'm driving myself to death.  I was so angry, I succumb to depression.


It's been there all along but I have ignored it.  Now, the monster's finally out and I stare into its red hot face.


I have been told that this will happen.  I often hear it in meditation class, "As in ayurvedic medicine, all the illnesses will erupt before it gets better".  

Sister Denise, a senior yogi based in India says that my monsters have  to come out so I can eradicate it.  Then, I will get stronger and tread through life lighter having eliminated the excess baggage.  


Contrary to popular belief that the devil lurks outside, in spirituality, I am taught that I have to drive out the monsters inside of me and extinguish it.  So, I can move closer to my true being- one that is filled with power, peace, purity, love and bliss.


Ok then, let the fight begin. 

image from buzzfeed

And fight the red monster, I did.  

                                              

                                           Meditation on Releasing Anger

 


Now 4 years later, having won my inner battle, I'd like to reach out and help others fight their own monsters.  (Wait, have you identified what your monster is?)  Let me walk you through it in this forum on coping with depression.

Register here

  

OMG! I think was depressed some few years back

I was looking for a photo and so I reviewed my old posts.  I came across this entry from 2014.  It  reminded me of a point in my life when I got depressed. OMG, I totally forgot that phase.

image from alwayslonliness

"You hurt me!", this was my battle cry the whole week I succumbed to depression.


I was angry


I had been keeping in all of my angst for years and one day it just blew up in front of my face.  I felt so angry, I don't know what to do.  So, for a week I locked myself in my room and wallowed in misery ( but I would come down twice a day to eat and yell at the dog- to let my anger out).

I generally keep everything in check except for my hurts. I look at my thoughts, my behavior and my response to things. But, when someone attacks me (confronts, backstabs or fights me), I automatically shut down and feel numb.  I come from a squishy home where my parents have always been very supportive and  protective.  I work in lala land where office politics is unheard of.  So, when I come across mean people, I freeze.

image from lenonhonor.com

I didn't stand up for myself


I spoke to a senior yogi about this.  She  asked, " What do you do when someone doesn't like you or fights with you?"  


"I meditate", I replied. 


"You're not defending yourself!", she answered back.

I have been defenseless for years.  So all the hurt, anger and pain were kept in the inner recesses of my heart.  One day, it came out and swallowed me whole.


I'm so angry at so many people, I don't want to see them.  

image by culturacolectiva.com

I wallowed in my pain


So, I went back home (I don't live with my family) and locked myself up.  In my room, I cried and  blamed everyone who hurt me. 


"Why are they so mean?", I asked. 


"Why didn't someone point this out to me early on."  


I did this blaming game day in and day out for seven days until I realize that I can't blame people for being who they are. 


They are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, yes.  But, there's no way I can change them.  


Even if I plead, "Can you please change because you're encroaching on my space?"  I doubt if they'll transform in an instant simply to accommodate me.  


People have their own issues and  personalities.  I have no control over that.  And, sadly, I don't live in a perfect world with angels and saints.  

There will always be difficult people. The only thing I can do is to toughen up and learn to master the art of standing up for myself. 

image from cloudarticles

I took responsibility

In the end, I realized that I am to blame.  I hurt myself because I allowed others to hurt me.  

Now, I have to power up! 

Meditation on Power by Release Your Wings

After 4 years, I did power up and now I can talk about how to deal with anxiety and depression.  But, I prefer walking you through it.  Join me and my friends in this forum on depression and the journey to self love and healing.

Register here