I want to be a monk

A recent weekend retreat made me revisit this long-lost, forgotten dream.

Flashback
Four years ago, on my first trip to the raja yoga's headquarters in India, despite all odds, I squeezed in an appointment with the administrative head to tell her that I want to surrender.  In my head, this meant that when I get back home I will quit my job, leave my family, stay in the meditation center and teach yoga. Like a giddy first-timer, I awaited a favorable response.  However, Dadi Janki, the 93 year old spiritual leader looked at me sternly and said, "Only when you are light and accurate".

Present
At the moment, if I resubmit my application, I think I will still be turned down.  Yes, I am light but I'm not yet accurate.  I've been wondering,  "Why not simply rest on my easy nature?".  After brooding on this, I realize that if I allow myself to be so carefree, I may just fall off the cliff as a result of my carelessness.  Accuracy is the string which allows the kite of lightness to fly.  Without the right discipline, the kite will fall to the ground or go wayward in the vast horizon.  I now understand that a strength ceases to be a strength when it reaches its extreme.  Like a highly organized person without concern or sensitivity for others may turn out to be arrogant and controlling.  A sweet charismatic person without the ability to discern may end up being dependent on people or condoning even of wrong behavior.  Therefore, the right dose of complimentary virtues is required to bring about the best version of me as a strength needs to be balanced by another virtue for it to fully realize its power.  I do need to be light and accurate.

The Plan
Being a monk (that's how I prefer to call the volunteer raja yoga teachers who stay in the meditation centers) is still at the top of my bucket list.  If I ace being accurate, I think I will get it.  Now, as I finish the things I have to finish as I journey towards my goal, I will do this one thing- be on time (for every appointment, meeting, or class) !

I Love You Still

picture from http://www.tumblr.com

"Please lock all the doors before you sleep.", I told her many times over before I retire for the night.  At 3 o'clock in the morning, I woke up with all the doors open- screen door, front door and back door.  Good thing, all our things were still intact and no stranger tried to barge in our house.

"I can get angry at her.", I told myself.  This time my anger is justified!  Awful things could have happened to us. Different scenarios played in my mind but my intellect (the rational part of me) said, "But, nothing happened.  You have just cleared your heart?  Do you want to be heavy again?" (Please see post on this if you don't follow)

"No, I don't want to carry any burden again", so I collected myself and decided to let it go.  I spoke to her calmly about the matter when she woke up.  Then, after breakfast, I thought of the most extraordinary thing- invite her for coffee.

My mind said, "Are you nuts? So, you are rewarding her for putting all of you in danger?!"  My intellect refuted, "I'd like to love her inspite of."  My better judgment won the battle.

When I brought her coffee, I muttered, "My peace offering.  I'm sorry I could sometimes be harsh on you." She said, "Sometimes I need it, Ate (older sister). I can be very stubborn also." "Still, I'm sorry.", I replied.

For the first time in months, she started to share about her plans and dreams.  I let her do the talking while I listened intently- reminding myself not to ask questions or give unsolicited advice.  I was simply there for her- not passing any judgment whatsoever and wishing her well.

I felt I've cleared the air.  I've finally cut the cobwebs which kept her from moving forward.  You see, our negative feelings- anger, fear, resentment, worry or hurt not only clouds our thinking but it also entangles the object of these emotions.  We often think that telling them of the problem is helpful.  Well, it is but only when we come from a space of love.  If we keep on blaming other people for our suffering thinking "you ought to change because you make me very uncomfortable", what we do is simply cramp the person more.  Experience taught me that the best antidote for any conflict, relationship problem or even illness is love. Before calling in the counselor or the ambulance, I learned it's best to give them space to be who they choose to be, accept them for who they are, and love them inspite of.

I love you, little sister.  I know you will be ok soon enough!


                                      video from spotlightvalues