On Dying

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"Stop it!", my mom said in her loudest voice when I rattle off my planned funeral arrangements (When I Die).  Another friend  cried buckets when I calmly told her that I might have to leave this world.

There was a time when I thought I only have a few months to live. So, I started saying goodbye to some people close to me. It was then that I learned that talking about death is taboo in our society.  People simply cannot handle it or they refuse to accept that cold truth even though it is as glaring as the fact that the sun will rise in the morning and will have to retire by sunset.  Why are people afraid of death, I fathom?  Unknowingly,  a friend supplied an answer one lunch time, "It's the kids I'm worried about".  Another added, "And, where do we go when we die?"

Then, I realized that people prefer to stay mum about it because death opens so many scenarios we cannot control.  We are afraid of what will happen to the ones we'll leave behind.  (I guess, they will keep on living.).  We afraid of where we will go when the dark angel with the infamous hook calls.  Though, there have been reports of the after life or reincarnation (whichever belief suits you), there's really no way to call the departed ones to confirm where they head off.

Every time  I go to a funeral, I always hear, "He has left us." But, the body still lies in the casket.  So, who has left? Definitely, not the body because it still lies there as immobile as a log or in a condensed form as ashes (for those who opted for cremation).  I have been taught that it is the soul which leaves the body.  Essentially, we are really souls, points of energy.  The body is simply like a car we use and we, the souls, are the drivers. Death simply means the car can no longer function.  So, the driver (the soul) has to leave so it can continue its journey.  Physics supports this, it says, energy cannot be created nor destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another. (Law of the Conservation of Energy).

Therefore, it's ok to die.  A senior dadi (sister) tells us, it's just like going to another room. Well, there's nothing scary there.

Surrender

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I love that word. I first heard of it (as a virtue) in a leadership seminar 7 years ago and I have loved it ever since but I only fully realized what it meant lately.

The Struggle
I've been battling a disease for the last 2 years- it's zapping my energy and the doctors have different opinions about it.  My Chinese doctor says it's Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Just by the name, it looks like I will die anytime soon.  My medical doctor, on the other hand thinks it's a mere vitamin deficiency.

Initially, I tried the natural way of boiling Chinese herbs and drinking it's bitter juice for 6 months to no avail (but it really works for some people I know).  I shifted to the Western medicine where I get weekly Vitamin B shots and was simply advised to increase my food intake.  I noticed improvements but the weakness still persists (this is a big deal 'cause I used to be like an Energizer bunny).  Though, I felt a lot better knowing that I'm not a terminal case.

Recently, for the last 2 weeks, I wake up every single day with a slight fever but I would dismiss it and go about my usual routine. I will still wake up at 4am though I can only sit for meditation for 30 minutes or less (I can do it for an hour before).  Then, my body pulls me right back to sleep.  I will set my alarm at 5.30am so I can come to meditation class at 6.30am. I cannot urge my body to get up right away though, so, I end up coming in late for 15-20 minutes.  After class,  I  go to work for 8 hours and after that, my body just wants to lie down and rest. But, I'll still push it to attend to the concerns of the non-profit organization we've started.

I'll make-up and simply rest during my 3 day weekends (as in, literally do nothing).  However, when my body refused to stand up one morning (it simply remained glue to the bed for hours and hours on end), I decided to change course and see a naturopathic doctor.  Since my mind-over-matter mantra and current medication's not working, I think it's about time for change.

The Cure
That fateful morning, I still attended meditation class though I'm an hour late. Before the class ended, our elder sister told us to write down our current obstacle in a sheet of paper and offer it to the Father. I immediately wrote down, sickness of the body. After the class and our Sunday morning breakfast, I just had the feeling that I ought to ask the sister sitting beside me in class about the colonics therapy she went through (though I'm set on seeing another doctor).  She animated told me about alternative medicine and offered to bring me to the clinic where she goes.  I trusted my guts and took her offer.

I came in first for assessment where the naturopathic doctor told me that my cells aren't healthy. In fact, my red blood cells were clustered when it should be far apart, it's moving rather slowly and appears pale.  I was immediately given a program and supplementation.  I opted to start that same day.  I had a Vitamin C drip where they give me 500ml of Vitamin C intravenously and a colonics procedure where they flush a huge amount of water in my intestine to take out the debris which have been deposited there throughout the years.  I was also asked to take in 8 glasses of  juice daily.   I was not expecting much. So, I was surprised that I woke up at 3am the following day- an hour earlier than my set alarm. I wasn't getting sleepy or drowsy so I was able to meditate for 1 1/2 hours (i'm nuts about yoga, so this is huge! think of it as getting 2 extra scoops of ice cream when you're only expecting a tablespoon). And I'm still not sleepy after that!!! (3 exclamation points 'cause I was really surprised at my body's immediate recovery).  So, I prepared for meditation class and work after. And for the first time in weeks (or is it months?), I came on time.

The Magic
All it took was one day, and just like that I felt that my energy's renewed.  After more than 2 years, I think I found the right road back to wellness.  On second thought, it was not my doing.  I surrendered it first and then the right answer came.

Now, I realize that all along I've been trying to take care of the situation all by myself. It's when I let go and then let God that everything's immediately resolved like magic! Aaaaaah, the beauty of surrender. I should do this more often.