Feeling guilty doesn't work

image from www.usc.edu

Madhuban is like a hall of mirrors.  The atmosphere and the tapasya (intense meditation) allow one to look at the self squarely.

Often, I get a glimpse of my true inner beauty whilst in yoga. Sometimes, the beast inside me comes out as well.

My waterloo has always been accuracy.  I usually come to the bhattis (group meditation) and classes 5-10 minutes late.

So, in the two weeks that I was in the academy, I disciplined myself to be punctual.  I was able keep my goal 80% of the time despite my persistent cough & colds and the entertaining scenarios which suddenly pops up.

I was very happy with my effort, when on the way my back home I made a grave mistake.  I thought that our plane leaves at 4.30 in the afternoon, instead of 4.30 in the morning.

It was good that one of my travel companions couldn't understand the itinerary and checked out the flight details again.  I only realized my mistake when she showed me the ticket.

I expresssed my apologies to my two companions and immediately fixed our departure time with the  local guide who will bring us to the airport the next day.        

"I clarified with you if it's am or pm earlier!", he jokingly grunted while pretending to knock on my forehead with his fist.  "You were right. I'm sorry", I sheepishly answered.

When I went back to our room, my two travel buddies kept on teasing me about the mistake. I couldn't blame them. One of them was still trying to book a day tour for the next day while the other one hadn't packed her suitcase yet. "What would happen if the itinerary wasn't checked?," they asked.  "We couldn't just charge this one to experience.  We will have to charge the tickets to your bank account if ever.", they rattled on.

It became an inside joke amongst the three of us.  It would come up unexpectedly in the 28 hour journey back to Manila.

I only allowed myself to feel guilty for only one second though.  Sr. Denise Lawrence, one of the senior teachers, mentioned in her class that feeling guilty never works.  It only keeps you stuck in the situation.  "Just feel guilty for a second, that's enough time to teach you not to make the mistake again and then move forward."

That's exactly what I did and I was able to keep my happiness.

On keeping one's happiness

Everything that could go wrong did go wrong but I never let go of my happiness.

Two years ago, when I went to India I made a promise to hold on to my happiness- no matter what happens.  As if to test if I really meant this, my recent trip this year was like Ulysses' journey to Ithaca. I encountered so many monsters and challenges along the way.

Every time a situation comes up, I chant this mantra in my head over and over "I will keep my happiness. I will keep my happiness".

Series of Unfortunate Events
On our way to the airport, my travel companion was getting irritated because all the gates out of the village were closed.  We were going around in circles for 30 minutes.  We were lucky that our taxi driver was very composed.  I kept my calm too and  we arrived at the airport prior to the boarding time.

We scheduled a 2 day side trip in Bangkok.  However, we were billeted in the meditation center outside the city which makes traveling quite tedious.  Traffic in Bangkok is worse than Manila- even on a Saturday.  Though we know where to go, it was difficult to navigate around the city because of my topographical disorientation.  My other travel companions were relying on me, the map and my research.  When we ask the locals for help we cannot understand each other (most of  the locals don't speak English).  I felt though that I'm in an episode of Amazing Race but I enjoyed the adventure.  Moreover, staying in the meditation center allowed me to interact with the local students, engage in spiritual discourse and sample the local vegetarian cuisine (I only eat food prepared by raja yoga practitioners).  

When we got to India, our luggages were missing.  Our local guide said, "How inconvenient for you.".  I replied with a smiling face, "I didn't lose my happiness though".  We went back to the airport four hours after our arrival, and we were able to pick up all of our baggages.

At the academy in Mount Abu, we bathe in spiritual study and meditation for two weeks. However, our personal meeting with the most senior teacher was cancelled.  In the same way that Catholics go to the Vatican to meet the pope, students from 137 countries go to India for a single meeting with the teacher.  The 500 students from 50 countries and 25,000 students from India at that time were a little disappointed. Again, I psyched myself "whatever is happening is good".  On the day of the scheduled meeting, we were able to have an unexpected video conference with him.  It only lasted for 5 minutes but it made my journey to India complete.

The lesson
"Experience any upheaval as though you are watching a cartoon show", was the teacher's opening statement.

I was nodding my head in agreement.  I simply looked at the various situations (there were more actually that I can write a novel) and moved forward.  I did not allow it to influence me, hence, it was unable to pull my enthusiasm down.

"Why do you keep the wrong things in your heart? Why do you take something bad?", he asked.

"Don't keep these things in your heart because you have sat the Father in your heart.", he admonished.

For me, that means I have to keep my heart clean and free from the rubbish of wasteful thinking (Why is this happening? This one did this. The other one did that.).  The Almighty Father can only sit in a pure heart.  Whenever I allow anything bad to enter the space reserved for him, I shoo him away.

Lastly, he said, "Always remain happy and share happiness."

Well, I have kept my happiness and now I am sharing with you.   

Don't trust your feelings

image from easymeditation

"Are you saying that I should not even be happy?", I asked one of my classmates from London who's an expert in being 'emotionally free' (I know, it's a big word. I couldn't grasp it as well. )

"The word should is the problem", she patiently explained.  "We're so used to shoulds and shouldn'ts.  What I am saying is, we have to allow ourselves to be where we are in our journey and we have to give that same space to others as well."

"What do you mean?", I asked.

"People nowadays are ruled by their emotions.  For example, for us who are on the path of self-development, all too often we are upset with ourselves because we are not where we want to be in terms of progress.  Do you think getting upset will help us?"

"No", I quickly replied.  "All the more that we'll get stuck", I added.

"Correct.  Aside from that, it is very easy to get upset with others.  This one did not do this.  That one did that in this manner.  Do you think that's helpful?"

"No.  I've actually experienced being judged and it felt as though there are invisible cobwebs in the air which constrains me.  I feel pressured which makes it more difficult for me to change."

"Therefore, since the slightest irritation isn't beneficial, there's no need to go there.  What helps me a lot are these three buzz words: ACCEPTANCE, TRUST & FLOW."

"So, you mean a lot of space.", I clarified.

"Exactly", she retorted.

"I think it's the same with the positive feelings, too.  I was told of a story of Dadi Gulzar watching the sunset with the meditation students from Baguio.  All the students were oohing and aahing, extolling how beautiful the view is.  Dadi with a flat affect merely said, "It is good."", I countered.

"But that doesn't mean that the students were bad.  That's simply where they are.", she commented.

"Yeah, respect every being and where they are in their journey, right?  But, I think being happy with the sunset today can sway the students.  If the sunset is not that good the next day, they'll miss it and feel sad.", I said.

"I think you're getting it.  The thing with feelings is it can swing from one end to the other without warning.  It is very fickle.  If you rely on this alone, then you too become like a pendulum swinging from one end to the other.", she explained.

"What should I trust then?", I asked.

"Trust your intuition, your intellect, your better judgment.", she answered.

The Ring

Dadi Gulzar giving drishti (spiritual vision)  

I sneaked in at the back of the hall.  A ring ceremony was under way.  This event was specially for students who are first timers in Madhuban which doesn't include me.  I simply came to get a replacement for the ring I lost.

The students from different countries all lined up and waited for their turn to get their gift. From my seat, I was watching a parade of nations- of people with different faces, sizes and skin colors. Everyone has the same twinkle in their eyes though and a distinct happiness.  Some were overly excited.  They were walking down the aisle very slowly like a bride, complete with bouquet and hairdress.  On one side are the paparazzis, friends and families who were eagerly waiting for their loved one to go up the stage and be fitted the ceremonial ring.

I was a mere spectator- happily observing the scene and sometimes wondering why some of those who were going down the stage have become very emotional.  I caught one brother wiping his tears away and asked,  "Why are you crying?".  He evaded the issue and said, "I'm not. Some dusts got into my eyes".  (I swear I saw tears running down his eyes like waterfalls.)    

When most of the people have gone.  I went up the stage and whispered to the didi (older sister) giving the ring, "I've lost my ring.  Can I please get another one?"

She did not reply but gently nodded.  While, she was fitting the rings, she gave me a deep drishti (loving spiritual gaze).  I felt that she saw pass my face and right through my soul.  There was instantly a recognition of that part of me which is beautiful and true- that pristine part of my being.  Then she gently placed her hand on top of my hand, and I felt as though my Supreme Father is telling me, "I am here for you, dearest child".  

I felt a tug in my heart and my eyes watered.  Now, I know why they were crying.

How to become an angel

screenshot from youtube

"Very few have such dharna (practice) that they can be called angels.", says Dadi Janki, the 99 year old administrative head of Brahma Kumaris Meditation.

"Always do what is right and others will follow your path.  This is the way to become an angel", she explains.  "Everything that we do, everything that we say and everywhere that we go- all that has to be (aligned to) the truth.", she continues.

Dadi Janki simplifies the truth in three points.

First, remember who you are.  You are a soul, a sparkling star, a spiritual energy.  You have everything you need inside of you: power, peace, purity, happiness and love.

Second, who do you belong to?  You belong to the Supreme Soul, the Father of all souls.  We call Him in different names.  We converse with Him in different manners but we all belong to that One who lives beyond.

Third, know that everything is good.  This is the knowledge of the drama.  Understand that each one is playing his part accurately in this world stage.

She also cautions, "Do not perform actions that are devoid of truth because they will prevent you from becoming an angel.  Be careful of what you think and say because you will increase the burden on your head if you get into negativity."

She clarifies that, "an angel touches the earth only to perform good actions and then he goes beyond".  Therefore she advises, "Remain light and do that which is good."    

Then, she challenges everyone, "Do you have the pure feeling that you should spread peace and love in all four directions?...This is what we need to be doing? Do we have any other work to do?

Dadi Janki, the 99 year old yogi

image from http://brahmakumaris.fr

I change my mind, I don't want to be a monk.  I want to be a yogi like Dadi Janki, the administrative head of Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University.

I had the good fortune of listening to her classes for 5 consecutive days when I was in India. Just like before, she left Shantivan, the campus by the foot of Mount Abu where 24,000 meditation students from India have converged, to attend to 500 foreigners from 50 different countries.

Unlike before though, she had to be wheeled into the stage and  four  people had to help her walk and seat on the gaddi.  She was thinner and paler, too.  Two years ago, when I last saw her, she entered the room by herself with the energy of a toddler. 

However, when she opened her mouth it seems as though a young king is speaking.  She was still very articulate and sharp.  Her voice was filled with so much power that it's a stark contrast to her frailing physique.

"This body has aches and pain everywhere but I am a conqueror of matter", she said with the gusto and strength of an army general. "There may be pain in the body but that is not what I should be focusing on".

Instead she encouraged everybody to remember God.  Like a cheerleader she commanded, "Say from your heart Mithe Baba (Sweet Father), Pyare Baba (Lovely Father), Sukriya Baba (Thank you Father)!".

"By making God our companion, there's an experience of Godly intoxication", she explained. "Stay beyond sound and the more you'll experience His company"

"Enjoy being in solitude. Enjoy being in God's company.", she said with the intoxication of a lover of the One Beloved. 

Then like a strict teacher, she queried with her signature raised eyebrows and wagging finger, "Do you have that inner quietness? that inner silence? Do you experience that solitude?"

"I wish that all of you feel that love (God's love)...it is that love that makes us go beyond these things", she sweetly expressed like a grandmother giving blessings to her grandchildren.

Dadi Janki is truly a yogi, one with a mind that's beyond the material because it is only connected to God.  Her only wish is that everyone feels this deep love of God as well so like her we can fly above the mundane.

Finding balance

photo by Nory San Juan

What day is it?, my travel companion from the Philippines asked.

"I don't know", I answered back.

We're currently in Mount Abu, India often called Madhuban, the land of milk and honey for our annual two week retreat.  Here, everything works like clockwork and everyone's immersed in spiritual study and yoga. (Even the elevator guy has a huge logbook for notes from the daily meditation class.)  

On top of the mountain, we are far away from the demands of work and home.  Deadlines and responsibilities are forgotten and sometimes even the day.

On my way here, I sense that this trip is about finding my balance.  It is so easy for me to push myself to the extreme and then after I use up all my energy, I'd feel so tired that I can't do anything else but rest.  This swinging from one end to the other has to stop.  I need to get to my center.

Being around yogis who are also working on themselves is very conducive.

In the car on our way up to the mountain, we were joined by two meditation students from London.  The conversation turned towards being stable.  Our companion shared, "In this world, there's duality, positive and negative, good and bad. Our goal is to be in the the neutral and not be pulled by any of these two.  Understand and accept that things happen as they should and that people are exactly where they are in their journey."

I think stability comes from the awareness that I am a zero- the one in the middle of the number line.  I don't need anything or anyone to prove my worth.  No one can hurt me or take anything from me.  And, I do not need to comment on how people live their lives or be concerned with the trivialities in the world.  I need to simply stay in the center of the number line and remember that I am a zero.

Now, if I can practice this have to practice over and over again, I think I can find balance.


P.S.  If you want to learn more about finding balance and stress-free living, you are cordially invited to a free program this Wednesday, 6.30-8.30pm at Brahma Kumaris Meditation, Makati, Philippines.  Didi Sudesh, director of the BK meditation centers in Germany & Europe will give a lecture on "Innate Powers for a Worry-Free Life". RSVP 890-7906 or 0927-2808363.