The World is Ganging Up on Me

Photo from http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com

Let me be clear- I write for me and not for anybody else.  I don't talk about my take on the world, I prefer to look into my inner realm.  I don't really care if it's relevant to any other person, but as long as it's pertinent to me then I'll dig into it.

It's a Conspiracy
Now tell me, why is everyone pushing me to submit these scribbles to respected print and online publications?  First, there's my writer-friend, who's a published author and a regular contributor to an online magazine.  She's been coming to the apartment every weekend, and every time she visits she asks if I've submitted my articles to the same magazine she contributes to.  I always tell her I'd try but I've been putting it off for the longest time.  She used to be the only one nudging me to share to a bigger audience but recently everywhere I look I get the same message.  I wonder if the universe is playing a game with me again or is it really just being insistent?

Incidentally, another journalist-buddy stayed in our place for a couple of days.  This morning, out of the blue, she suggested that I send in articles for her national broadsheet as well.  Apparently, she had read this blog.  Again, I gave my excuses, "But, these are simply my reflections on my journey in life.  I do this for me, actually.  It helps me process myself.  I'm not really a writer".  She was adamant, "Some people may probably be going through the same thing.  Your insights can help them".  "Let's see", I noncommitally retorted.  Barely an hour passed, when I picked up the newspaper (which I rarely do), only to find an article which declares, "Communicate to change the world".  I read it but decided to brush off the idea.  I tried to sleep instead.  But since, it's 10am in the morning I couldn't.  So, I opened the boob tube (another activity I try to avoid as much as possible).  Lo and behold, I was directed to a show about a young girl who's about to land a publishing book deal using her journal entries.  Can the universe be anymore blatant?!

A Confession
A conversation from the other day suddenly popped out on the screen of my mind.  Over coffee, I asked another pal when she'll be back from her vacation.  "I don't know", she said.  "I never plan. I just flow"  (She can afford to do that, she doesn't need to work).  Then, I inquired about her planned art exhibit.  She repeated her answer, "I've spoken to a gallery manager already but as to the exact date, I don't know.  When the timing's right, then it will happen.  I never plan. I just flow with life's drama".

Remembering her replies shook me up.  Here I am, being guided to an avenue to express myself and probably help others, but I'm acting like a constipated jerk resisting it because it's not in my agenda.  My coffee buddy's right, why not flow? 

                         One Minute Meditation- Unlimited Possibilities by EasyMeditation 

Thinking Positively Works!

Picture from http://psychcentral.com

Ever since I decided to bid adieu to the infamous truck (Please see The Garbage Truck Has Been Stalking Me if you don't know what I'm talking about), I never came face to face with the stinky vehicle again.

Good job!
Kudos, self! You drove the truck away!  I vow that I shall never never never (for emphasis) waddle in waste thoughts again.  To seal the deal, I gave myself specific thoughts to think about daily.  "It's ok, everything's fine." or  "I'm taking responsibility for healing myself".  I also pick 3-4 points to ponder from my meditation class.  I really keep my mind busy on focusing, experiencing, or reflecting on pure, positive, and beneficial thoughts throughout the day.  (I'll tell you in on a secret, it's impossible to keep the mind blank.  It's occupation is to think, think, and think some more.  The key is to guide it to hold on to the right things.) So, if I see it going elsewhere, I gently redirect it back to it's assignment for the day.

Anatomy of Complaints
Now that I'm ok, I gathered my learnings while I was immersed in the mud of negativity.  For now, I'd like to focus on the three things I deduced about complaints.

1. Whenever I complain about something or someone. It's never about them. In reality, there's something lacking inside me.  Complaining is the red flag that tells me I am unhappy.
2. Then, when I don't feel good about myself, I try to look for happiness outside.  Like a half-filled canister, I yak and yak about my misfortune and I go around begging for other people's sympathy.
3. As I continue to evade the issue, I may even go as far as projecting my unhappiness to others.  I point out their mistakes and faults.  I am unhappy, so no one should be happy.  

What happens then
If left unchecked, then I move along my life taking support from others or scarring other people.  Like the garbage truck, I spread repulsive, heavy and peaceless vibration everywhere I go- whether it be my  home, or workplace.  This consequently, attracts more adversities, leaving me in a deeper hole. 

My hope is that, we wake up soon enough before we dig our own graves.  All it takes, is a matter of attention and a determination to shift our mode of thinking.
  

Meditation Commentary on Positive Focus by EasyMeditation

  

The Garbage Truck Has Been Stalking Me

No kidding, for the last 3 months, not a day passes without me coming across it- even on a Sunday!  The universe really has a funny way of teaching me.  Last time, the angry bird followed me to India.  Now, this persistent visits by no less than the stinkiest of automobiles.

Even if I walk with my eyes closed, my nose can never ever ignore the smell of the humongous pile of junk dumped in a moving vehicle.  Often, it greets me good morning as I walk home from my early morning meditation class.  What makes it more of an ordeal is that I cannot ask for a restraining order from it or even negotiate that it skips my block.  Sometimes in my mind I fathom, "Would you stop when I write about you?".

The Mind Game
Of course, I did not get any reply.  And for the past quarter, I could not think of anything relevant to say about my newly found acquaintance- until of late.  I realized that the old truck has been haunting me only to remind me of the rancid wasteful thoughts I have been heedlessly accumulating.  You see, I had been battling with a disease which makes me feel weak and tired easily.  I had to give up my Tagaytay weekends and football training (supervising mostly) for it.  More so, I would feel so drained that I would have no energy to do anything else after a full workday (8am-5pm).  For a hyperactive person who's used to juggling dozens of jobs (2-3), hobbies (2-infinity), and advocacies (2-3), it is a nightmare.  

I've trained my mind to look at circumstances positively.  There's always a gift after a storm, I frequently admonish.  However, once in awhile the regrets and complaints come in.  "I am too young to feel so old.  I missed my usual 3-day weekends by the Taal ridge.  I used to work hard and play hard."

Then the questions, "Why? Will I get my die-at-33 wish? How come this had to happen?  Do I have to retire now?"  Followed by more questions.  "What will I do if I can no longer work?  How will I be able to take care of myself?  How can I prepare for the eventually of death?"

If left wandering, my mind either goes to I-used-to-be happy mode or what-will-happen-if speculations.  The illness triggered  the massive rush of waste thoughts.  Looking back, more than anything, I felt that the barrage of negativity largely contributed to the tiredness I felt.  It was too great, that I literally attracted the garbage truck to meet me daily.

I Dare You to Stop
Truth be told, what I have is a mere vitamin deficiency- nothing chronic really.  The sad part is I allowed it to drag me into a pity-me charade, back to the past drama, and fortune-telling sessions.

This very moment, I say, "No more!"  to ruminating about the past or the future.  These ifs, what could haves, buts, and whys shall touch me no more.  If I have to bid my life adieu then so be it.  But, "I will not go gentle into that good night".  As Dylan Thomas eloquently put it, "I shall rage, rage against the dying of the light." (Too melodramatic? I know.)  So, from this day forward, I shall hold my precious precious time like the gold present it is.  Goodbye dump truck!

cartoon from http://www.reverendfun.com