I'm Sorry, Self

I had my first acupuncture session today.  My acupuncturist told me that my pain is related to stress or anger.  I knew that it's definitely not anger because I'm basically just chill and I think I've gotten too old to get mad.  By elimination, the culprit must be stress.    

So, I began scolding myself.  "How can you be stressed when you just work for 4 days?  And no! you don't work!  You just play with kids!...You don't have the right!  You meditate at dawn and dusk and every chance you can get in between...You've simplified your life to a hilt, there's really nothing to be worried about."

On and on it went until I understood what caused the stress- the negative self-talk.  True, I've stopped complaining about other people (80-90% of the time) but at times, I can still be hard on myself.  I would berate myself for missed targets and failed attempts.

Feeling guilty doesn't works so says Sr. Denise.  I think it works like a  superglue, cementing the feet of my intellect (the part of me which makes decision) on the ground that's why I feel stuck.  Complaining about anything, even about myself takes my happiness away.  It's like a dark cloud covering my sun, a rain on my parade.

Sorry self.  Sometimes, I act like an uncompromising grown-up who blows up when circumstances don't go her way.  Well, things happen.  It's ok.  Just look at the bright side and keep on moving forward!  

 

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On Going Berserk

I rarely watch tv (like i'll probably gape at a commercial first shown months ago) but when I do, I can go on forever.  I can live on salad (like just lettuce and tomato with lemon dressing) for  a week but when I go crazy, i can drink a liter of soda with 2 giant bags of chips in one sitting.

I realized that it's when I feel deprived that I go out of the wagon (the good one).  I surmised that's probably the main reason why I keep on pressing snooze when my alarm rings and why I break new year's resolutions. This feeling of being deprived sends me back crawling to my old patterns.

Old habits stay because it's comfortable.  On the other hand, sticking to new habits is painful- initially.

But when I understand it for what it really is, then changing can be a breeze.  Like no one can make me eat meat- be it lechon, fried chicken, or even chocolate cake because I fully comprehend the logic behind it.  I am vegetarian because I believe in and practice non-violence.

Now, I really just have to understand why I have to eliminate my occassional addictions and I can change.

photo credit

Let The Past Be The Past

When the blue flu hits me, I mope, sing, listen to songs, converse with God or write to myself.  Hmmm...I feel I need a pep talk right now, so here goes...

Dearest  K,

          You   are   so   lovely!   Sweetie,  you  are  wonderful.   You   are  very, very,  very  special.   You  know  that,  right?   You  are  the  best and you deserve  only  the  best.  I understand   that  you  cannot  quite  see  that right  now.  But   believe  me,  you  are  a  gem!   You’re   still   in   the  process   of   becoming   a   diamond   hence   the   pressure   and   the  mess.   I  wish   I  can   spare   you   the   pain   but  it  is   crucial   that  you   go   through   this   so   you   can   be   the   jewel   that   you   truly are.   Just   keep  on   moving   forward   and   you’ll   get  to   where   you want   to   be .  And  never   ever   look   back.   Just   place   one   foot   after  the   other  and   walk   towards   your  dream.   I’ll   see  you  really, really  soon!

          I  love  you!                                             

           

                                                                    Yours  ‘til the sun shines,

                                                                          your perfect self